Walking through fog

Hi Ladies hoping someone can offer some advice... we had our IVF cycle in July/August which sadly ended in a miscarriage last month. Third miscarriage for me so being referred to recurrent miscarriage clinic for more tests, appointment is end of November.

When the miscarriage happened although I was upset I tried to stay strong and focus on the positives (the IVF worked for us just something wasn't quite right with this one) and I didn't take any time off work as I didn't feel I needed it, the miscarriage was fairly straightforward and didn't need medical intervention unlike my last one where I ended up having to take two weeks off.

I have kept myself busy, treated myself to spa days, a massage every week so doing nice things for myself but over the last week or so I've felt myself changing. I feel numb to most things, have no drive in work anymore and feel like I'm walking through a very thick fog. I feel like I need a massive kick up the ar*e and just don't know how to shake this feeling. Has anyone been here before and have any suggestions on how to pull myself back out of this hole? Xxx

20 Replies

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  • Hey sprinkle,

    Sorry to hear about your miscarriages 😥

    I also had a miscarriage last year at 7 weeks which like you just ended itself and I was able to carry on without taking time off work.

    I would feel OK some days and really rubbish other days. Sometimes I think we have delayed reactions to things that happen? We pick ourselves up and carry on and haven't really allowed ourselves the time to properly griev.

    I think how your feeling is so normal and I know you say you feel like you need a kick up the bum but don't be too hard on yourself! You've been through a lot.

    I can't give you any advice on how to pull yourself out all I can say is its so normal to feel that way and time will heal.

    Take care of yourself and continue pampering yourself. On days when you feel angry or sad allow yourself to.

    Hope you feel better soon xxx

  • Here here Amanda,good advice ☺️ Xxx

  • Thanks Amanda I think there's just been so much going on for us lately, just had a big birthday which made me sad as I always thought I would have had a child by the time I turned 30, and more recently we have been back to court with my stepsons mum over contact as she has withdrawn it (again). I am desperate to go again but hubby says I'm not ready if I'm feeling the way I am xxx

  • Hi Sprinkles86. I've experienced 2 mcs from natural conceptions and 3 rounds of ICSI = 3BFNs. I had recurrent mc screening but it showed up nothing.I've had 2 lots of counselling to help me deal with my emotions of having been through the trauma. These sessions have helped me understand that I was dealing with grief and that my reactions were 'normal'. The sad phase lasted a long time for me but this appears to be a common reaction. We're grieving the loss of the baby, the invasive treatment which most people do not have to go through as well as the loss of our potential future as parents. If counselling isn't for you, isn't available or too costly you could Google the grief cycle or write your thoughts/feelings etc down. Your GP may be able to refer you to counselling or some employers and unions have counselling services. I have a history or depression an anxiety and needed to go back on medication after our first ICSI cycle BFN.

    Be kind to yourself.

  • Thank you for your advice and kind words, I think I will look into some counselling as I feel like I am losing myself and the person I used to be! Positive, enthusiastic, kind.... not gone completely but struggling to hold on to her! Xxx

  • Hi, sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had 3 miscarriages, the last one was in July which I had to have surgical management of miscarriage. I also had 3 unsuccessful IVF and severe endometriosis. I also removed a tube and ovary.

    Your feelings are very normal. In the beginning you are just shocked then the reality kicks in. Just be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal. I am still grieving my miscarriages. Hope you feel better soon.

  • Thank you Yalda it sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot, you are so strong xxx

  • Really sorry you're feeling this way. This is how I feel today it's just horrible. Such an effort to just get through the day. Feel I need to watch as I can differ from depression at times so need to make sure I don't go down that black hole. I was going to make a list of all the things I can do that I couldn't do if pregnant! ! Thought that might help bit I just feel numb xx

  • Thanks katya, so sorry you're feeling low as well, that's how I was feeling too, just numb to everything, I probably wouldn't have cracked a smile if someone told me I'd won the lottery.... xxx

  • Its nice that you are doing nice things to yourself and keep it up. I think this s normal for al of us to think that way after many failures..I felt I was abnormal n never could b happy after I miscarried.I m consulting a psychologist that helps me little bit...she says that its my anxiety......

  • That's so good that you're getting some help with your feelings, I really hope it is helping you. How are you anyway lovely? Did your FET go ahead? Xxx

  • Now I m 5 weeks pregnant with my fet...I hd two embryos 4 cells n 2 cells (degraded from 4 to 2)...I doubt both of them worked n I hv twins bt I don't know til my first scan. I lov having twins...my first scan is on December 8.how r u now?

  • Just from reading what you've been through, I'd say you definitely do not just need a kick up the backside. What you've been through is so hard and you have been so strong. Just know that you are amazing.

    I had some counselling recently regarding infertility and I found it invaluable. It helped me realise how tough this journey is and to acknowledge lots of my feelings as well as giving me some coping strategies. One of the most useful things for me though was just accepting that this was hard and there was no way to power through.

    All the best xx

  • Thank you Spongy, sorry for the late reply, just wanted to say that your words really helped me, accepting that this is hard has allowed me to accept how I'm feeling and that it's ok to not be feeling 100% everyday. Feeling stronger now and ready to keep fighting xxx

  • Hi Sprinkles, I've just seen this post. How are you feeling now? At the beginning of October I felt like you are describing, only I was crying every day and couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. I remember telling my husband that I thought I was losing myself and at the time I couldn't see a way out. I'm not sure what changed but thankfully that fog has lifted now and I'm feeling much more positive again. Talking about it really helped.

    It's so hard and unless you've experienced it you can't understand the heartache and the pain that you feel. I can't imagine going through it 3 times, I think you are amazing to keep going and to keep looking forward and trying again. Sometimes we need to stop and reset ourselves and it sounds like you need some time for yourself right now. Be kind to yourself and remember how strong you are to have got this far. Keep talking about how you feel, it will help to process everything that has happened.

    I hope your appointment at the end of the month goes well and you get some answers and a plan moving forward. Sending lots of love to you x x x

  • Thank you mommabear I'm hoping 2017 is a much better year for both of us! I've gone back to the gym a few times a week which is really helping me as I wasn't feeling too good about the weight gain from IVF and overeating after the miscarriage.... having an absolute nightmare with my stepsons mum at the moment over contact so back in court again soon.... She actually said why don't my husband and I have kids of our own and leave them two alone... couldn't have hurt me much more if she tried xxx

  • Oh my goodness, what a vile thing to say. How awful to have to go through all of that while you're dealing with everything else. I hope there's a positive outcome for everyone soon. It's funny you mention about the gym because I was going to say that I've started running again a couple of times a week and I think it's helped me massively. It's just a chance to get out and stop overthinking about things and afterward you feel much more positive. Keep it up lovely, you will get there. Yes bring on 2017, I feel ready for it now! x x x

  • Yes!!! So glad to hear it and you so deserve a happy ending, you are such a fab support to all the ladies on here! Yes it's helping take my mind off everything and I do feel less stressed afterwards. Are you still going again in January? We might end up testing close-ish together! Xxx

  • Yep - have to contact the clinic when AF comes at the end of December and then we're on our way again! Should start jabs mid January (around the time of my birthday) and EC will be the same week that my due date would have been so I'm hoping I can hold it together. I'm also hoping that this is a good sign. Keep in touch lovely, we'll be through this together. Come on 2017! haha x x x

  • That will be such an emotional time for you, I am sure that is a good sign though!! Yes I definitely will, I am so ready for this now, just need some answers from mc clinic next week, will keep you updated xxxx