Hello everyone!

Can I get a piece of advice? There has not been a calm year on my life for the longest time. Sorry to even start it. I feel very childish when saying that I was suffering a lot, I feel like it is not an adulty thing you know. You should be that strong to meet your hardships and fears without any depression or tantrums. At least I was taught that by my parents. Everyone in our family has been a fighter and when I say it I mean it. That’s why I feel like I am a total disappointment that after all those years I start losing hope and getting weaker and weaker with every failure I meet.

I don’t know what your reaction will be to this post but I just want it to be honest. Do not feel like you have to say to me all those calming words, if you feel like I am whining tell me. Because I know that all of you are fighters! But can you accept someone like me who is the least positive person in the world at the moment…

I have asked for your advice yeah. I just want your advice on how to cope with the inability of having kids and with all of the negatives I have received in my life? I am sure you have a lot to say.

Thank you!

34 Replies

  • i am going to be first to comment I see

    I can't wish anything but luck, I am sure you have been through a lot and you are right that there are women with their own tragedies who have managed to overcome their past with having their desired babies... I am sure you will be one of them somewhere in the future!

    and! you are also a fighter, you are strong. your inability to quit what you have started and even if you did quit, not everyone is prepared for the trials like the fight with infertility is... coming from a woman who underwent hysterectomy..

    and yet, I was not ready to give up too.

  • oh I am not a fighter I am a weak human being who just wants to end all of my struggles and just stop even trying!

    I do not want to continue all of this because I am sure that my fertility journey will be full of negative results and I am going to waste my money and that's it.

    my parents do help my dh and I but we are thinking about selling our car because in US ivf is not affordable although I have been reading about ivf treatments of a lot of women on this forum and I am surprised so many women go for this treatment even though it is that expensive. but yes, in GB it is funded if I remember it correctly

    well, thank you for leaving such a nice reply!

  • well you are! I think it is better for you to stop thinking that you are not a fighter when it is clearly false. actually it is better to start praising yourself for what you have done even if the result was unflattering. you should not be diminishing yourself and your achievements. I think the sole fact that you have been through ivf and through bfns should obviously tell you that you are strong

    well, yes, some rounds are funded but like it is a very complicated matter and i do not know much about it. i myself am taking part in surrogacy program but I know a lot of women who actually went abroad because of the lack of funding or as you have mentioned it the prices in US or elsewhere.

  • i know that you can go in any country you want (and where egg donation is allowed) and I actually went to Spain for my last round. it was our first egg donation ivf and I was full of hope haha if not to say more because I was blaming my ovaries yeah for not working well and for producing such a low quality egg cells. but turns out there's more. for some reason I couldn't get pregnant after this ivf round using healthy and beautiful egg cells of the donor.... I am not sure who's to blame....

    that's why I do not know what to do as it seems like infertility is the only available thing for me

  • hm do not know much about Spain and its' fertility options but maybe it was just one time? one clinic that was not that good at doing its job? to be quite honest I am not surprised about hearing that you are now disappointed in everything although you should not! honestly! not all clinics are the same. I went abroad too and I have no complaints whatsoever!

    but where have you done your previous ivf?

  • maybe you are right one thing I am sure I am not going to Spain for another time. I do not know but I think they lied to be about the donor. they said that the girl is 25 yo and completely healthy but only 2 embryos survived and 1 was transferred another one we have frozen but I am not going to use it... obviously

    well... as you see

    my first 3 ivfs were done in US... yeah... I was really crazy back then and did not want to go for a cheaper option and now I regret that decision so much...

  • maybe that was the case.. you never know. but what were the reviews? have you read any of them? I mean there could've been a mistake but maybe it is how they work with everyone. if so there should've been some women who wanted to share their awful experience too... the key for finding the perfect clinic is your research. you should not miss even the smallest detail..

    anyways... I see... maybe you really should opt for a clinic abroad again?

  • maybe I should.. someone told me that there are clinics that offer contracts for ivf egg donation but with the transition to surrogacy. I think that it sounds promising...

    well... I haven't read any reviews on this clinic apart from their official web-site, they had some positive feedback over there so I thought that it was enough but now I am sure I have made a huge mistake...

  • oh I have heard about it as well

    you see due to my condition I was strictly opting for surrogacy without any ivf option.. but in my clinic they also have such contracts

    I see that you are regretting your decision, I beg you not! Please, leave to the past what you cannot change in the present or in the future. Keep your head up and look in your bright future!

    I am sure you will be one of those who have BFps too

  • OK.... But I do not know where to start.... I do not know what to do. My fear about not getting BFP next time keeps growing every day.

    I think that I have to do something

    just to keep calm

    But as I have told you I have been feeling better today at least and yesterday evening too

  • Even with the best quality embies, IVF doesn't always work. This isn't necessarily the clinic's fault, it's just how it is. If you've got a frozen embie, are you really sure you don't want to use it? Surely it would be more expensive and upsetting to start again from scratch?

  • well, I see what you are trying to say and I totally agree with you that it is not always clinic's fault that embies were of a bad quality or didn't stick. but to be quite honest

    you see I do not want to use that frozen embie because of my fears that the donor was not that healthy or young, I think that there are some unexplained questions that put me in this nervous state and even if I change my mind this att won't be successful at all. now, I think that rather than Spain I should go to the clinic where it is possible to see donors and choose them.

    I am not really sure that it'd be much more expensive. I think that there are still countries where ivf egg donation's prices are relatively cheap

  • it is just a fear. it is okay to be scared but you should understand that it is just your emotions, just your brain playing tricks with you. I am serious right now, fear is nothing when you do not feed it. it will disappear after you decide that it's been too much and you are done with being afraid of something that hasn't even taken place yet. do you realize that you are scared of unreal things that are yet to become reality.

    So. My advice for not is going to be that - do something! Just do it.

  • Well I am going to do something pretty soon! my gyno has told me that I am now ready for my next attempt whether it to be ivf egg donation or surrogacy. but obviously I am all for ivf just to be a woman who carries and delivers a baby, to be a mother. I am not sure whether surrogacy is even an option. because I haven't been even thinking about it at all to be quite honest. even though I knew about this option I am not yet ready for it. I have heard of some contract options for egg donation ivf with the transition to surrogacy. I know that in my case I am going to have only 2 att of ivf left maximum so I have to think about my further actions..

  • yes I have read it

    have you already contacted the clinic or something?

    do what you heart thinks is the best!


    PS I think that the contract with the transition to surrogacy might be a very good option. A very safe one

  • You just do it… there is no right or wrong way to cope with something as difficult something as emotional as infertility. You just have to deal with it your own way… but as you can see, there are a lot of communities where we share our pain and get advice. So I think the best way to deal with something like infertility is to find you a buddy or buddies who will encourage you!

  • well, that's what I have been telling myself the whole time, all of the tries I have been wasting for nothing. but it does not help much

    but I am glad I have been receiving that amount of support from all of you. hope to find someone to talk to when I have no strength left..

    lots of love


  • Lots of love hun

    I do not know your story but I definitely hope that your depression won't last long and sooner or later you will find your peace!

    Sending you fertility vibes!


  • my story is not that complex just a small story of a small human being

    but if you are interested. I have undergone 3 ivf oe and only 1 de. the last one was a total failure

    i am losing my hope right now but as you can see I am writing on this forum with some hope left... maybe someone will give me a lot of support and help me actually...

    well... thank you again

  • hope you find the best advice here. hope you like our community as I am 100 percent sure that you have done the right choice when coming here

    lots of luck honey

    what can I do to make you happy? :)

  • thank you a lot.... but I do not know still what to do...

    my situation is not near as complex as it could've been

    it's just I had 4 ivfs and it didn't result in anything good

    i am afraid i have to stop trying

    but I want to continue for the last time...

    how to start believing in yourself? it seems like I cannot

  • I know only that it is still possible for you to undergo another round if of course your health allows it! I want to say that there is still hope and the most important lesson life gave me was that you should never lose hope, you never know what may happen and having that much of stress is no good for anyone really. Keep calm, maybe take some time off but do not stop trying! I am sure you will achieve all of your dreams!

    You are one of those unknown heroes that fight with the worst enemy of the human race. You should feel proud and think of yourself as of a hero!



  • Oh! Such a powerful message!!

  • I agree with Bethany though I am not sure it could be applied to me as I do not feel like I am a hero at all… I feel like I am a loser.. as obviously how can you be a hero when you haven’t been able to produce anything great.. I want to have kids, desperately; I want to become a mother. But life gives me only lemons without any sugar and if I try to make lemonade it would taste as bad if not even worse…

    But I am really thankful for your post.. I am going to continue till the end but I am not sure I have forces…

  • oh I wish there is a slightest chance to live our lives like nothing has happened, like we are not damaged by childless existence. Few days ago I was sure I was able to cope with everything, but now I'm too weak to go any further. I don't think there are words which can comfort us. People's support makes things better, but not for too long...We only need time to overcome this. Lots of love to you xxx

  • there are times when I keep asking myself why something like this has happened to me??? I do not have an answer to this question at all.. why me? why anyone? this is so unfair.... I just keep suffering

    I think we need the desired BFP to overcome this... i think that it is the ultimate cure for women like us!

    Thank you!

    Wish you the best too... I understand you, I know what you are going through I am gathering forces for another round but I am not even sure whether I should go for it anymore...

    wish someone could decide for me...

  • We all suffer in our own way. I've gotten my bfp and you know it's not enough... I need another cure after all. I received my tests for hormones today and contacted my clinic. I'm not able to try again after mc... the higher you are the farther you fall, you know. how many rounds have you already had?

  • 4.... 3 on my own eggs and only 1 on donor's eggs but the story about us using donor's eggs is too long and very upsetting for me

    i have seen some s*** basically

    what? are you telling me that you won't be able to have kids anymore???

    what??? the world is so unfair... I am even more upset now

    well nothing left rather then to wish you the best

  • 4 cycles, just like me...I can imagine how you feel and don't want you to remember all this. I'm sure I won't try ivf again, this was a mistake to expect happy ending. I will never carry a baby. I will never know what it's like to deliver a child...The next step is surrogacy. A contract with my clinic involves ivf and jump to surrogacy without losing money paid for de ivf.

    This world is so cold...Thank you for support honey. I'm thinking of you and sending you vibes of harmony and joy x

  • you too?? 4 cycles and all with negative result?? I mean what in the world...

    but why can't you carry a child? I am still hoping to have my own kids, well, at least to give birth to my child whether it was conceived with ivf and de or not... you see i was already beaten by life by the words of my reproductologist when he said that I am no longer suitable for the plain ivf I have to consider egg donation.. but i had one cycle more after the "diagnosis" on my own eggs but it was a failure, a complete one.

    but well...

    I must not whine as there are women who are having it a lot worse than I am.

    Lots of love xx

  • yeh, first 2 cycles were oe ivf. I had too few eggs and not more than 2 embies each time and their quality was far from AA. Doctors refused to perform one more oe ivf and I was advised to do ivf with de...don't know how it happened, but we got only three 3AB embies and again no go. frankly speaking I didn't want to try again and thought about surrogacy, but then my hubby found out that there is a clinic which has a package consisting of ivf+surrogacy...I was assured they have great and experienced donors so my chances were high...they were right, I got my bfp from the very first try and I was happy as hell, but don't know what happend. Maybe it's because of my thoughts of surrogacy. you see, I was ready for it.. now it's my last resort. I think I can carry a baby physically, but my mental state is not stable enough against the background of recent events. Anyway, I was given time to consider one more de ivf, it's also involved in the package. 99% sure I won't do this.

    Good for you not to give up. I admire your courage! Keep fingers crossed for all of us xxx

  • i admire YOUR courage. how the hell you are still in your mind after what has happened to you!

    I mean I am not against surrogacy as a mean of having kids but I do not feel like I am ready for it at all. maybe you still have chances with ivf? but why? are you afraid of another negative outcome? well, I can see why and I understand you!!! anyways, whatever you choose it is very important to be 100 percent sure that you really want it! it will give you not only the courage but will insure you in the positive result.

    well, i see that it'll be egg donation surrogacy? or what?

    PS but what kind of contract is that? I mean... my situation screams it

  • thank you! actually I was in a good mood and didn't need much time to recover after my prev fails. but I knew I had poor chances. this time is different, it could all be different and it was my first bfp ever!! gosh...I felt it you know, life inside me and it's gone. I can't do this anymore, I'm afraid. I'm not brave after, o totally agree with you, confidence is important.

    Yeah, it's de surrogacy. This package includes 1-2 de ivf attempts and in case of negative result you would be transferred to surrogacy program and your previous payments for ivf would be regarded as first payments for surrogacy. the only extra payment is for this transfer, eur 2k. pretty good option, right?

  • oh sweetheart!!! I see what you mean, I have been through BFNs and it was already damaging for me... for my mental health. I am incapable of understanding your situation.. I haven't lost my child the wole process hasn't even reached the stage where I would feel the embryo as a baby... I know that a lot of women do actually call their embryos - embabies like they know from the beginning that everything will result in BFp but I do not... I am not sure.. I want to give up

    well... it is good... but to be quite honest I haven't even heard of this type of contracts earlier every clinic seems to be very strict in US and in Europe...

    but it could save me a lot of money...

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