Giving voice to the hurts. (I'm new h... - Fertility Network UK

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Giving voice to the hurts. (I'm new here)

SeaChange profile image

Its always hard to know where to start, but I guess the beginning will do. My husband and I started trying in February 2015, I was 25 then and he was 30. At the time I wasn’t sure I was ready for a family, but thought that in 9 months time I would be. Because obviously it would happen first time, I checked my ovulation dates and had all bases covered so why wouldn’t it? I mean, we were perfect candidates, healthy, happy and should have no issues around age.

Obviously things didn’t go as I had planned, and my period arrived dead on time. I was naive, I’d heard so many stories of how people get pregnant first time, or by mistake, and it gets drilled into you as a young woman to use protection not just for sexual health but to make sure there aren’t any ‘mistakes’. All this told me it would be easy.

That first month, I felt so crushed, I’d pinned all my hopes on it happening this month and had planned out when we would tell everyone, and how. I’d even checked on the NHS website when my potential due date would be. So, when it didn’t happen I cried, and told my mum, and cried.

Over the months (almost years) this pain that was so crushing has become constant dull ache, at times this can sharpen to something like that first month, when a friend announces their pregnancy or when my period arrives, 7 days late…

Over this time, I’ve come to find some healthy and some very unhealthy ways of handling this disappointment and pain. I’ll admit to drinking a bit too much wine on the night my period starts, and over a couple of months had this awful cycle of drinking during my period, abstaining while trying then drinking again. Like drink was a compensation or second best.

I’ve realised I don’t talk about this enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband, and a wonderful family but my mum never had fertility issues and my friends aren’t in the same boat. So, I’m lonely, and I’m sad, and I sometimes just sit and have a little cry on my own.

I wanted to open up in this forum, to find people who are like me at this stage of the journey, to share the ups and downs. I know we are all on different parts of the same paths, but I do think I would struggle today to feel overjoyed for someone else’s pregnancy.

The next stage for us is to have a consultation meeting with our GP. We’ve had all the tests (sperm, blood tests, ultrasound and HSG.. I don’t think there are any more?) everything came back totally and disgustingly normal, so I think the next stage we are looking at is IVF.

Thank you, for taking the time to read this. x

27 Replies

Hi seachange, you are not alone in feeling this way. Constantly picking yourself back up and dusting yourself off month after month. It’s ok to feel frustrated and have a little cry, I can’t keep count of how many times I have. The best thing to do is to vent like you have done and let it out. It’s such a rollercoaster but the people on this forum are really helpful and understanding. Sending big hugs and good luck with your journey! Xx

Hi Hopeandwishes, thanks for your message. Its really comforting to know that so many other people are going through this too. I really appreciate being able to vent, and feel heard. Lots of luck for your journey too xx

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Welcome to the forum, all the people on here fully understand and are at various stages in their own journeys but unite as one to offer care, support and advice for everyone. What your feeling sadly is normal for us struggling with fertility issues but it helps coming on here and talk to others and get advice etc xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Hidden

Thanks Button, even after one post it feels better to get the thoughts and feelings out into the open, instead of letting things fester. xx

you are definitely not alone, I joined this forum for the same reason,the constant dull ache of sadness and disappointment,the depression, the stress and strains it takes on my marriage. Much like you I've been known to self medicate with a drink or so when it gets really bad. Use this place and a no judgement zone, a listening ear, and take advantage of the kindness of strangers who will make you feel less crazy, less alcoholic and less depressed with a story which is a mirror image of your life and a reminder that you are not alone in this!

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to jhb_c

I hear you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm already starting to feel a little less crazy and definitely less alone! xx

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you can be thankful for things you have and of course you are but it doesn't mean you cant be sad for the things you haven't got and want so badly it hurts you physically.

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Hidden

Hi Jo, I find it comes in waves. Not all days are as dark or down as this post might have made me sound. I definitely value what I do have, but as you say, that doesn't make all the sadness disappear. xx

jhb_c profile image
jhb_c in reply to SeaChange

I use the phrase 'it comes in waves' so often!

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Hidden in reply to SeaChange

I know what you mean you have good days and bad ones like we all do and everyone always wants things that they don't have and when others get those things and we don't then we feel jealous of them because we wanted the same things.

I can definitely relate, ive had 7 years of trying and currently on my 2nd ivf cycle. I still find myself thinking about how we will tell our families and what the nursery will look like, even after all those years of heartbreak and disappointment. We all have our ways of coping, your clinic will offer counselling - use it, it really helps. Best of luck xx

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Hayleigh86

Hi Hayleigh,

7 years and 2 IVF cycles and being able to accept support is not easy so I thoroughly admire you.

Thank you for your lovely message xx

Welcome to this forum. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I'm sure we all thought it would be easy at the beginning only to find out it really isn't! I get frustrated by pregnancy news especially those who haven't even been trying this infertility business does not always bring out the best in me. Sadly it can be a lonely journey but that's why this forum is great, there are loads of people all walking a similar path, and sharing your frustrations with people who understand is really helpful. Good luck with your journey. I'm here any time you need a chat Xxx

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Hidden in reply to Penders

its always hard to take when you find out someone else is pregnant and its unplanned.

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Penders

I would argue that this infertility business can bring out the best in us. Your message of support to me is an example of that!

But I know what you mean really. The jealousy, hurt and injustice are less beautiful emotions. Thank you for taking the time to reach out.

Wishing you lots of luck on your journey. Xx

Hi lovely, you're definitely not alone and the support on here is truly amazing. I really can relate to how you're feeling. I never anticipated having any problems as my husband and I are both very healthy so when it became apparent that things weren't happening for us it has been a bit of a shock to digest. The ups and downs we go through and the roller coaster of emotions can make things so hard. It's okay to have a good cry and let everything out. Wishing you all the best with your journey. If you ever need a chat, my inbox is always open. BIG hugs ❤ xxx

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Poppy149

Hi Poppy,

Thanks for the message of support. It’s just so helpful to find people of similar mindset, stage and experience.

My inbox is always open to you too. Xx

Poppy149 profile image
Poppy149 in reply to SeaChange

Thanks lovely, wishing you every success with your journey xxx

I relate to this so much, pretending to be happy for friends who announce their pregnancy then crying as soon as I get home. I’ve also been known to hit the wine after getting my period, which on a couple of occasions has come so late I’ve gone as far as getting a blood test to check for pregnancy, only to get it the next day.

I should be onto my second child by now, instead We’ve just been through our first round of ivf and it was really hard, but so worth it.

Good luck 🍀

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to Runner90

I hear you, my closest friend who is exactly the same age as me already has two beautiful daughters. I can’t help but feel jealous.

Congratulations for your first IVF, sending lots of love and luck your way! Xx

Hi seachange and welcome!

I’m just turning 28 (DH is 29) and totally feel your pain! I am so sorry to hear that you are potentially having to look at the ivf route. Unfortunately it’s not an easy ride, again all you tend to hear is success stories when I fact it’s tough, emotionally and physically draining!

Please Don’t ever feel alone, this forum allows you to say whatever you need to without feeling judged! If you ever need to vent, we are here for you xx 💝

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to ICSIRose

Thank you!

I know, IVF is no safe bet either. Although of course my colleague at work is the miracle example where IVF worked first time...

I really appreciate all the support and love! Xx

Hi Hun- your journey sounds so much like mine.. I’ve been ttc around 25 months now, both of us are ‘normal’ so again no reason as to why I’m

Not conceiving, bf has a daughter already so funded ivf isn’t an option, so I am looking into egg sharing. Xx

SeaChange profile image
SeaChange in reply to sammejayne

Sammejayne, sometimes life is such a *female dog*. I’m pretty new to all this so not 100% sure on what egg sharing is, but sending lots of love and luck to you xx

You are so not on your own, and as I read your post I see some of myself in what you’ve said. It is a terrible journey, hard, draining and you can often find it takes over your every thought.

This forum is amazing for helping you through the hard times and holing your hand as it were.

I’m st the same stage as you by the sounds and I’m waiting to been seen in a fertility clinic. Things didn’t come back normal for my partner but so far I’m ok. All I can say is I’m crossing everything for you and wish you all the best, and hope you get your happy ending xxx

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Oh goodness! That was like reading my life over the past few years! It’s great you’re going to get help now via IVF. Scary but hugely positive! I wish we’d have tried IVF years ago; we’re midway through our last go. I’m 40 now and our chances are 20% so I’m trying to find peace with the fact we tried, but I don’t know how (if) I’ll ever be able to do that... The emotional turmoil that we put ourselves under is immense but whatever happens, be kind to yourself and keep reaching out, people on here do really care. I hope you get what you want. x

Hey and welcome to the forum. Just wanted to add to what some of the members have written and you're not alone. This forum has really helped me cope with the rollercoaster of emotions - it's not easy but everyone here is so supportive it helps. Good luck with your next consultation 🍀 x x

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