Will you tell your child about IVF or egg donation?

[minerva17]

Hello dears! I'm just curious, as always, what do you think about sharing the truth of your conception with your child? I didn't think much about this but now when I'm going further, this question becomes more important. If it's a simple IVF, I see no reasons to hide this. But do we need to hide details of our pregnancy if it's egg or sperm donation? And if it's a surrogacy, what will you say?

[louisear]

I would say to anyone who has a baby through these means to be so proud of what they've been through and that baby is so so wanted and will be incredibly loved. I would say I wouldn't hide it and I'd be honest when the child is old enough to understand. As long as my pregnancy is successful, I wouldn't hesitate telling my precious little one was through IVF

[Hidden in reply to louisear]

Absolutely, wear those stories with pride xxx

[minerva17 in reply to Hidden]

Right you are! Thank you x

[minerva17 in reply to louisear]

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion. I like the train of your thoughts and I am proud of what I'm doing actually. I don't want to hide the truth as well but some women made me think it's not normal to tell my children about egg donation. I just want to be sure I'm sane since I was told the opposite. Thank you once again. Wish you a healthy pregnancy and looking forward to your new updates xx

[emu2016]

I won't hide it. We chose to go abroad for speed and success rate for our DE ivf and I was devastated to find that came with not being able to give any info on the egg donor for our child. We'll tell our child/children because we don't want them to find out by accident either.

DE conception is nothing to be ashamed of... so being open for us is important x

[minerva17 in reply to emu2016]

Thank you Mrs. Emu, I grasp it. I can't understand then why some women say that it's not the thing we need to share with our babis. Like if you are not able to get pregnant on your own you are kind of a wrong woman out of order. One more thing which pisses me off. Why aren't you able to give any info about your egg donor?

[Nesfin]

Hi Minerva, hope you and the boys are doing well 😊👍 I'm planning to be honest with my girls from the start, gently telling a bit more with each question when they're growing up. They need to understand that their father was a very special and kind man who helped me to get them into this this world and for us to be a little family. And he did it for the goodness of his heart even though he's not part of our lives. I will protect and shield my girls but try to answer their questions as they arise when they grow older. Here in the UK anyone going through fertility treatment has to go through counselling. And this was one of the topics raised in my sessions, and the counsellor said that even though it is an individual decision what and when to tell the children, there is a lot of supporting evidence that honesty from the start is the most beneficial approach for the children. There shouldn't be any sudden surprises, if anyone asks your kids one day when did they find out, they should think "they've always known". I fully understand and support this approach, and it is also further supported by my own personal experiences in my family. Families are raised and bonded together by love, mutual respect and honesty, regardless of blood ties. But especially teenagers have an amazing thirst for knowledge, searching for their identity and even though honesty can be a painful process, if is nevertheless necessary. Let's face it head on without unnecessary fuss. These kids are precious, loved, cherished.. and will love their parents regardless of the conception. But they need to know their biological heritage too. That's my quick two a penny ❤️❤️

[Hidden in reply to Nesfin]

Beautifully articulated and very true xxx Our origins, and they maybe wide and diverse, are part of our identity. It's better for children to be a part of that process, it helps them gain a better sense of self. It's better to be open and honest with children but delivered age appropriately for little ones to understand. Secrecy can be damaging and actually the earlier you start the more accepting children are, pretty amazing little beings really aren't they xxxx

[minerva17 in reply to Hidden]

you are totally right, can't agree more!xx

[minerva17 in reply to Nesfin]

Thank you dear Nesfin for your lovely reply. I'm gonna check if everything is alright on Wednesday but I'm sure they are fine. I feel them kicking inside and no doubts they're doing great. I hope your ladies are also well.

i'm pleased to know you are not going to hide anything as well. I din't discuss it with a doctor so it's useful to hear from a specialist that being honest is better anyways. That's so true, I'm sure that even raising adopted child or the one born via surrogacy doesn't make you 'less' mother to your baby. I just don't get whu people think that blood is everything. In addition they are proud of having "poor blood" or other things. that's why I guess they think that using donor eggs or sperm is the thing one should be ashamed of.

PS. sorry to hear that he is no longer with you..but you have 2 beautiful girls to ease your pain. Sorry if it's rude of me to mention this xxxx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi minerva17. You can buy some lovely books to read with your child, explaining all about their conception. All geared so that your child will understand. Just "google" the question and lots come up. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Diane

[minerva17 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you Diane! It's really helpful and it's definitely a good solution. For those who are also interested in this, I've found a few children books:

A Tiny Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life, An Egg Donor Story by Carmen Martinez Jover

A Part Was Given and an Angel Was Born by Rozanne Nathalie

Tabitha and Timothy Grow a Flower by Sarah Shackleton and Gillian Coulson

I will buy few of them I guess. Thank you! x

[Hidden]

Hi Minerva, I think everyone has the right to know where they have come from so for me it's important to be honest but that's only my opinion and would respect anyone who decided against that decision.

Like you I have went abroad and if it works we don't know the specifics of the lady to pass on but that's not an issue for me. I don't imagine these ladies are donating eggs to have any sort of contact from a child they helped create 18 years ago. There could be multiple people making contact if that were the case.

There are a few books that you can buy to read to your children from toddler age onwards.

Xx

[minerva17 in reply to Hidden]

Hello LBM, Thanks for sharing. As far as I see no one here is going to hide the truth. that's great in my opinion, although I can accept other opinion as well.

By the way, what do you know about your egg donor and what are you going to tell your child about her? Regarding books it's a good idea, I've just visited a few websites and going to buy few of them to create my own strategy for sharing babies' origins. Thank you xx

[Hidden in reply to minerva17]

Hey Minerva,

I think I will just keep it basic, I suppose until you start telling your child you don't know where it will lead but I think I would just be telling them that a wonderful lady helped mummy out when she was having problems with her own eggs and a kind lady have me some of hers. As and when the child gets older I would maybe release more information if their questions warranted it but whilst talking about it is important to me I also don't want it to be such a big deal.

Hopefully it will all just come naturally to us xx

[Tugsgirl]

I'm proud of myself and everything I've been through. I see no reason not to tell a child how they came to be. Conception is beautiful no matter how it happened 😊 Xx

[minerva17 in reply to Tugsgirl]

I admire women who are proud of unpleasant things they had to go through. I'll try bear in mind your words "Conception is beautiful". Sometimes I forget about it haha. Like few days ago when I decided to buy some clothes for my boys, a shop assistant totally pissed me off witing a few monutes. At that moment I didn't enjoy my raging hormones as Ii was ready to shout at her and burst into tears at the same time. Anyways, I keep enjoying everuthing when I'm calm 😊😊😊

xxx

[Leesalou]

If when I eventually have a baby, I will when there old enough share with them as I've got a book and cards that I'll be filling in with my journey for them to hopefully read one day, but I've not not had to have DE but if I did I would still share whatever journey I go though with them if I'm lucky enough to be given the chance xx

[minerva17 in reply to Leesalou]

Thank you Leesa! If you don't mind I'd like to ask you more about your preparations. What kind cards do you have, something special or you created them on your own? What information do you put down? I hope you'll have the chance! fingers crossed xxx

[Leesalou in reply to minerva17]

I got them from hellotreacle off etsy and my diary was also off etsy too. I'll see if I can find the link. The book allows you to add photos it's lovely. The cards are lovely too,

I haven't use any yet I'm hoping to first week in July after my nurses appointment,

I'm just taking each day as it comes and I've got a count down app to count down to my nurse appointment , baseline scan and ec, I'm a lot more positive this time around and more excited. I've got till 18th July before my baseline and injection

Xx

[Leesalou in reply to Leesalou]

etsy.com/uk/listing/5169626...

[Leesalou in reply to Leesalou]

etsy.com/uk/listing/4549018...

This is the book its hand are design but same as mine inside

[mannamay]

Hi Minerva. I personally dislike any kind of misrepresentation of the truth, implied or otherwise. We've already started sharing with our 3 year old that she was a special miracle for us (DE IVF). Besides which, the world knows as I was loud and proud in pregnancy to help others who could associate with our struggles (never brave enough to share during treatment).

Whatever anyone chooses is right for them for sure

[emu2016 in reply to mannamay]

<3 love this x

[mannamay in reply to emu2016]

thank you, emu2016 x

[minerva17 in reply to mannamay]

Thank you so much mannamay! That's so sweet, I like the way it sounds "special miracle"! Wise words I hear from you and you know, I can't wait to tell my boys about their beautiful donor. By the way, how does she take this information? Is it difficult for you? Does your husband support this idea?

[Petricker]

Hi. I think in general when someone finds out the truth about something they're more hurt by being lied to than about the truth itself.

I'm sure in future we will tell our child about its egg donor. It won't be a taboo thing to discuss and we will mention egg donation as soon as possible. So that there will be a day when he/she is older and saying "I remember when you told me." It's just a part of a child's story and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

[minerva17 in reply to Petricker]

Thank you Pet! You got it! Who are we to hide baby's origins or to lie about it. All of you persuaded me that telling the truth is what should be done as soon as possible. I didn't want to hide it but now I really want to share and I feel like I'm starting to be proud of myself. Thank to all of you!

PS. Fingers crossed for your positive result xx

[Fredaflintstone]

If we are successful with our DE treatment we would definitely tell the child, probably by using the age-appropriate books you can buy. Take a look at the donor conception network's website - I think that's what it's called - they have all sorts of resources available. We will probably join the network too so that we can connect with other families who have been through the same and hopefully that will give our child a supportive framework too. I too think honesty is the best way. The child will know that they are so loved, I think, knowing all we've been through. Good luck everyone xx .

[tiger-cub]

I think Minerva u are doing d right thing . But sometimes it's also some social stigma in certain countries and families that make it difficult for these woman to discuss it openly . I think if u can then that's d way to go . But we should not judge people who do not want to . Maybe it's d circumstances they are in is such that they are giving u such suggestions. But am very happy for u my dear . And don't let anyone control ur mind not conscious. Just know that Uve gone through such extent to hold ur lovely babies. And u and only u know what's in their best of interest. Just follow ur heart . ❤️❤️

[btsd]

I think that to be able to give a proper response to this question you should consider your children, whether they will think it is okay, whether they will understand, and if you think not then figure out what to do based on your kid's personalities, because for some it could me more of an ok subject but some may feel like they were betrayed.

surrogacy or egg donation... I think that there is no difference, however, if you have used your own eggs for surrogacy then why would you tell your kids about that if a baby is 100 percent yours?

and another thing. it is important how to tell the truth if you do not want to hide it.

[bfrida]

I'd prefer to be open with my kids(of course in future as we just started our next round)

you know there a lot of options how to tell your baby he or she was born with the help of reproductive medicine. To my mind, every child deserves to know the truth, the other question is how to tell it and don't offend his or her feelings.

every loving mother doesn't want to lose the connection with a baby..

so it should be done carefully.

[Drewhitcher]

Actually this is a frequently asked question. I've been asking myself but my answers were different. Here we deal with a difficult psychological collision. A lot of factors impact on the final decision.

I used to believe I’ll be absolutely clear and open to my future children. They need to receive only the clear truth. But of course I’m strongly afraid to face their bad response. Oh how I fear this. it’s my madness. I try taking hold on myself. It’s just my mental issue. The first thing I need crave is their healthy birth.

[Blooo33]

Yes. I’m ready to be honest. I’m already the happiest mom in whole world and I have ideas about how I will bring up my kid. I think it will be the same approach that I had when I was a child.

My sweatiest angel will know she was carried by another wonderful lady because her mom couldn’t do that herself. I will explain that it is a difficult world of human body. And it was a pleasure for us to find out a way out of the problem because we badly wanted her to be born.

Love for everybody. In any case we will face with the various problems when our babies are teenagers. So let’s live freely and wait for new challenges

[Byernblo]

I can’t. all of you may blame me but I ain’t gonna keep such an information in my house. It was just an episode my family had lived through to forget it rapidly.

I can’t say I wasn’t that who gave my baby birth. Actually I understand my powerful desire gave this event a chance to be happened. But in biological opinion I’m just a woman that waited for the date of birth.

It’s sad/ maybe I wasn’t prepared for further trials.

No any words I don’t intend to dive into explanations I will say I’m the only one mom.