few questions

[veronica1]

Everyone, need a piece of advice or like a cheering word from you.

Gonna undergo tx very soon (egg donor ivf). Don’t know how to be. We’r living now in Berlin, my dh is deutch im American. Don’t know if it matters or not. I am 34, my dh is 45. I was diagnosed with unexplained type of infertility and we underwent 4 att on my own eggs. All failed. Now I ddon’t know if it’s a good idea to go for a tx in another country. If you know in Germany its forbidden by law to have ivf treat on de and that’s all what wer opting for now. The thing is I need to know if in other country I will feel comfortable and all.

1. do I get to choose the donor?

2. can I meet the donor at all?

3. how much did you pay for your tx if you had one? (Im looking for some options and don’t actually understand the prices, I mean, if it’s ok for tx to cost like this or not?)

4. what kind of medications do I have to buy, I mean, if I sign with a clinic abroad are they prescribing the same meds as everywhere, can I buy them at home?

That’s all I have for now. Would appreciate your replies. Thnx

[michaelgorik]

Hello! I see that you are really young to have your treatment on donor’s eggs, that’s really sad!! I hope that you succeed and maybe in some future you will have your own kids without any reproductive help!

I haven’t had any tx and can’t actually answer your questions, but I hope that there are people who will help you decide.

Good luck.

[veronica1 in reply to michaelgorik]

Thanks. I rlly appreciate this, don’t worry I am sure I can get a piece of advice here though. But I highly doubt that I will get to be a real mother. I need help and Im not ashamed of it.

[michaelgorik in reply to veronica1]

A real mother? Don’t you think that you won’t be a mother if you get pregnant with the fertility treatment? I mean, you will still be carrying the baby and all. Or what did you mean? Is there any problems for you that make you think so? Because I know that lots of women are getting their minds blown up when thinking about how to treat the baby they have gotten through ivf de or surrogacy. I mean, there is nothing to think about for me, just the baby is yours no matter what. There is nothing that I would call an issue at all. I think the real mother is the one who don’t leave her child and who spends all of her time on raising her kid well. And you can be a mother for anyone, the genetic relation does not matter here imo.

[veronica1 in reply to michaelgorik]

Hmm… but how are you supposed to think about a child that are not yours biologically? I support your position on that the real mother is the one who raises the child but she has no connection with him whatsoever and can’t call herself a 100% mom. Pregnancy in my opinion doesn’t make you a mom in the fullest meaning of this word. You have to be healthy and everything and have to produce eggs that can be fertilized and only than you will gain the right to be a mother. That’s all what I can say.

[michaelgorik in reply to veronica1]

There is a problem with it though, but I really don’t agree with you, I think that you are completely wrong. I am as a gay man will be using surrogacy option to get a baby, my dh and I we are now looking for a surro mom and we will be paying a lot to undergo the tx in US. I am saying this just so you understand that I will consider myself as a dad, even though we will be using the sperm of my hubby. I think that it is very important to raise your kid well and only after you give everything to your child you can call yourself a parent. Just think about those parents that leave their kids in orphanages and refuse to take care of them at all. Do they have the right to call themselves mothers and fathers at all?

[tinamon3]

I know that you want to know how it works for everyone and ideally you want us to advise you the perfect option, but you are asking us questions as if all of the clinics were the same. I can tell only from my experience and only from the point oof view of a client of the clinic I am about to undergo my tx in. If it suits you, I would be glad to tell you how it will be for me.

Hope you get what you want!xx

[veronica1 in reply to tinamon3]

I would like to hear from you how it was working at your clinic though, it’s not like I don’t understand that every clinic is different and has its own rules and has to follow laws of the country it is located in. I know I know. If you can say where did you get you tx done and all, I would be really glad. Thanks!

[veronica1]

Thanks for the information! But I am seriously interested in price ranges. How much did you pay for your treatment and what kind of the contract did you sign? Sorry if I seem to be rude.

Also.. you had to pay for the meds at the clinic or what? I mean, why did you buy the meds that you can’t buy anywhere else when they could’ve just give you the list of the common fertility medications?

[oocy11]

This is a downer that you have to go internationally. I don’t get this law system at all, they just make their own citizens travel all over the world and get the babies in the clinics no one can trust. Like what is the point of sending females in other countries just for them getting pregnant. Is it that hard to allow egg donor ivf esp in the country with highly praised medicine??

I would’ve been so scared if it was me to go for the tx abroad.. I am still on my second funded att and I hope I get bfp.

[veronica1 in reply to oocy11]

I myself think that this law is outdated but it is what it is. Reading about the reasoning behind all of that makes me kind of understand why they did so though. They say it is so the mother would be fully responsible for the child she bears and she has a lot stronger connection with the child that its father so they allow sperm donation and all.

Yep.

[nn7877 in reply to veronica1]

There are more to this though, I recommend you to read some articles about the egg donation fertility treatment prohibition on the internet so you could make your own opinion on this. It’s now like all of this is for nothing, the government do care about you when they forbid you having ivf on donor’s eggs. You just have to understand that.

[veronica1 in reply to nn7877]

Yeah I do. I do understand that in the times like that they leave us women with inability to have kids alone and give us no other chance of getting babies but ivf on our own eggs. That’s just terrible why should I be that pressured when it’s all about my body and my decisions! It is so freaking upsetting.. I mean.

[veronica1]

Wait do you want to tell that for 5k I would be getting the tx with the pills included? I mean, isn’t it too cheap? And I still can get to choose the donor? It’s a bit upsetting though that I can’t meet the girl, because I would like to know her better to be honest.

If they have this contract for 5 attempts why even bother creating two previous ones? I mean, if I was choosing the type of the contract to sign I would def stick with the last one..

[veronica1]

Where did you get your tx?

[michaelgorik]

Hm… I don’t think so.. How will they even do that, I mean it will obviously be the kid of one of us, not the two of us though..

[veronica1 in reply to michaelgorik]

I have heard of this story n youtube where a gay couple used egg cells of the sister of one of them and the baby was like genetically connected to both of the parents.

[babyboyuk]

In Ukraine? Where is it? It’s not in EU why didn’t you opt for the clinics that are in EU? The difference between medical services is huge and you still chose Ukraine? I mean, it is very risky to be quite honest.. And I have heard that there’s war going on..

[lovecrat]

Why wouldn’t you get the ivf tx in America? If you are American I suppose it;d be more comfortable for you!

You also can be sure that in US you will get medical services of the highest quality.

Why are you looking at other clinics when you have this opportunity before you? if I was you I would go for the treatment in US.

[veronica1 in reply to lovecrat]

I get what you are taking abt but the prices this is what I ve been thinking a lot lately I don’t think we can afford the tx in us so I must look for something else, I heard that in Europe there are a lot of fertility clinics where tx costs a lot less than it could in us. So I am opting for the tx in Europe or elsewhere more than In us though I can’t agree with you more on it. The quality of the tx in us is really high. In us I know though that you can’t meet the donor if she wants to stay anonymous you can send your donor requirements to your dr and she or he will choose the perfect one for you but I want to be responsible for choosing a donor myself… also I know that I would have to spend more money on pills etc

[veronica1]

Hmm. You are saying that they supply you with lots of different things, like accommodation and everything like it? Is it really true, are they doing it for everyone though?

[obsessedwithmygrlz]

But why do you even need to choose a donor? Wouldn’t it be better if you just leave it to the doctors and they will match a girl basing on your phenotype? Doctors do know better what you need though.

[veronica1 in reply to obsessedwithmygrlz]

I actually don't think so.. I mean.. I would want to have a chance to choose my own donor, to see what she looks like and if she is as beautiful as I want her to be. Because my kid should be very pretty if not I will sue the clinic if they won't give me what I want!

[obsessedwithmygrlz in reply to veronica1]

But can you just respect the donors? They are the ones who give you the chance to get pregnant to become a mother! They are all different and I don't think that we should try and choose out of them the best or the worst looking. Maybe you need to appreciate their desire to donate their egg cells more.

[veronica1 in reply to obsessedwithmygrlz]

I consider myself pretty and I want my child to be also as pretty as I am. If I can choose the donor I would like to choose the one with prefect features as my dh and i both have them. and I want to pay for the services of the great quality. And also I need to know that the donor is not someone I don't support morally, because if she is of a low morals I will immediately demand to change her or to stop the treatment.

[obsessedwithmygrlz in reply to veronica1]

I don’t think that women who donate their egg cells can have low morals; I think they are better than the majority of living people and they prove this by helping someone like us. And how would you know how your donor looks like or how she comports herself if you are not going to be able to meet her personally? I mean, what can you tell with just a simple photo? And in some clinics you won’t even get a chance to see your donor at all, even on the photo.

[veronica1 in reply to obsessedwithmygrlz]

now as i am in the treatment, i can't agree with you more

i started developing some kind of manager-client relationship with ukrainian manager-girl. in this clinic I signed with. and she was so honest with me when we were talking about the donors, I have asked her if the donors are real and if they are the ones that I am choosing that donate their eggs. and she responded with such a full and thoughtful reply that they are definitely the donors I choose to have eggs from, they will undergo a lot of examinations and only the best one will be donating her eggs. and for now as I am on the final stage of my stimulation I can be 100 percent sure that the girl that will be donating her eggs is the one I have dreamt of ever since I discovered that I need fertility help. I even have her photo with her child on her lap. how cute.

[bethany2 in reply to veronica1]

oh you have a photo of your donor? this is so nice.. Have you met her yet?

[veronica1 in reply to bethany2]

yes, I saved those photos that were in the database and then I asked if the manager had more. But no, clinic kind of restricts IPs meeting the donor. which is sad but understandable.

[serlorera in reply to veronica1]

hi. why that clinic has such restrictions? it's nonsense as for me. if i can see her photo then it means this donor isn't anonymous so why can't i just come and see her? if clinic forbids then i can do it without any help, why not?

[bethany2 in reply to veronica1]

same here. but i never thought of asking our manager if she had other photos.. i am going to do so right now!

thanks for the idea haha

PS my clinic also restricts meeting the surro mother till 12 weeks of the pregnancy

[veronica1 in reply to bethany2]

and? did she send you the photos? what did she tell you? because to be honest i had to ask her like 3 times to send me those photos, we had the conversation and she was very busy those days I guess so i was reminding her of it constantly till I got the photos

yeah, mine too

[bethany2 in reply to veronica1]

yes, she did, maybe the manager was too busy she couldn't find the time to send you the photos? you know the last time i was in the clinic, my coordinator was running all over the clinic because she had 3 different couples waiting for her. and she gave us a really good consultation to be quite honest, we were left to read all of the contract no one was asking us to hurry up. but i think it was us who did not have a lot to do but not our manager though, plus she totally had to call the donor or someone?

[veronica1]

Yeah, in my clinic that I have contacted for my future treatment, they provide you with this contract that is translated into English and has Ukrainian part in it. and it is like states every single thing you are going to experience or pay for. nothing more or less than that. even if you don't want to have pgd test this will be stated in the contract with the estimated price which is very nice i have to admit.

plus on top of that my clinic makes sure that I won't be lost as I am always using their cars and drivers to get from one part of the city to another.

[mannamay]

Hello Veronica! Sorry you need to have ivf for being a mom. Answering your questions:

1. in my clinic I could choose a donor, up to 10 women from their database, but the final decision is made by doctors, they choose the most suitable among others.

2. no, you can't, she's anonym

3. I had package for 1-2 attempts and it's price is €6.9k.

4. meds are commonly used but you don't need to buy them as they are included in your tx.

moreover, in my clinic, accommodation, alimantation, transfer, interpreter, consulatation, med examinations are also included so it's not that inconvenient to have ivf abroad.

[veronica1 in reply to mannamay]

thank you for answering my questions even though it is a bit too late i have already decided on the clinic I chose and started the treatment

but it is very interesting because my clinic has the same options and offers as your points.

and of course i have already discovered how great it can be to go abroad if someone actually is willing to take care of you..

Thank you again!!

[bethany2]

Yes? Oh thats nice hopefully you received kice news? When is your next major step in the treatment happening?

Xx