Feeling Hopeless

Still trying to decide between Spain and UK for 2nd and last attempt with my very small egg reserve!! All feels a bit hopeless now looking at some of the top performing clinics in London cannot list success rates for women over 43, because there are none. I will be 45 in January. Am I kidding myself and completely wasting my time holding on to this small thread of hope?

22 Replies

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  • I know this isn't going to help but of all the studies that I've read and what my clinic said - I don't think you will find a clinic in the UK that will treat women over the age of 44. Sadly, and I'm in the same boat - the odds are very low. I know it isn't what you want to hear.

    What about having a go with donor eggs? I know it's a hard decision but it would save you a lot of money. If you find one though, please let me know!

    It's such a painful thing to go through xx

  • I know, Ive been reading lots of forums where ladies have said with hindsight they wished theyd not spent so much time & money keep trying with own eggs. I am just finding it so hard to accept. I wonder if maybe I dont want motherhood enough if it cant be on my terms as everyone else seems to be able to get their heads around it so y cant i? its driving me crazy!

  • Firstly, I feel the same way and am also struggling to get my head around it too. Everywhere I look, I see children!

    It is a really difficult thing to endure, in my mind I think - I'm just putting it on hold and want to try again.

    I guess when we go through this, we think there is always another time so we are still holding out some hope. I will be surprised if you can find a UK clinic that will treat you with your own eggs - I may be wrong and please tell me if I am but that is what I've found.

    So say you couldn't use your own eggs - would you try with a donor egg or adoption? May be these questions you need to think about.

    I will write soon, I'm always here if you need a chat xx

  • It's so difficult isn't it? My partner won't discuss adoption (no babies for my age group anyway so I've been told) but I would happily adopt rather than go thru fertility treatment. He feels uncomfortable with donor that the child isn't genetically mine -v hard for me to get comfortable about it if he's not!

    Sometimes I think then let's just leave it-I think we r happy enuf but then I see something on TV about families or my friends tell me a kid related story & I think I want that

    Some decisions need to be made tho

    Thanks for your support Hun x

  • Yes - it's a really hard situation for us to be in. I contacted my adoption agency a while ago and they said, you probably wouldn't get a baby, more like a 3+ year old. For me that's difficult, as I can't afford to rent a 2 bed flat at £700 and not work because I'm taking my child to school. I'm not sure if you can get an allowance though.

    You do have your partner though, that's where I get rather lonely as I've got no one really. That's partly the reason why I wanted a child so that I would have my own family at least.

    Let me know what you decide.

    If it helps I will PM you my mobile number - having someone else that understands might help. i totally get how you feel x

  • Completely get it, I know I'm lucky to have him but cos he's not a 'talker' I still feel a bit alone.i think we all have similar reasons for wanting our own family-I'm an only child & not close to any of my family, my parents aren't getting any younger & live abroad anyway.my boyfriends family r fab but relationships can end so I feel at some point I could b completely alone!

    Yes would be lovely to chat.we r away this weekend but next week?

  • You aren't alone but I know that isn't going to make you feel any better.

    I've been wanting to go away for a while, to try and clear my head but organised holidays are so expensive on your own and the cheaper ones, it would just be me on my own which I struggle with sometimes anyway.

    You can text if you prefer x

  • Oh we aren't away as such-I'm house/dog sitting.but it is nice to be somewhere else even if it is still in damp miserable uk!x

  • Sun is out today though! Winter is approaching though! x

  • I'm 38. We had a failed icsi cycle in august. It was our first cycle but we only got 1 egg so my husband and I have both made the choice to go to donor eggs. I could try to persevere with my own eggs I have dhea I could take but I just want to be a mum now. The thought of waiting another few years makes me feel ill so we may be have given up too early. But going with my gut. Sometimes I think that's all you can do!!xx

  • Ah Katya, I understand how u feel about your failed cycle - we only had 1 cycle and no eggs at all. We feel a bit though that concentrating on one follicle was not the protocol we would have chosen had we had the choice. I have been taking DHEA for 4 months now in the hope of a miracle but we know its a big & expensive gamble. You are naturally desperate to be a mum and I thought I was but this is now y im questionning myself, would i not go straight ahead with the most viable option if i wanted it that much? Y am I waivering? This is my concern, is my gut saying dont do it at all?

    If its not too personal, can I ask how you and your partner got your heads around the donor egg decision or has it never really been an issue. My partner is struggling with it too even though genetically the baby would be his - I think his doubts are making it much harder for me as if i was confident he was really wanting this, I would do whatever to give him a baby x

  • Katya, can I ask also if you are doing this in the uk or abroad?

    either way, i wish u the best of luck. Im truly envious that you know what you want and are going for it x

  • We re going for a clinic in greece I think although no definite but success rate and cost seems better there. Just feel at 39 in march we don't really gave time. As soon as my cycle failed in august we wanted to make the next decision although not booked it yet. It's such a difficult decision had no idea the world of infertility was so complex!!xx

  • My friend went to Greece & it worked for her at 43!! She found it very efficient & calm there x

  • My husband would be the genetic father and he is fine with it. I'm actually ok with it. Am hoping when we do it it suddenly won't hit me. I've always wanted to adopt and am very maternal. So I've always known I could love a child that wasn't mine. We've been for counselling have you considered that? Xx

  • My partner seems to be uncomfortable that I won't have that genetic link. I don't know whether he's saying that as he thinks it's not fair to me. IM worried that if we don't have children although he's fine now, he will regret it down the road. I feel like u, I always wanted to adopt-that to me would be the answer but my partner will not consider this at all and now this far down the line I'm too old to get a baby thru adoption anyway.

    As so many people say to me, I don't think any woman that has achieved pregnancy with donor eggs has ever regretted it -I think as soon as u know u r pregnant, that baby is yours so I don't think you need to worry! See I can see it for other people so I don't know y I can't get my head round it for me!! Lol!!

    X

  • I suppose you've just got to think yes donor eggs isn't ideal but at least you could get a baby out of it. If you're too old to adopt it could be your only option. If you go abroad it's totally annoymous too x

  • Yes that's very true. Somehow need to get my boyfriend to have a totally honest conversation with me about how he feels x

  • Yes I maybe wouldn't hold off too long. I guess once you get your head round it it might be easier to convince your partner. I have read that with donor eggs they also have a small bit of the mother who's carried its dna xx

  • Yes I read that to & thats quite nice to know they get a bit of us x

  • Hey

    I understood going private the age wasn't so strict.

    Don't give up.

    If you try and it doesn't work, you've tried.

    Wishing you all theluck in the world🙏

  • Hi Miraclebeliever

    uk clinics all stop at 45 i think but theres only one which shows any success rates for over 45 and from looking at feed onfertility friends, the prices are extortionate ...up to £24k on one attempt! they do have great results but thats a hefty gamble and would leave us with nothing to try again if it failed.

    my originaL clinic have agreed to do a free telephone consultation just so I can get a feel of whether i can count on them really going for it with me if we try again. The co ordinator that was speaking to a spanish clinic for me isnt responding to my emails at the moment so im stuck at this point waiting on people.

    I think I do need to try once more to be able to let the idea go as on my 1st attempt we had no eggs so felt like I didnt get a fair shot. I would have been able to move on much easier if they had got some eggs but they were all poor - its more tangible to me.

    Thank you for your lucky wishes x

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