Fertility Network UK

After the negative

So a week ago I found out my first ivf was unsuccessful. My husband was caring till this week and now wants to have sex and I'm still feeling really emotional and not in the mood at all , I've been under so much stress this year and we haven't really had sex for nearly a year due to everything going on , am I out of order not wanting to be with him I feel so bad but I'm just so exhausted from everything that has happens. My husband suffers from klinefelter and can not have children and he is accusing me of not wanting to be with him because of it which is not true . It's just everythi g else that has built up I'm e haunted and fed up with fighting . Any one got any advice xx

9 Replies

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. It's so difficult as (& I'm generalising here) men don't seem to feel things in the same way we do. My dh is sympathetic and supportive up to a point but gets to a stage where he wants to just stop thinking / talking about stuff. He can compartmentalise whereas I can't.

We put our bodies through so much, I think u should take the time you need to recover physically and mentally. I know that might not be what he wants to hear tho!

I don't really have any pearls of wisdom for you I'm afraid, I just wanted to let you know I'm here. Xx



On reading your post the first thing I thought was why do men think sex is the answer but then I came to understand that if it's important to them we as women should try. I know how draining ivf is on us but it must also have a affect on them and I think sex is like energy for them lol

Jokes aside take the time u need but stay close to him because him blaming himself is not good.

Lots of baby dust and love xxx


Oh no, it sounds like you are having a tough time of it and you definitely shouldn't have sex again until you feel completely ready!

Does he maybe see having sex as a way of being close to you again and reassuring himself?

It's my OH that has fertility issues too and when he's feeling low, he does the whole 'if it weren't for me then you would already be pregnant thing' and I need to pick him back up again and reassure.

I have no words of wisdom, I just say 'we're together whatever happens and wherever this crappy journey takes us'. I hope it gets a bit easier for him x


This must be so hard for you, I'm so sorry. It sounds like he really loves you and wants reassurance which is totally understandable. I get how you feel though - we had our first failed attempt last month too, it's so painful. Just try and stick together and be honest about how you feel - keep the communication up and look after yourself. Thinking of you xx


Hey that sounds hard. It ok if you not wanting it or feeling ready at this time. You have been through so much physically and emotionally as others have said. You need time to heal I bet . Your husband needs to understand that so maybe speak to him if possible more re where your at. But know it is ok to feel like this and it is for your husband but no one should be pressurising you. He needs to accept that at this time it not right for u but doesn't mean it won't be soon. Look after you. Ok to feel like this. I know I have and would but no means no ☺️ x


Oh Hun. I feel for you. I know I just felt so bloated and rubbish still a week after and without being too grim, I was still bleeding.

Perhaps for your husband, it's not about sex but about wanting to be close to you. Women generally want to be intimate by sharing feelings and kisses and cuddles but I think men tend to need a bit more. How about just telling him you'd love to spend some quality time with him and arrange to do some nice things together but also tell him that your body is not quite there yet.

As for wanting to try, whilst we're both agreed no more IVF, my hubby still hasn't let go of the hope of a natural conception. This is just him being a little behind in the acceptance part which is fine. Perhaps your OH is just not quite there yet my Sweets.

I'd talk to him and be very honest. We've had our ups and downs over 14 years but the one thing that has always worked for us is talking and more importantly listening to each other.

I wish you the best of luck. Xxx


Thankyou it's helped will talk to him xx


I'm sorry to hear this and you have enough going on to worry about this. Can you sit down with him and discuss it? It's such a loss of feeling for you at the moment but please don't give up Hope that one day your miracle will come. Xx


For me, sex over the last year or so seemed pointless as there was no way that conception would happen. Your husband wants to be close to you so you need to find a way to make it work for both of you. What if you were to take penetrative sex out of it and find other ways to have a good time (if you know what I mean?!?!?!) He wants to please you and make you happy and sex is obviously his way of doing that. It's such a stressful experience that you can't alienate one another - this is where you need to be together.


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