This has been the worst 2ww and I am feeling very down. Perhaps foolishly did a pregnancy test today, day 10 post transfer, and it is negative. OTD is may 31st. So many feelings.. I am age 44 and perhaps need to wake up and smell the coffee, even with donor eggs. I hate thinking of this being negative cycle and having to think yet again about what to do... more crazy expensive and traumatic DE cycles... and if so, here/abroad? The thought of pursuing adoption is traumatic too. I am so sad, and life feels so unfair. I feel exhausted and thoughts come of throwing in the towel.
As many of you know, this was a disappointing DE cycle with a UK clinic. From 15 frozen eggs, we have 2 'fair' embryos (BC) on day 6. We were devastated by this especially after the truly huge expense! Nothing in the freezer. I particularly went with a UK clnic because of the good stats,expecting one excellent transfer and 3 in freezer. Plus I was keen to have a non-anonymous donor in case our child wanted to contact their donor. Now I feel stupid, that we should have considered this 'disaster' scenario more carefully, and just gone abroad, where it is so much cheaper, fresh egg cycles and even packages where if after 3 rounds you are unsuccessful they give you a refund.
It is really hard to think of going through this again. I am finding all the injections really hard too. I am on lentogest intramuscular to my bottom which has been really sore at times, lubrion twice daily to my tummy on the days I am not doing lentogest, with of course the clexane (which I find much worse than the lubrion.. I think the needle on it is not great). My tummy is a bruised battlefield. The problem is, in my negative state, it all feels like 'pissing in the wind' and it will all come back negative anyway.
I feel friends/work colleagues are looking at me and thinking we are obsessed and mad.
Sorry for such a gloomy post. I am still try to keep hope alive for this transfer, but even that makes me feel upset... remembering previous cycles where I was in this position of keeping hope alive.. and it was negative.
xxx
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Coracle
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Your post just popped up on my email almost as if to say 'read this... you will be able to relate' and I can. I am still crying.
It's hard not to test early. I know I did with DE transfer and it was also a BFN. I had to hide the tests from my Oh as he wanted me to wait and for us to test together. You'd think knowing early would somehow of prepared me for the actual BFN but it destroyed me. I didn't get out of bed for days. I didn't have a reason to. My oh had work and I quit that to try DE thinking if I wasn't stressed it would work. I'm nearly 43. Had 3 tries with my own eggs that resulted in BFN x 2 and M/C. We were told Donor Eggs would be the only way to go and we'd end up with our little bundle of joy. We paid and waited on the list for over a year and nothing so we changed clinic (also in UK). Ended up with 13 eggs that fertilised out of maybe 20 and ended up with 3. 2 were 5 day blasts 5aa quality and the other 4. I have 2 blasts left ... the 5aa and the 4 but knowing the 5aa failed breaks my heart and thinks what could possibly be different this time. I'm not using injections yet, but I know how painful and worn out they leave you. We put our bodies through so much and when it fails it's heartbreaking. I keep thinking maybe we should have gone abroad for DE due to the cost. I know others will say it's not about the cost or it shouldn't be, but we have spent over 10K on this last attempt for a BFN and I'm now not sure whether if this last FET fails we can go again. I know... I'm negative and should be thinking positive etc, but when you've been super positive, tried everything and still had nothing it's hard.
I didn't tell anyone at work as I feared I would get the looks. Another colleague tried Ivf twice and ended up pregnant twice now with 2 young boys I see everyday. Other people who know, give me the look or the nod but you can hear them losing hope for you. I had another very good friend who told me "I should stop putting my body through all this, wanting the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and a dog and a happy life etc and just get on with living". They don't want children so it's so hard to find a reason to be happy right now.
Thanks a lot Music1. Easy for me to say, but I would say you have a really good chance. Consultants told me before that if had 3 excellent/good graded DE embryos really high chance of success over the 3 cycles. At my clinic, 63% percent chance success per embryo transfer.. but after 3 of those, you should 'statistically' be in a really good chance for success. Part of my being so upset this time, was that after being 'promised' this scenario, we had 2 blastocysts of medium quality and nil to freeze.
Really sorry what your friend said to you.
Big hugs and thank you for all your words of encouragement and comfort to me! xx
Oh hunny! It is okay to feel that way...not good obviously, but completely normal. It is not over yet, so hang in until the 31st...things could well have altered by then.
You must not feel stupid. NO ONE can predict things, whether positive or negative and you made the best decision at the time - considered, appropriate and hopeful. None of us can do more than that.
Only you will know when enough is enough but today is not the day to make any decision. Today, just look after yourself, try and do something to make you smile and know that there are many ladies on here who are in your corner, who will never judge and who send lots of love xxx
Sorry to hear this corale, its all so draining when you are expecting bad news! You cant blame yourself for not looking at different options, Im sure you were well guided by the clinic in having the frozen eggs and more importantly that you wanted to be able to pass on the donor info so you did it all with the right reasons. Its hard formulating the next move whilst still at this stage though I am the same, I like to think I know where Im going next so can understand you scrutinizing everything. Sending you a big hug and really hoping that things turn around in the next few days for you! !xx
Thanks so much Cinderella. Really helpful having all your ladies feedback.. and encouraging me to not listen to myself too much right now! Easier said than done.. but I think I've cured myself of any more testing until perhaps day before OTD now.. hubby away on OTD..
Oh Hun, really feel for you but a lot can change in the next few days so really there is still some hope to hang on to! I won't tell u not to look at other options until u know as I am exactly the same.i only had my FET yesterday and am already considering what should be done if it's bad news!! Women are planners we need a plan B, C ,D etc!! im 45 so I know my chances of this FET working r slim!😢
I really really hope that come OTD, any research/plans u r looking at now can be scrapped as u will have your BFP!! Big hugs xxx
thx so much 72cloud9 . Really hope your FET works. Well, he or she is a strong embryo to make it to be a good blastocyst for freeze, AND to survive the thaw.. so will keep fingers and toes crossed for you xxx
So sorry to hear you're feeling so low Hun, we all totally understand but I really hope it's just too early (which is more than likely 🙏🏻)
I'm also feeling the same about the future because although I got a bfp at the start of the week, I am definitely having a full on period as we speak. I am so exhausted with it all and really feeling like I can't put us through it again, but daunted by adoption too like yourself. It's really not fair, I'm just glad us ladies have each other and know we're never really alone, although it can certainly feel like that.
I really hope things turn around for you lovely, sending hugs xxx
So so sorry to hear your news. It is very kind of you to send such a nice note when you are going through this. Thinking of you too and big hugs back to you xxx
I've said this time and time again... I have no idea how we keep going on this journey. The time and the money are the bits that frustrate you and p*ss us off. But it's the physical and psychological stress too. That's what amazes me. I really hope you get to speak to the clinic soon so they can chat to you about why etc. Big hugs for this morning xxxx
I can totally imagine you feel down today. We put so much into the IVF process, mentally, physically and emotionally and if we lose control of the only thing we want to control the most, it's so frustrating, saddening, disempowering, infuriating, challenging and god knows what else! I can understand that in your situation it feels like you're reaching some cross roads. But, you're not there until you're there. I've been totally guilty of asking my consultant lots of "what if" questions, but he plainly refused to answer and just said "we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there".
A few more days will give you a little more clarity, at least in terms of this cycle, which might also teach you / the experts about what can be changed to improve an outcome if you'd go for it again.
I agree with the other ladies on here who have said they know how you feel. I think this is the worst part of a cycle... your intuition says it hasn't worked but you can't be sure so you can't move on. It's not the time to be trying to make decisions for the future. I truly think that all you can do is keep busy and maybe have a good moan to people who understand (us!). I'm really holding you in mind and hoping this is your time xx
Thx so much. Really helps to hear it from you guys. You know this stuff yourself, but once in the grip of the horrible time yourself, it is hard to tell yourself these things xxx
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Georgina. I'm so so sorry to read this. Sending you big hugs too x
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