Its always hard to know where to start, but I guess the beginning will do. My husband and I started trying in February 2015, I was 25 then and he was 30. At the time I wasn’t sure I was ready for a family, but thought that in 9 months time I would be. Because obviously it would happen first time, I checked my ovulation dates and had all bases covered so why wouldn’t it? I mean, we were perfect candidates, healthy, happy and should have no issues around age.
Obviously things didn’t go as I had planned, and my period arrived dead on time. I was naive, I’d heard so many stories of how people get pregnant first time, or by mistake, and it gets drilled into you as a young woman to use protection not just for sexual health but to make sure there aren’t any ‘mistakes’. All this told me it would be easy.
That first month, I felt so crushed, I’d pinned all my hopes on it happening this month and had planned out when we would tell everyone, and how. I’d even checked on the NHS website when my potential due date would be. So, when it didn’t happen I cried, and told my mum, and cried.
Over the months (almost years) this pain that was so crushing has become constant dull ache, at times this can sharpen to something like that first month, when a friend announces their pregnancy or when my period arrives, 7 days late…
Over this time, I’ve come to find some healthy and some very unhealthy ways of handling this disappointment and pain. I’ll admit to drinking a bit too much wine on the night my period starts, and over a couple of months had this awful cycle of drinking during my period, abstaining while trying then drinking again. Like drink was a compensation or second best.
I’ve realised I don’t talk about this enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband, and a wonderful family but my mum never had fertility issues and my friends aren’t in the same boat. So, I’m lonely, and I’m sad, and I sometimes just sit and have a little cry on my own.
I wanted to open up in this forum, to find people who are like me at this stage of the journey, to share the ups and downs. I know we are all on different parts of the same paths, but I do think I would struggle today to feel overjoyed for someone else’s pregnancy.
The next stage for us is to have a consultation meeting with our GP. We’ve had all the tests (sperm, blood tests, ultrasound and HSG.. I don’t think there are any more?) everything came back totally and disgustingly normal, so I think the next stage we are looking at is IVF.
Thank you, for taking the time to read this. x