I just wondered how those of you who have experienced loss cope with the due date. I should have been expecting a baby girl in May and will be forever heartbroken that I will never meet her. I have taken months to start healing and am finally at a point where I'm back at work and starting to see friends 1:1 for walks. However with the due date getting ever closer I know things are going to become more difficult and triggering again. I wondered if anyone has any advice on how to cope with the due date after loss (mine was TFMR)?
Thank you xx
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Skittles11
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Hi Skittles, I’m so sorry for for your loss. It is so hard. The due date of my loss even though it was early still affected me more than I was expecting. This year we took the day off work & went for a walk & a coffee in the country. Just taking sometime for ourselves really helped. All emotions are valid at a time like this. Take care of yourselves.xx
Hi Skittles, my due date is 13 April. The month of April is something I’ve been dreading ever since our loss and now it’s here. I’m hoping it goes by very quickly. As April has drawn closer I’ve found it very difficult and Mother’s Day was the worst day for me in a while.
I’ve tried to focus my energy on thinking of ways to remember our boy. I’ve ordered these packs of forget me not seeds which I’m going to send to my closest friends and family around due date. I’m also going to make some butterfly cupcakes for the wonderful ladies at child bereavement UK who have been amazing.
I’ve booked a few days off work and we are hoping to go to the lakes to remember and reflect.
No one should ever have to suffer this pain and I’ve often felt like my friends and family have forgotten about everything we’ve gone through and that due date is nearing. Whilst their lives have moved on ours hasn’t. Our lives have fallen apart.
We miss our boy so so much and we will do everything we can to keep his memory alive as we near closer to due date.
Have you thought of any ways to remember?
My cousin has had her baby boy today, we should have been due the same week. It hurts so much.
Hey, thank you so much for your reply and sharing your thoughts, I appreciate this is a really difficult time for you as well and I'm sorry you are hurting too. I think the seeds are a lovely idea, where did you get them from? The cupcakes are such a nice idea too, I'm sure the ladies at Child Bereavement UK will really appreciate them.
You have a way of phrasing things that really resonates with me. Like you, my loved ones have moved on whilst I have not. For me it is still very real and impacts upon me every single day. One of the difficulties I have is I want to remember and reflect but my husband does not have quite the same need to reflect. It can make me feel quite alone, as I feel like I don't have anyone to grieve with and even coming up with ideas on how to mark important dates can feel like a solitary activity. I guess I was hoping to gain some inspiration from others that have had a loss so really grateful for your thoughts and for sharing such a personal difficulty xx
I bought them on a website called Love Bespoke but there are also plenty on Etsy. Forget me nots come back every year and so I hope that each year they flower we and our family/friends will remember.
There’s no right way to do due date/special dates, don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you just want to book the day off and spend the day in bed that’s fine, as is getting out in the fresh air and walking. I have no idea how the lakes will go, I’ll probably spend the entire time sobbing, but that’s ok.
In relation to your husband, the experience I’ve had is that my husband didn’t really open up about due date until I mentioned it. I told him I had ordered the seeds and that I was making the cupcakes. I also asked him to book 2 days off. He then booked the lakes for us. I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve done what I needed to do for me, I know he is grieving and we both had a good sob when the seeds arrived, but he has a different way of showing it. But I totally agree with you that baby loss is SO lonely. No one will truly understand unless they’ve walked down this path.
At my last CBUK session they also said about organising some nice things in April like self care. Trying to do a bit of that too.
Did you manage to join Sands in the end? The ladies on there really do get it and I’ve met some people who I am sure I’ll keep in touch with for a long time. Xxx
Hello I’m so sorry you’re living through this too. I found the whole month of my due date last August horrendous in a way I hadn’t felt to the same degree with other earlier losses. My husband didn’t really understand the depth of the pain I felt - he was supportive but I found it quite lonely as he didn’t feel the same/want to talk about it as much as I did. We had 3 good friends who all had their babies that month and it really deeply hurt. I couldn’t manage to go and meet them. He understood that but didn’t really think much about the due date at all.
I felt quite an unexpected sense of relief on literally the 1st September - not really sure why-but I think I cried a river over August (I was due mid August) and something just shifted in me. Unfortunately I then went straight into some less than successful ivf embryo freezing which really took it out of me. The only advice I have is to take all the time you need/don’t push yourself to do too much if you’re in pain. And horrific as it is-allow yourself the pain. Know you have a right to grieve for as long as you need. We chose to mark the 1st year anniversary rather than our due date as that is what felt right to us and chose a tree to plant-but I don’t think there is any right way to grieve - do whatever feels right to you. And as others have said please do reach out for a chat if you want one-I’m here and understand what it’s likeX
Sending lots of love at this difficult time, I think us women have the dates fixed in our minds a little more than our partners and perhaps feel the need to mark things in a different way. We went away for the due date of our little girl Ellie but we also focused more on the anniversary as above, we took the day off went to the beach and got fish and chips and decided we’d try and do this every year where we could. I also had a TFMR and when I was in hospital I received a lovely memory box with different bits in such as the seeds mentioned above, teddy bears, candles etc. so we also now buy one to donate to the hospital so that it can help other couples going through what we did, it’s our way of carrying on her little memory.Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, just take sometime in whatever form that looks like to you and allow yourself to be however you need to be. Thinking of you, you’re not alone xxx
Sorry for your loss 🌺 it’s hard as you will always think of the child that would have been. I still think of how old my losses would have been, how they might have looked, if they were a boy or girl, especially around their due date or birthday, as I think now as it’s been a few years. Be easy on yourself and take the time to grieve and make peace with what happened even though it is painful and unfair 💖 xx
So sorry for your loss Skittles, I have had two, one was a TFMR and the other was just after birth. It's a really hard time to go through but I can promise you that you won't always feel so raw and in a dark place. You'll always love and miss your beautiful baby girl and wonder what she would be doing/looking like but it won't always be as painful. The love you have for her outshines the grieving feelings. I like the phrase 'a cherished wound' because you start to remember with love not pain. The firsts are hard, I was constantly running through what 'should' have been and it just plain sucks. Often though the run up to the day is worse than the day itself. On the day, do whatever you feel like. If you and your husband want to go for a walk somewhere nice or release some petals into a river (I'm not too keen on balloon releases because I don't think they're too good for wildlife!), plant something nice, eat loads of cake or you might just want to stay in bed and pull the duvet over your head, whatever you feel like doing on the day, go with, there's no right or wrong thing to do. One of my friends buys a birthday card every year which I never thought of doing but nice idea. As an aside, men and women tend to grieve really differently. Women like to surround themselves in memories and remember and men tend to want to look to the future and go forward. He's still grieving your daughter his way but that can really feel like you're on your own through this. Surround yourself with your friends and family who you can talk about her with and feel supported. It's such a hard time for you, hoping you get through it ok xx
Hello love, I am so sorry for your loss. How devastating and heartbreaking 😢 This is something that no mother should ever have to go through. We lost our baby boy in 2019 and not one day passes that I don't think about him. My first due date was incredibly hard and not just the day itself but the days running up to it, which were actually harder. We got some seeds to plant in our garden, but I also have a star-shaped necklace that I always carry with me and we put his ashes inside . We now do something special on his anniversary every year. My husband and I love nature so we try to go for a nice walk and do something nice outdoors. Your little girl will always be in your ❤️ heart. I used to hate it when people kept telling me that time will make us heal. The pain is different now, not so raw, but your child will always be with you in your thoughts and heart. If there is anything I can help you with, please let me know and you can PM me. You are not alone. All my love in this difficult time xxxxxx ❤️ 💕❤️
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I’m so sorry you’re living through this too. I found the whole month of my due date last August horrendous in a way I hadn’t felt to the same degree with other earlier losses. My husband didn’t really understand the depth of the pain I felt - he was supportive but I found it quite lonely as he didn’t feel the same/want to talk about it as much as I did. We had 3 good friends who all had their babies that month and it really deeply hurt. I couldn’t manage to go and meet them. He understood that but didn’t really think much about the due date at all. 
How do you cope with this?
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