Help...

[Ladylook]

Hey everyone, I normally do not write on forums, however feel very lost and was directed here by a friend. My Husband and I are just at the beginning of our fertility journey. All my checks have come back clear, however his test has came back low sperm. He still has his another test to go for which takes place 6 weeks later. When we went into this we spoke about everything that could potentially arise, however he has taken this news very hard. I have told him regardless of the outcome we will be together as a team. He has completely distanced himself from me, he does not want to come close to me or sometimes speak to me. I am at a loss, what to do? Has anyone else experienced this after there husband was told this news?

[Oakey80]

Hiya, I could have written this myself a few years ago! We started ttc 5yrs ago (today in fact!) We'd only been married 2wks when we found out he had a low count and poor quality! He didn't take the news well (understatement) He refused to talk about it...ever...and for a couple years we put it to the back of our minds whilst we got new jobs, relocated, bought a house and lived our lives.

When we got everything in place there was only one thing missing...a baby! I broached the subject with my dh and he said he couldn't wait to get on with ivf! After a year of tests and waiting for appointments, we finally got to start ivf in jan 17. It hasn't been easy. When it's male factor you can't necessarily lean on ur dh. Their egos are so delicate! My dh told me not to ever mention the ivf to him as he couldn't handle me sad or suffering, so I chose some really good friends and the people on the forum, and leant on them instead. Occasionally he'd talk to me about how he felt out of nowhere and some weeks he'd be angry for "no reason" but I knew it was the ivf!

Anyway after two cycles (1x fresh - bfn & 1 x frozen - bfp!) And I'm now nearly 18wks pregnant with a baby boy....my dh has never been happier and our marriage has never been stronger. Its been a long 5yrs but you'll get through it by not pushing him for info or "to talk" about his feelings. But just letting him know, like u say, ur in this together and he can talk to u anytime. Apart from that, take comfort in ur friends and the ladies on here, as they'll get u through xxx

[Ladylook in reply to Oakey80]

Thank you so much for you kind words. This is reassuring that it is not only me going through this. I do feel like he is going to divorce me and move on with his life, so he does not have to think about it. It's just so hard, feeling that he does not love me because he is pushing me so far away.

Exciting news you are having a baby boy, congratulations.

Xx

[Oakey80 in reply to Ladylook]

Ah thanks it's been a long time coming 😊...I think with your dh you just need to give him time to grieve and get his head around the situation....and you'll need time to get your head around it all too. He may offer divorce...mine did a few times but I think he was only looking for reassurance! Be kind to him and to yourself and don't take any frustrations out on him! Be patient as this is probably the worst news he's ever received but he'll come round. Its actually a positive thing to know what's wrong and male factor is probably the best diagnosis (believe it or not!) At least you know what's wrong and you'll have a really good chance of ivf working as once the embie is in you, there's no secondary issues likely to rear it's head.

Good luck! xxx

[Kyell2]

Yep my OH had been in exactly this place this year, he was completely unprepared for the news that it was male factor infertility.

In all fairness he's had it really bad and during this fertility journey he has discovered a genetic condition that he had no idea about and had to undergo a sperm retrieval op to discover that he has never produced any sperm and there is nothing that they can do.

All I could do was stand back and wait for him to want to talk and that really only happened last week when he was on holiday and relaxed and we had a very emotional conversation and then could make a plan.

It's absolutely crushing for men as they think of it as a masculinity thing.

All I can recommend is stay positive, try not to mention it unless he brings it up and get yourself a trusted friend that you can rely on until he's ready to talk. It's such a tough thing to get your head around.

So sorry you have to go through this xx

[Ladylook in reply to Kyell2]

Thank you very much. I am so glad you have both now managed to talk about things.

It is so hard and not in his nature to push me away. Thanks for your kind words.

Xx

[Becca21]

You're indeed in a complicated situation! Men take infertility way to harshly than we women. As you know we could still cry and vent out or maybe just share with him but male infertility is a direct hit to their male ego and they pretty much get devastated with the news. I think you need to find ways to tell him that it's alright and sperm count can always be improved with few small changes in diet and lifestyle. Likewise, maybe due to the TTCs and other stress of life he could have been going through it now and it's not persistent. You've got to boost his male ego. Being a third person I don't know how to pass on all these to your DH but you alone can do it. Just think of things you'd want him to do if it were you and do the same. I can't guarantee this will help instantly but I'm positive it will take a few tries only and he'll be fine. I had never been through this but told you everything I would do I was in this sloppy situation. Hope this helps you and your DH.

[Ladylook in reply to Becca21]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Unfortunately he is not at a stage of acceptance so talking about what he can do to help is a no go area at the moment. He is not intrest. I think I have to let him go through the process and give him breathing space. Thank you so much 💜💙

[Becca21 in reply to Ladylook]

You're the best judge of the situation. I hope you find a way out of it soon and your DH could cope with his disappointments asasp. Good Luck!

[Dow18]

We had the same problem my husband found out on his 30th birthday that was hard. We had one shot left and he talks openly about it now but before he said to me just leave me we found it hard as people around us were having children and it felt like we were stuck in this lonely bubble. People kept saying to us when are u having children. We are due to start our treatment soon. I would love to give my husband a child. Fingers across. But it's hard sometimes u just locking ur self away but it's around u all the time. Good luck to everyone on this hard emotional jounery. 💔💔

[Ladylook in reply to Dow18]

Thank you, all the best to you both 💜💙