Fertility Network UK
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All looking a bit bleak

Hi everyone

I haven't been on here much since our last BFN (in March), just because it was so hard to be around infertility/pregnancy conversations but I'm at a bit of a dead-end at the moment and hoping for some advice.

I'd hoped that by now it would be starting to get a bit easier, and that we'd have more of an idea about what to do next, but everything's just looking increasingly bleak.

I keep thinking that if our first cycle had worked I'd be about 5 months pregnant now and would be talking about it and looking forward to having a baby - or babies, as we had two embryos transferred each time - or, if the second one had worked, we'd be just getting to the time when we could think about telling people.

Of course, none of that is happening and, as my husband is away a lot at the moment (he's in the army) I'm struggling to find ways to keep going on my own. Getting up and showered seems like a massive ask, and make-up seems impossible. I'm eating all sorts of junk, even when I'm not hungry, but can't be bothered to cook anything, or even make a salad.

How are other people coping with this kind of situation? Does it get better, or do you just get used to it?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

H xx

8 Replies

Oh Hun I can feel your sadness in your words and I can completely relate. I think what makes it harder for you is not having the day to day support of your hubby, that must be so tough. Are you/have you accessed any counselling, I know it's not for everyone but I've found it helpful.

It's totally understandable that you'd feel so low, infertility is soul destroying and robs us of our spark, joy, motivation..so many things 😢 I feel exactly the same in that we have no idea what's next for us and although it's still early days since our 4th cycle ended so badly, we haven't got time on our side so feel a certain amount of pressure to make a decision. We feel really stuck on that thoughbecause we're just not sure there's any point trying again and aren't 100% about adoption right now.

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. All I can say is if one day you're able to get up and get your 'face on' perhaps go out locally and treat yourself to a little something (you definitely deserve it) and see if it helps, small steps but sometimes it only takes something small to raise a tiny chink of hope. I hope so 😘 Xx


Thank you, Hon. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

I'm 40, my husband is 49 so we haven"t got time on our side either - I sympathise with you and your OH. I don't know, realistically, if we'll try again now.

We've been to a couple of counselling sessions, but the hospital ones are on Wednesday mornings and I just can't keep taking the time off work. I could give notice, I suppose, I'm only on a supply contract, but that feels like a cop-out.

I've just spoken to my Dr, and they've given me an appt for today, so hopefully they'll be able to help.

I hope you and your husband get through this, and are happy with the family you have, whether that's the 2 of you, or your own kids, or adopted kids, or a load of furbabies. Keep looking after yourselves!

H xx


If there's anything you're not it's alone lovely, although I know in our day to day lives it can really feel like that. I've started looking around me when I'm out, at ladies alone or couples without children or just with their little dog (like us) and wondering if they're 'one of us' too. We're certainly everywhere, even if we're the only ones we actually know.

I've just read all the other replies and I'm really glad your doctor has signed you off for a while and you have a plan, however small or short term it could seem to others. I think we need to take the smallest steps and just be kind to ourselves when we're struggling.

It's so hard not knowing what's next isn't it, since our first cycle in January 2016 there's always been a plan but now we don't have one and I'm finding that hard like yourself. I'm 39 (and a half!) so you're always so conscious of that aren't you 😟

I really hope you get a good nights sleep and that, plus some breathing space, really help xxx


Oh hunny I hate hearing such sadness and not being able to reach out and hug you..am doing so virtually 😍😍. I have days the same as you describe and Georgina is right it must be so much harder if your hubby is away. I think we have to accept these dark days and just curl under duvet and cry and not beat ourselves up for feeling this way as when you think of what we have all been through its no bloody wonder we want to hide away. I found the simplest of things hard to do too and there is no timescale for grief..take as long as you need. It often helps when feeling like this though to jot down all the things to be grateful for. I kind of feel I have spent so long longing for what I don't have instead of looking at what I do have. Not always easy i know. Try to think of nice things to do and plan for that may put a wee smile on your face if only for a wee bit..mine is walking my furbaby then watching take me out..lol with crisps and dip of course😉. Know you are not alone please and anytime u need a chat pm me anytime. Hope the gp helps and not sure if you have next steps fertility wise yet but that might help too..take lots of care..huge hugs xxx

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It does get better honestly. It will always be hard, always be there but you'll get stronger. Have you considered counselling either through your clinic or your gp? X

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I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I agree with the suggestions of all the ladies above. Like Vic77 suggests, when I feel like everything is getting too hard, I have a notepad at the side of my bed and I write down 3 things that went well that day. They can be anything, from 'I had a lovely hot shower this morning' to 'I made myself a healthy lunch'. The key is to write things that went well, don't put pressure on yourself to write things that you enjoyed (because you may not be enjoying anything at the moment). It is in celebrating these little moments of happiness and success that you slowly come back to yourself. I hope it works for you if you try it. I might start it again tonight - I could do with some help too at the moment.

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Oh my goodness, you poor thing! I have been there too. It's awful but yes it gets better. Grief is so hard but that is definitely what it is, along with fear of the unknown. You will work out a path in time but you need to feel a bit better first. I recently heard someone say that grief is all consuming but you will find that life will try to sneak back in and you should let it. I wish someone said that to me back when I was where you are. Feel proud that given how you are feeling getting up and showered is a big step in the right direction. Eat what you fancy and don't care if it is just junk it's still food! I really hope the GP can help and that you have some supportive friends who you can share things with and try to help you smile or laugh even if only for a moment..... Apparently Clown 🤡 Therapy really is a treatment!!! Sending hugs x

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Everyone, thanks so much for your comments; it helps so much to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not going bonkers!

My Dr has signed me off work until my husband gets back from wherever he is on 18th June, so that gives me a bit of breathing space. She also prescribed me some sleeping tablets so hopefully I'll be able to get a full, proper night's sleep tonight. Disturbed sleep really isn't helping me to get through the days!

I've decided to catch up with everyone else in 2017 and start working my way through Grey's Anatomy, starting with series 1, so that should keep me going for a while (^-^). I've bought myself some new PJs (just cheapies) so I'm just going to curl up for a few days and give myself a bit of space.

Thanks again for reading my post and for replying - it makes a massive difference to know there are people out there looking out for me.

H xxxxx


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