divorcing in the middle of egg donation surrogacy

don't know where to go with this problem... i think my husband is cheating on me.. I have seen messages in his cellphone from another woman, I know I know that you may see that as something bad but I was suspecting it for a while and... now I think it is what I think it is. I thought I might talk to him but what if it is true.. what if he is cheating on me.. what to do?? basically everything is ruined!!!

sorry if this is not a common theme on this forum but I honestly don't know where else I can get advice... we are currently in the middle of our surrogacy program and it makes everything even worse. we always wanted to have a child, but I am infertile due to multiple m/c I had. and it was like the only thing we could do to achieve pregnancy. our clinic is in Ukraine, the law system over there is somehow ridiculous because kids will only belong to their father, because he is their only biological parent.

the documents will be performed with my husband's name and it is the biggest problem now. the surrogate mother is on 25 week now, I felt so happy till yesterday morning and now I am broken...

Help

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  • Oh my god I am so sorry but here is my advice do not be so quick to judge I am sure that your first thought might be wrong and your husband is just working on something. obviously I do not know the background to this story but I would rather talk to him than take those conclusions and cry about it. you really have to make it all clear. and on top of that I do not understand how can a man go for a surrogacy that is very expensive and hard regarding the documentation and other stuff

    I wish you the best and I am really sorry that you have found yourself in this situation... hopefully you will resolve it soon!

  • everything is still bad.. I can't even describe to you how awful the things are.

    like i haven't spoken to my husband about this issue and it has been 12 days as the post's days counter shows and it is still an undecided issue that i have to deal with, we have been receiving a lot of messages from our manager at the clinic, and at the times when I have to feel good, like when the us pictures are being sent and we see that our baby is fine and healthy and I know that i should feel fine but I can't, every morning i wake up to this face of a lying man who has been cheating on me for i do not know how long, but i suppose it's been months already and it surely does not make me feel good by any means!

    thank you so much for your wishing, they assuage me but not really i hope you understand.

    still thinking about the divorce.

  • the best thing to do is to talk to your husband and make everything clear..

    i can understand how awful you must be feeling yourself but you have to do that because you are just torturing yourself...

    it's great that your manager keeps updating you on what's been going on with your surrogate mother and a child.. to talk about the management, i have been to ukrainian clinic too, they all were very nice over there so you are lucky to have that kind of a service because not all of us get what we want and you could've even struggle with receiving updates and that could make you even more nervous. hopeful they do their work.

    here is my advice and i think that deeply in your heart you understand that there is no other option rather to talk to that man and resolve everything in a simple conversation.

  • i did talk to him and the news are we do not live together anymore but i was "lucky" to have him said that he will be there till the program is over, he won't be staying in Kiev with the baby waiting till the docs are obtained but he will fly over there when we will need him. that were his words, it sounds fine but i don’t really believe him

    don't know what to do with all of that, i feel hopeless

    maybe i just should leave everything like it is and give him a divorce right now..?

    but again how will he take the baby without being married? maybe he is doing all of that just because he knows that he needs me to take the baby and after the delivery he will battle in court over the child and he will prove that he is the only biological parent to the child... oh my god... this is insane... i don't want to live anymore..

  • really? this is unbelievable and really kind of sad

    i can really think of your relationship to end like that and in the middle of the surrogacy program.

    do you really believe him? i mean of course it is the best what you could expect from this situation but still it is very unfortunate

    did you tell that to your manager at the clinic?

    I am here for you

    do not worry!

  • I think you have to face the demon question at the back of your mind, so that you can know one way or another and work out if there's a way you can work through this no matter what the answer he gives back is.

    You need to feel secure and able to trust. Big hugs xx

  • thank you

    i just think that i can't

    still hasn't had a conversation with him, it's been 2 weeks since i discovered the truth

    to be honest, i feel like running away, it's just too much of a responsibility... i am broken, every single news that keeps popping up every week almost about our baby makes things even worse. i remember how happy i was when we first saw the us picture of the baby, but for now... it all became like hell.

    xoxo

  • I am not going to ask you about how you understood that he is unfaithful with you I will just say that ni matter what you choose there is going to be a person who will support you always. I think that you need to know that. and at least stay calm or become calm. this is very important though if you say that in the clinic it is impossible to take the baby without your husband then maybe you should wait? i know it may sound like a bad advice but for real how do you plan to get a baby if you leave your husband and yes, it is very shocking that he would cheat on you in the middle of the surrogacy process.

    how did you come up with having a baby through surrogacy and embryo donation?

  • you know it is a dilemma, a huge one. because i can't just leave him and say that the baby is mine and i will take it. no, i have no genetic connection to the baby that keeps growing inside of a belly of the surrogate mother. i think o, i think that i should wait before we have all of the documents confirming my relation to a child as his own mother and right after that i will start the process. for now i think that it is impossible for me to leave him because that would ruin everything. it is very rational and i can understand that, but as i am a human being, a woman with my feelings, emotions, i have a heart and it says that i should divorce this man. or at least i should just talk to him... maybe he will understand (oh this sounds so awful because i hate him and at the same moment i try to see him as a decent human being...)

    i just have issues in this department you know, can't carry a child and can't have it on my own, because my hormone levels are low and ovarian reserve was never that empty.. and in before when i was sitting with all of my past m/c i didn't knew that there is even the possibility of me.. of us having kids artificially with the help pf a reproductive center. i just wanted kids so badly and when my husband said that we can try embryo donation and surrogacy (because our doctor said so). i was really happy but i guess it was so stressful that it changed him that much... so he had to find another woman.

  • there is not much that i can say.. for now, there is something you should find out and if you don't do that you might as well forget about your doubts and forget about his unfaithfulness.

    i can imagine how hard it must be to go for it and try and talk to him, but it seems to be the best option out there. plus of course you should study all legal issues and prepare yourself for everything.

    i believe that it can be some kind of misunderstanding from your part... hopefully it is.

    but as I am having the baby from ukrainian clinic too (to be more precise from biotexcom) I know that they don't accept couples that are not married into surrogacy programs because it is impossible to perform a birth certificate once the baby is born. and this is an issue, but maybe you can contact the clinic on your own and try to talk about it to your manager???

    i can't understand how could a person that was all for starting the surrogacy treatment cheat on his own wife right in the middle of the program??? wow I guess there are still things that can surprise me..

  • got some news. had a conversation with him yesterday, he admitted to it, he said that he started seeing this woman a month ago and he thought about divorcing me...

    i asked him about our kid he said that he will be there to obtain all of the documents and will give the baby to be raised by me when we get the divorce.

    now he is packing to move to another apartment

    i am trying to not think about it because it is awful

    i am heartbroken

  • i am so sorry why haven't i seen this message earlier???

    if he did so really it makes him less evil in my eyes, of course we do not get to know his intentions before he makes his next step but maybe there is a reason to sign with him a contract like a marriage one, or this is too late?? like if you sign it thus will mean that all of those you signed for will be totally yours and you will have a proof to show in court if something goes wrong

    i am sorry i have no legit knowledge in this but if something i said makes any sense i would be glad

    I wish you all of the best and what do you plan to do next?

  • Hello! it's a weird coincidence but i read almost similar post on another forum. A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her and moreover his mistress was pregnant. They were also in the middle of de surrogacy, and she didn't know what to do. Girls gave her different advices, some told her to be silent, and to pretend nothing happend untill the baby is born, the others advised her to leave that piece of sh*t immediately...I don't know what is better to do in such situation, as no one actually does, except you. it's up to you to decide, what do you want more? a baby or to lose your man or to save your marriage. There is always a chance that you misunderstood smthing, you know like in movies we often see cases of miscommunication. we here can only support your every decision but you have to make it on your own, it's my position.

    wish you luck and hope that it was a mistake x

  • thank you

    i don't think that i want to be married to a man who cheated on me and i am 100 percent sure that he did so, those messages were undeniable.

    such an awful thing to discover

    i am sitting here right now after a week of a hard work, of stupid attempts to forget what i have found. why i even tried i don't know.. i don't have any doubts that he is a cheater

    hopefully i will have an opportunity to talk to him, but i really do not want to

  • So sorry for your situation. Life is cruel how it can change in a day like that but these complex things happen- don't blame yourself as you didn't imagine this could happen.

    Here is what I think I'd do:

    Read as much as you can about the terms and conditions and try to find examples of what happens when couples split up who are going through this process- the more informed you are the better.

    Talk to your partner. Listen to him but don't let him talk you round if deep down you know the truth. Don't let him guilt trip you about checking the messages. If it's not something you've done before I think it's normal behaviour when someone has real grounds for suspicion.

    Spend some time thinking about different possibile outcomes and how each one makes you feel. Again talk them through with your partner. Judging by his behaviour, if he has cheated, maybe he can't take the responsibility and it would be you that would look after the child anyway. Or maybe if he is remorseful he could do some counselling to work out what made him do this at such a time and make sure it never happens again.

    My take on it children can thrive in any kind of arrangement provided there is lots of love and care for them and some kind of structure. Their parents don't have to be their biological parents or in a romantic relationship with each other.

    Sorry if this isn't helpful. Sending hugs and I really hope it works out as you've been through so much and deserve happiness xx

  • the thing is.. the most awful thing is

    that he is the only one that can take the baby out of all the people involved into the surrogacy process. i am not kidding, i know that for sure. i was told that multiple times by my manager. she said that if we do not come to take the baby, the surrogate mother has no rights to have it, the baby would be taken to the orphanage and as far as i know the orphanages in Ukraine are not in their best state. Like for real. I am not sure that i want the child to stay there or to my husband to take him.

    it was the main reason we decided to sign with the clinic in Ukraine, because surrogate moms have no rights on the child and they can't take him with them even if they want so, like it happens in US. i feel trapped.

    thank you for your advices, i know that I need to talk to my husband and i will definitely get a divorce but it has to be done thoughtfully.

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You may wish to seek legal advice about how to proceed. You could get in contact with Natalie Gamble Associates who are experts in Fertility Law. nataliegambleassociates.co.uk/

  • THANK YOU! I think I am going to start consultation with legal authorities on how to get a proper divorce

    but there still has not been much progress in our relationship apart from the baby's growth! and it breaks my heart honestly..

  • Wishing you the very best of luck xx

  • thank you i will need that

    we will be getting a divorce when the child is born and has all of the documents.

    after that we will part our ways

    forever

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