Despair

Hi ladies, please forgive what is going to be a 'pity party' type post :( I am so fed up with everything in general...why can't life just leave us the hell alone?? I was just starting to get back on my feet and feel positive after months of depression last year, for which I sought counselling. I really felt that it helped me and allowed me to focus my mind and make some decisions regarding my future fertility treatment.

I am booked for DE IVF next month, something that has cost my husband and I all our savings. I know many of you will understand what a costly process IVF is, even doing it abroad. Well, we are one month away and instead of being excited and full of anticipation, I am trying to support a husband with severe depression.

He has valiantly kept his business going all through the recession, but ironically, has just had 2 of the worst months financially that he can recall. One more month like it and he will have to close his business. I don't know what we will do. He is my entire world, when he hurts, I hurt. Seeing him under so much destructive stress is killing me inside...I cannot help him and I cannot magic business out of nowhere. He is hard-working, honest and fantastically talented at his career, but for what? No one cares. He is so fragile at the moment, I am ill with worry over him and our future. Any treatment under these conditions is bound to fail...

Add to this the massive amounts of stress I have been under at work (I adore my job but it is full-on) and we are both crumbling. Why? Why must everything be so sodding difficult?? When can we just relax in life and focus on acquiring the baby that we have longed for for so long?

I do apologise for this long-winded moan but I am feeling like I am about to hit rock bottom again after clawing my way out of the isolation and despair that infertility has caused. I am feeling numb, yet totally terrified.

The timing could literally not be worse...I am crying as I write this. Feel like our only chance is doomed!! 😒 Can anyone please make me feel like my world is not going to hell in a handbasket???

21 Replies

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  • Oh darling, I really do feel for you, I don't think anything I say will make it better apart from don't forget you have each other!! That is the most important thing going. Life really is so unfair at times and they throw stuff at you to make you stronger so they say when actually it breaks you.

    I know exactly how you feel about the money side of things because we are currently having to save up now, all for what.. for it to do the same as last time produce bad grades embies and then just fail, I have now got to the point where I've finally got my head around the last fail and now not sure if I can go through that again. But some how I know I will.

    This group is so good for a rant and to release what you need to, especially to people who understand.

    I'm sending a big hug to you and hope that you have the strength to stay strong and go forward with your next ivf. Always here if you want to private message for a chat πŸ’• Xxx

  • Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I am grateful for your warmth, sympathy and kindness - it makes me feel a lot less alone xx

    I hope your next attempt is THE one that brings you much happiness 😘

  • You don't have to thank me, we are a big family here as I like to call it, and if I can bring warmth and comfort to someone then that makes me happy, take time out and go out for dinner spend some time just you and your man, and just realise that what you are just about to go though was never going to be easy, but I have every faith and keeping everything crossed that this will be your time!! And will be the one good positive thing to come out of the horrible time you are going through. Sometimes blocking things out is the easy option to make sure you relax and give your embie the best start xxxx

  • I'm so sorry life is dealing you a really tough hand at the moment especially. Emma-jane-30 is right though. It will bring you closer. We went through really tough years in 2014 and 2015 and got so much solace from each other. Try and be strong for each other as that is what will get you through. It seems spectacularly unfair when you both just want to work and have a family in a peaceful environment. I don't know how I managed it really but I managed to get my head around the concept that everyone has a plan mapped out for them with different bumps planned along the way. It feels like our bumps have all happened in the last few years but I have faith that we will get a stretch of smooth at some point. Life can't always be bumpy. It's this hope that gets me through these tough times. Whilst you feel despairing at the moment be strong in the knowledge that it will pass eventually. I will be thinking of you both. Big hug. x

  • I really appreciate your kind response! I spent most of last night telling my husband that it would be okay...I don't know how, but I would like to think it will be.

    Your idea of a journey with bumps in the road is a good way of rationalising things. I am going to try hold on to the notion that the road has to become smoother, wider and easier to travel at some point. Xx

  • No probs. We all need people who just understand. We've been in the situation where we've been relying on just my wages a few times and initially I used to worry about it but now I just think well something will turn up and it always seems to fortunately. x

  • Aw bless you! You are having such a rough time. I just want to respond about your expectation that it's bound not to work because of all the stress... from what I've read, there's very little actual scientific proof that stress reduces conception rates. It's talked about a lot, but there's barely any research into it. The research that I've found seems to be based on the knowledge that extreme stress can prevent ovulation. But this won't affect you in your case.

    I always think about this... Women in war zones don't all stop conceiving, and they must be super stressed. Stressing about stress levels just makes everything feel worse.

    I wish you all the best for whatever comes next on this bumpy ole road of life xx

  • Thank you Lizzie, I had never thought about it that way but it makes sense. I suppose I am being overly emotional because we have so much invested in this attempt. I will try and repeat the phrase 'science not magic' to try give me some perspective xx

  • So many people go on and on about how important it is to relax, it was making me feel stressed out trying! That's why I did a bit of reading around it.

    Life with infertility and doing Ivf is not relaxing. Especially given the financial cost. It's never made me feel excited and hopeful either. I don't think you're being overly emotional at all, you're having a difficult time. And I think you're doing the right thing by talking (typing) about it.

    I might steal your phrase 'science not magic' to remind myself on down days too x

  • Countycat I hate to hear how low you are feeling atvthe moment. Life is just so unfair at times. It is a difficult enough process as it is without other issues going on with the business.

    The money is a real drain and puts so much more stress onto a situation.

    All I can say is one day at a time and i pray the business picks up a bit this month to release some pressure.

    You need to believe in the process and what the other girls have said is so true, you sound like an amazingly strong couple and I have no doubts you will be able to come through this together stronger than ever.

    Remember the odds of DE success are so much higher and I have no doubts you and your lovely hubby will have your baby with this treatment.

    Life never stays still for long and I hope how you are feeling now passes quickly.

    This moment will fade really soon.

    Much love to you xx

  • LBM, bless you for listening and for all the support...it means everything to me xx

    All you ladies on here positively impact so many lives!!!

  • Morning country cat I'm so sorry to read the words and feel your pain as I read them. Our situation was similar ish last year. 4 years in to TTC and still no luck and my husband was made redundant and didn't work all year (we can't survive on one salary) but funnily enough we got so close last year we talked more we spoke our minds to each other and we shared our fears and stresses. I read a few books and decided I had to focus on the good stuff and not the bad and cheesy as it sounds it really worked. You are allowed to have a pity party as you describe, it's a tough tough time for you both but you can get through it together. Is it wrong for me to suggest you push back your treatment just a little to give you both time to feel stronger and more positive? You probably don't want to hear that so sorry if it offends but you deserve for the treatment to work and the doubts in your words are the reason I suggest it. I am massive believer in the power of the mind and visualisation (I know this isn't for everyone) I imagined our life would turn upside down and go from husband without a job and money and us without the family we craved to what we desired, my husband had a job offered to him at the end of last year and we conceived 6 weeks later. Miracles can happen, sounds like you need and deserve one of your own. I hope you get it xx

  • Mrsjj, I hope your pregnancy is going really well. Delighted to hear that things have turned a corner and are more stable for you and your husband now.

    My mother-in-law is a big believer in positivity breeding hope and better things. I guess I should try to take a page out of her book and be more assured of the dreams we wish for ourselves.

    I am not offended at all by your suggestion, we have until 5th May to cancel this cycle so will need to make some major decisions soon. But, as you say, we have been waiting for this for years, so...

    I am sure you can't wait to be a mom and what a wonderful home your baby will have xx

  • You're going through a really tough patch aren't you? 😞 It must be so hard to carry both yours and your Hubbys depression. Of course it's ok to be strong for him but don't take on too much because there's only so much one person can take before they break and then you'll be no use to anyone 😞 I hope things pick up for you both soon. Please take care of yourself xx

    Vicky

  • Thank you Vicky. Just read your post this morning :( You have been through so much...I hope Lilly is feeling extra cuddly today xx

    I am trying to keep it together because as you said, we can't both fall off the rails!! The virtual hugs on here are really keeping me going xxx

  • Then here's one from me too πŸ€— xx

  • My husband was made redundant a few years ago. Luckily I was still working so we were able to cover bills and still have a holiday here and there. He was devasted as he predominantly felt like a failure and then as he is independent wanted to be contributing. There was also a recession going on so jobs were non existant. I was attending college part time in the evenings and so he fell into a 'house husband' type of role and for a while it was ok. Once I finished coll though I started focusing more on him and through talking and more talking we managed to identify what it was he actually wanted to do. He went self employed and found a few regular clients and is happily working now for the last few years. So tugsgirl is right, dont bring too much on yourself, know your limitations. For me I knew I just didnt have the time while in college. I found getting out of the house and going for walks was great for clearing the head and reconnecting with one another. I hope this long rant might be of use to you. You have each other remember and thats worth all the gold in China xxx Wishing you a smoother road ahead xxx

  • I can relate Beanme. My husband feels that because his business is failing, he has let us both down and is an unworthy and useless person. He has lost all his confidence. It kills me 😭 He is so hard on himself.

    I am so pleased to read that your other half is working and doing something he cares about - wonderful!

    I do take great comfort in the fact that we have one another and will continue to cling to that.

    Thanks for everything xx

  • I know it mightnt feel like it right now but things do get better. Take it day by day. Wishing you and your hubby all the best. Give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him xxx

  • Didn't want to read and run - I'm so sorry you are feeling like you're slipping again - your mental health is the most important thing to look after - well done for posting and looking after yourself by doing so x my husband is also really struggling in his business and may have to fold in the next few months. It's so hard seeing his dreams teetering on the edge... I have nothing much to offer except sympathy and knowing that I don't beat myself up if I have to disengage sometimes from the intensity of the perfect shit-storm we face of financial uncertainty and IVF... I know sometimes we both have to do what we need to do in order to cope and then try to reach out inbetween on my stronger days/hours.

    I'm still trying OE but would consider embryo adoption - the point being that age isn't as much of an issue if we decide to move on from OE. If you are really so worried about slipping back in to depression, maybe a month or two's delay might not hurt? Where your clinic is abroad and what your job is might even make another time of year favourable - I don't know?

    If you do decide that maybe you could have a health plan or something to get you a but more proactive and positive rather than feeling it's a delay?

    Oh to some extent I feel like I'm dishing out advice I should be listening to myself. Hope it isn't stuff that's patronising. Ignore if it is and sending you lots of hugs xx

  • Not patronising Skatty, I know you are just trying to help! I am sorry to hear about your own troubles and your husband's business. It is such a precarious rollercoaster and then you add IVF into the mix and it is pure chaos!! I think it might be valuable for me to disengage a bit, I think I am too involved and trying to process too much emotionally. I went swimming this afternoon for an hour to clear my head and I do feel slightly better.

    You will be in my thoughts...I hope things go better for you both and you can tackle your IVF from a place of peace and positivity. Thank you for the support xxx

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