Difficulties in the couple

I know it's a bit off topic, but for me infertility and problems with my husband go hand by hand. I don't how many of you might be facing similar situations or whether our love or us are just not strong enough...

Some days I am so down, and others so anxious, very often I am obsessed. And he can't stand that. He is smoking and getting more distant, which is exactly the opposite of what I need: love, confort and positiveness. And he doesn't accept that he might need some help (I am already speaking to a psychologist). And, after an awful night, I just wonder what parents would we be and whether we are facing not just a future without children but without eachother. I feel so lonely...

[Veekay80]

Hi , I feel like I'm in the same boat, we started this journey together and recently he's been snappy, going out and sleeping in the other room, I've kinda given him his space and let him get in with it but it's just causing more distance between us. We haven't had any full blown arguments it's more the silence and not talking about it which seems worse. I think it's time for us to sit down and talk I mean it takes 2 to make a baby and I do know that's what we both want at the end of the day. Talking and discussing the way we feel is the only way, good luck xx

[Hampshiregal]

It's not off topic at all. Ivf had been the worst thing that ever happened to my relationship. Same as previous poster, not rows but losing that closeness.

My OH calls this forum, 'My boyfriend just doesn't understand me!' But he doesn't understand, he's not been on the drugs or feeling unwomanly.

When I cried myself to sleep, in another room, he's not comforted me. I've wondered if we should stay together. If ivf does work, what type of family we might be and if we should be together. I have been to counselling to help with my infertility.

I realised that when you feel so sad yourself, you just don't have anything to give to someone else. My OH is so sad about this (we've had 2 bfp that ended in m/c) but he's just managing to keep going himself. When things have been very bad (should we stay together) a dear friend told me, 'Just love him more'. That's what I try to do but it's not easy and it's often lonely. xx

[Hidden]

Thanks a lot ladies. People that are not going through this don't really understand how difficult it is... If this doesn't finish with us, for sure nothing will!

[NsKaz in reply to Hidden]

It is so hard and puts a real strain on your relationship. I was terrified while I was on clomid that my husband would leave me. He didn't and we survived clomid (which was hell for me).

I try to do something nice for him and have regular date nights where we don't talk about ttc. I've also got lots of people I can talk to / lean on so he doesn't have to always bear the brunt of things. He's not great at giving me cuddles or reassuring words at times, but all in all he has been amazing and he does sweet little things to try and lift my spirits.

I think men and women deal with infertility differently. I try to to remind myself that just because he's not feeling things in the same way as I am that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. All in all I couldn't do this without him.

Sorry I don't mean to be talking about myself - I guess I'm just trying to let u know that I understand and that it can be really hard on your relationship but don't give up! You will find a way to cope together and he'll come back to u xxx wishing u love and luck xxx

[Hampshiregal in reply to Hidden]

Hi Angnome

I'm 3 weeks post de fet and my OH won't talk about it. If I mention it, he immediately changes the subject. It's a self protection thing I guess. He doesn't want to get excited because the last two times he was devastated. He's working away and can't be there for 7 week scan. I think he's pleased he's not going to be there, just in case it's bad again.

As I mentioned, we have nearly split up and it's always ivf related. So many times, sitting together over the table having dinner and we can't even look at each other. I thought if I was down he would pick me up. But no he's only human.

Yes, its lonely. Thinking of you xxxx

[E_05]

This is so on topic! infertility puts a massive strain on a relationship. I often use to think in the beginning maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be together which now I know is rubbish as we're stronger than we've ever been. Maybe we could plan a couple of 'dates' to go together away from anything IVF, I have days of being so grumpy with my hubby or there's some days I say to him we just need to go to the beach - he now knows that's my place to go when my head is becoming to much and I need to escape 'life'.

Not sure if I just rambled on and it hasn't helped but hopefully together you'll find your ways of coping xx

[7AVA]

We are all in the same boat here. Infertility brings such a range of emotions and they are full on and very raw. You say some days you are down or anxious or obsessed. I think most men find it difficult to cope with women when we are like that. They don't really know what to do. It's hard for them too but as others have said, I think men experience this differently. The last time I felt really sad, about a week after bfn on first round of ivf, I woke up crying and just didn't want to get out of bed. OH finds it difficult to deal with me being like that, so he went out. We hardly spoke that day. I think perhaps the best advice I can give you (which I give to myself at the same time) is to stop expecting him to be the one to comfort you. Allow yourself to feel sad. Comfort yourself or turn to others who can comfort you. You can't change his behaviour but you can change your own. Good luck on your journey, and try to hold back on making judgements about your relationship at this time. I feel strong again with my partner now but I know there will be another dip further down the line - it's just like a rollercoaster! Good luck lovely xxx

[Persian40]

We are having problems too. I am the affectionate person in the relationship, he is not good at showing emotion. It's also hard for me as he already has two kids from his first marriage. Like someone else said, I just have nothing to give him at the moment. I want to be alone with my cat most of the time! He has been away this weekend, coming back tonight and I all I really want is for him not to come back. Feel like a horrible person😔

[Hidden in reply to Persian40]

I don't think you are a horrible person, sometimes we just need to be on our own. I also feel that sometimes, like I have nothing to offer but worry to the people I love. Sometimes we can't give and need to receive... Ask friends and family to support you when you most need It, and grab the opportunities to laugh and enjoy that the life still offers. Give you time and be nice to yourself. Thinking of you xx

[Persian40 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you xx

[_MrsC]

I think it's just part of it all I'm afraid. It does put a huge strain on you both. For us, we've chosen to stop the process. We want to prioritise our marriage and I think making the choice has been really powerful for us. While I will mourn us not having children, I can carry on living. If I lost my hubby, I couldn't. When I recognised that myself, my choice was easy to make. Maybe take some time to think about what you want most. Sometimes it just comes down to a choice. Wishing you all the best. x