Hi everyone - I don't post very much on here but find it tremendously helpful and supportive to read and sometimes comment on the stories of others going through similar struggles. Anyway my hubby and I have almost finished what we think will be our 5th and last ivf cycle with my eggs. I'm 41 and have a really low amh, miscarried after our last cycle and had very realistic (i.e. low!) expectations of this cycle so I've managed to stay really calm and on a fairly even keel... until this evening! I've had massive lows in the past, at one point only my husband made it seem worth getting out of bed for.. But I've managed not to get too emotional so far this cycle, wasn't even upset when only one of our seven eggs made a decent embryo. We managed to get this embryo to a not great quality blastocyst and had it transferred. I was surprised we actually got to 5 days!
Then this evening my husband made a comment about my resentment of my bro in law and sis in law (who are having a baby) when I feel I have actually spent weeks making such an enormous effort NOT to be resentful or negative towards them. I admit I've made a couple of comments as they've done some very insensitive things (texting us about scans, sending scan photos, relaying their perfect test results, a photo of my bro in law wearing their new baby carrier) but I have also been happy for my husband that he'll be an uncle and know that they haven't had malicious intentions... Still, it hurts but I've tried to swallow my emotions, so to have my (generally very supportive) husband pull me up on it just really hit a nerve and I've had an almighty crying fit. One little jibe from him and I suddenly feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, a terrible woman with a terrible reproductive system.
After battling against so many feelings and being pretty darn chirpy throughout the cycle, despite the usual poor results, I kind of feel like giving up now and going to live alone in a frigging Buddhist retreat in Bali where nothing in the world can get me. Why expend so much energy struggling to feel happy-go-lucky when I get pulled up anyway for a couple of comments. To be fair I know my husband is stressed, he has a right to his feelings too and he is wonderfully supportive. I think this was just bad timing, half way through 2ww and no symptoms so I'm in a bad place anyway.. I was just surprised at the sheer force of my misery and hysterical sobbing when I thought I was feeling quite balanced. I have a huge headache now but I guess I'd better not take anything ! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest folks. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. xx
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Claire_Mitch
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Oh bless you Claire. It certainly sounds like you need to get this off your chest.
The 2WW is a special kind of misery isn't it, and it's easy for a comment, even if minor, to throw us off. We've all been there - so don't give yourself a hard time.
Sounds like you have coped so strongly that you were going to have an outburst. But its better out than in.
I think you are amazingly patient about your bro / sis in law - I honestly don't think I'd be as kind and understanding about them as you. I personally really hate the over sharing of scans and silly pregnancy announcements. They just massively hit a nerve, and i still feel this way after 1 ivf success but spent 10 years trying, being v ill from endo and receiving insensitive comments from a few old close friends.
An old friend of mine showed up at my house, unannounced, with her scan pics when I was recovering from my 2nd endo surgery. She stuck the pics in my face, literally. I never forgave her for it (I found an excuse to fall out a few years after this, am so relieved she isn't in my life now). So your tolerance is actually pretty impressive to me. So please please dont feel bad.
I guess my point is, is that this experience of TTC with IVF is so immensely hard and stressful, that i have not forgotten it even now. I spent too many years in that boat, and do know how lucky I was it worked but these feelings are so life altering, it becomes part of you - so honestly, what you are feeling right now is NORMAL and totally acceptable. You are allowed a cry.
Seriously - do not feel bad for your outburst. Infertility is a haunting experience that people just do not understand. I think your husband probably didn't realise how sensitive at this time you were and thought maybe you could cope with the comment.
In the meantime, try to avoid looking at those scan pics. They are punishing when you feel this way.
Make yourself some nice hot chocolate or warm milk to try to help with he headache. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. xxxx
Thank you so much for your kind words, its unbelievable how much just sharing feelings and having those feelings understood can help. You can feel like you're going mad at times but to know you lovely ladies do get it and you sympathise is so invaluable. Infertility has made me so much more sensitive to and aware of other people's private battles in general, even if they're going through something completely different to me. Your ex-friend sounds utterly awful and you did the right thing not having her in your life anymore. We have to just hold on to the good ones! Your description of fertility treatment as a 'haunting experience' is so accurate! I will use that when trying to explain to people how it feels in the future! Thank you again, you made me feel so much better xxx
Awww bless you wanted to send you massive hugs and to say you've been so strong .
I totally agree with Hidden you sound like you've been more tolerant of your in-laws than I could be too, u just tend to totally shut down from pregnant people and if anyone sent me a scan picture id got the roof. I can remember after our first failed ivf my brother in law asked my husband to be god father to his first child, I thought it was totally insensitive and refused to go to christening of course my husband went on his own.
I hope you have managed to get some sleep and feel a little better today.
Remember your a very strong lady and you need to be proud of that.
Thanks so much for the hugs and understanding about my in law experience - I wouldn't be at all surprised if they ask us the godparent question, I really hope they don't but they'll probably think they're being really nice and kind. *Sigh*. There's always another crummy thing to deal with but we just have to face one thing at a time I guess and focus on our own good things in the meantime! Thank you so much for the support xxx
Thank you 7AVA! Feeling a little better today, I think I really needed a big cry so it's got a bit of something out of my system for now! Xx
I'm sure us ladies here all agree we TOTALLY understand and you are doing so well to be so upbeat this round. A blip is natural and good on you to get this far without one!
I have had similar problems with my husband in terms of understanding. I don't want to appear sexist but I've come to the conclusion that men really do just think differently about infertility to women. They (well certainly my husband) just can't empathise with feelings, we as women can't relate to there feelings easily (or I can't relate to his rational approach!).
You sound like you are doing very well and keeping strong. Your feelings are totally natural and I know at times I have wanted to punch some of my friends for their insensitivity (ooops I'm not really a violent person!!). My first cousin got pregnant when we were doing this round of IVF in May/June. All bloody perfect for her - within the first year of her marriage, got money due to family, 8 years younger etc. She is also a cow anyway!!!! I couldn't even look at her I was so jealous, blocked her on social media - what a weirdo I am. But fortunately it was my family so my husband kept it buttoned.
All I wanted to say is please don't be down on yourself. This whole process cruel, heartbreaking and just sometimes knocks it out of you. It sounds like your doing the best you can - which in my opinion is awesome.
Sending you a big hug and lots of luck. 🍀🌈🤓😘🤞🏼xxxxx
Ps. Maybe be have a forum trip to retreat to Bali - sounds pretty cool to me 😆😉😘
in reply to
I love this.. When are we going to Bali? Got my passport in my hand
Im with you about husbands, yes they may desperately want children but it just isn't the same for them.
I'm with you in the friends thing too. Personally, I just don't buy that people are that stupid, some are, but my insensitive friends weren't stupid girls at all, and knew what they were saying, but I learnt that after. I realised they were being off with me over other things, so the cruel infertility questions comments all were out of malice.. not friends with them anymore - found a way to distance self over other things and although i missed them, i don't regret it, even though these were school friends. I had too many other kind friends that would never shove scan pics in my face or interview me about surrogacy adoption in front of loads people!!!...
Hi cerisanne - aw thank you for your understanding I am totally on the same page as you when it comes to people you know who may not be that nice but for whom everything just falls into place!!! It drives me mad as they just seem to take it for granted and have no appreciation of what we go through. I barely go on Facebook anymore as I just couldn't stand seeing other people's continual posts about their babies! Also I think you're right about husbands, not wanting to generalise as everyone's different, but the husbands of people I know who've had fertility treatment are mostly less traumatised by the experience than the women, and even my husband, who is pretty sensitive, doesn't get the raging jealousy I can get sometimes. I hate that it makes me kind of dislike people I wouldn't otherwise have an issue with just because they've popped out babies without even knowing what 2ww stands for!!! Anyhoo, I'm so glad you guys get it and a forum trip to a relaxing retreat sounds awesome!! Xxx
Hey there, it sounds like you've done amazing to cope and to try and just put yourself through this. Personally I think you have every right to your feelings and comments about the in-laws this week during what must be the hardest 2 weeks. I certainly wouldn't see it that you're bad at all. Far from it. You're doing one of the hardest things ever whilst having to stomach people's baby joy. That's impossible. Sounds like husband stressed as you say. Perhaps his own feelings all awash and it came out in a dig. Not great timing though 😔 You're doing great as you are xxxx
Thank you!! Yes I know my husband is stressed with work as well as ivf at the mo so it all just came out.... Other people don't realise that just getting pregnant can be one of the hardest things to do as you say, so it's wonderful to have the support on here! Xx
Firstly please take some paracetamol, it is absolutely safe for you to take! Secondly please don't be so hard on yourself. I can see why you'd be so hurt at this time.
I'm in my tww again and no matter what OH does or doesn't do, I don't feel understood. We've had a few bickers and yesterday I told him that I'd wished I'd gone away for the whole tww on my own!! Ok he tries to understand but I really don't think it's the same for them, it's never going to impact them as much as it does to us because we're the ones physically going through it.
For what it's worth, wishing you luck for a bfp this cycle! You deserve it 🍀 xx
Thanks Tugs! I saw your pic of your beautiful little blastocyst and am sending you all the luck in the world this time 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 We're in the same boat in terms of the stage of our cycle and it is rough!! Sounds like we're all having the same feelings about our other halves, they try and they are great but maybe you're right in that because it's not their body it's harder for them to be as close to the whole thing as we are. It's intense and so all our feelings, whether excitement, sorrow, envy, bitterness, are also going to be intense.
I had the paracetamol thanks ☺️ and am fortunate that I'm off work at the moment so slept in late then watched Chris from Love Island (my ivf cycle guilty pleasure) on Loose Women on catch-up! Feel a little brighter now! Lots of luck to you and thanks again Xx
Sounds like a pretty normal reaction considering what you've been through, hopefully it will have helped you a little and you feel a bit better this morning.
Using low expectations as a coping mechanism against being hurt can work but it comes at a price. I've been doing it my entire life and am now, at aged 57, realising that maybe it's not always the best way to deal with things (I'm a slow learner!); there's a fine line between realism and negativity making it easy to cross over into beat yourself up mode for, in many instances, no reason.
You're only half way through the 2WW try and relax and treat yourself to something nice, get hubby to take you out for a meal or go and see a film and eat 🍿
I'm crossing everything that you get some good news next week, I've read so many messages on here saying they had no signs but still got that bfp!!
Sending you a virtual hug, this road is such a hard one and you're doing so well!! Bali also sounds like a plan 🏖 Not sure where you live but if it's in the UK a bit of sun might be nice, fed up with this rotten, awful so called "summer" even my dogs are depressed with it! 💐 xxx
Thanks Sunonarainyday!! It is so tricky deciding whether to try and just be permanently positive, which is almost impossible, or keep expectations low to avoid disappointment, but then you feel a bit down all the time and can't appreciate the good bits of news when they come! Thank you for the virtual hug and good luck 😊 I'm seeing some friends tomorrow who don't have kids so that'll be a nice reprieve and we'll just focus on grown up chat and hopefully some laughs. I'm in Manchester and it's rained every day for a week, so sunshine would be great right now! Xx
I would do what will help you relax and take your mind off. (I turn off my phone, put my earplugs in, cover my eyes block out light and play relaxing 🎶 music. Tomorrow is a new day 😀.
Thanks Rafia123 - relaxation is definitely key, turning off the phone when you just want to hibernate is also good! Feeling a little better today, thank you Xx
I agree with all the other posters. Ivf has been the hardest thing ever for our relationship. My OH tells me I'm too sensitive to others comments and I feel like me wants me to be stronger. His family told me I'm too old to have children (I'm 42) and it's not natural at my age! I always thought my OH would be on my side (sorry shedding tears as I write this). He was like - take no notice. I've felt so let down by him. But, I've had to remind myself that no one is trying to be malicious....it just hurts. It's all about how I see myself as a woman, my identity etc.
I've not had anyone show me their scans but I had a neighbour come by and ask me to hang out with her and her three children at the local village fete. I had to be honest and say, it looks like I can't have children (that was after 3rd failed ivf - m/c) and I don't wish to be around lots of children at this time. Well, the look on face - her mouth just dropped. Then she tried to encourage me to go as she said it would be lots of fun - seriously???? She knows I'm going through ivf treatment but people just forget as it's not their problem.
Oh Hampshiregal, I'm so sorry to hear how utterly insensitive and cruel your other half's family have been!!! For the record, I know three 42 year olds and a 43 year who all actually got pregnant and had babies so you are by no means too old!!! Geri bloomin' Halliwell had a baby naturally at 44. Most clinics offer ivf to people until they're 50 as I understand it so you've loads of time. That's such a horrible thing for your in laws to say and your other half really should back you up and support you against that. It hurts so deeply it's impossible to simply 'take no notice' of such horrid comments. You are entirely justified in feeling upset by that and you need your OH on your side as having a baby is the most basic fundamental desire for most women.
Your neighbour's comments also show someone who has absolutely no grasp on how ivf, miscarriage, fertility problems can affect a woman. Again, totally thoughtless but I'm sure she didn't mean it maliciously, she probably didn't really know how to respond and wanted to cheer you up, but just very misguided and idiotic in the way she went about it.
For what it's worth, me and all the other women on here are on your side, you are not alone. Thinking of you too and sending big hugs xxx
Oh bless you. You are doing amazingly well. To be so positive and supportive of another's happiness when you are going through what you are going through is such a strong thing to do. It sounds as though your husband just made a badly timed comment, and perhaps he has not realised the effort it is taking for you to stay so strong? It sounds like he is amazing otherwise - I suppose we are all fallible. And anyone who has been through what you have knows it only takes one comment to send you over the edge when you are feeling so vulnerable. Perhaps you could talk to him about how hard it is to stay positive and to find positivity and support to offer to others when you are where you are at. He may not realise with this cycle that it is still hard, as you've managed to put a brave face on. You could tell him that you feel you've been really supportive towards them and tried to put a brave face on, but that that doesn't stop your own pain. And it IS painful to be happy for others who are pregnant when going through IVF; that is a fact. It's one of the hardest things I've had to face, because you can't get away from it; it is everywhere. I'm glad you had a good cry and got it out of your system. Please try not to let this hiccup make you reflect on yourself badly; feeling emotional does not make you any of the things you say! Really hoping tomorrow is a better day and sending lots and lots of love xxxxxxxx
Hi jenny34 - thanks so much for your kind comments. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you say it only takes one small comment to send you over the edge when you're feeling so vulnerable already... My hubby and I sorted it all the next day and I did feel better for having a really big cry! It's just a case of cracking on isn't it, and focussing on one step at a time and what to try next if things don't work out. Thank you again for your lovely words, sending lots of good thoughts and hugs to you for your journey 🤗 Xxx
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! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest folks. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. xx
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