Heartbroken 💔😢

[Sam101]

Well our test day arrived and even though i have felt fine we had 3 bfn. Im heartbroken. I honestly thought this was the one, our little miracle. Obviously my body was just playing an evil trick on me. I dont know how much more i can take. I want a baby so badly now its killing me x

[Hidden]

Oh Sam, I'm so sorry. This process is a killer. It totally messes with your mind. I really hope that one day it is all worth it. I'm hanging onto the girls who have got their bfp praying one day it'll be my turn😥

Sending you a massive hug, you will get through this little by little.

[Sam101 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you miraclebeliever. It is a killer and this being our 5th failure has just finished me off. I just wish i knew why it kept happening. There is no justice in the world 😢 xx

[Georgina78]

Oh Sam I'm so sorry, gutted for you 😔 I also felt this one was our miracle, it's devastating isn't it. I know what you mean about your body playing tricks, I had what I thought were symptoms. It's so cruel. What's next for you? Obviously it's very raw so don't rush into any decisions. We're considering having the NK cells test as I'm concerned something is preventing it when they're such good quality embies.

Big hugs to you, do what you need to do to comfort each other and try to feel a little better. Thinking of you xx

[Sam101 in reply to Georgina78]

Thank you georgina. I just wish i could find out why we are on our5th go and still nothing. The doctor gave me steroids this time incase i do have nk cells as i dont think they test for them on the nhs. I think thsts why I felt more relaxed this time as i was on a combination of meds that should have hopefully worked.

I feel like a part of me has died as its really affecting me this time as i had no clue. Its so hard over and over seeing those 2 words again and again, not pregnant. Its the worst thing in the world. Now have to wait for af which will prob be a whammy of one to after all my drugs. Joy!! Xx

[Georgina78 in reply to Sam101]

I understand Hun, the despair of doing everything you can then still seeing that bfn, and having no answer as to why, it's truly devastating. And I haven't been through it as much as you, you really deserve your miracle 😔 I wish there were more I could say, huge hugs to you xxx

[Sam101 in reply to Georgina78]

That is the correct word, devastating. Unless you have been in this situation no one really understands how it feels i dont think. Im lucky in that i have a very supportive husband and parents. Its times like these you find out who your friends truely are im finding there are not many people in work with me that really care. It will be hard to go back tomorrow and have to put on a brave face. Thank you georgina xx

[Daisy-Mae]

Oh Sam you are right when you say there is no justice in the world. I am so so sorry to hear it was a negative result. I know there is nothing anybody can say to help but please know we are here for you and sending love and strength. Xxx

[Sam101 in reply to Daisy-Mae]

Thank you daisy-mae i appreciate it.

[MommaBear16]

I'm so sorry Sam, you're right it's not fair at all. You've been so amazing to keep going and this round all seemed so positive. Give yourself time to recover before taking next steps. I truly hope this isn't the end of the road for you, stay strong x x x

[Sam101 in reply to MommaBear16]

Thank you mommabear. At the moment i dont feel like i will recover, i feel like an empty shell. My hubie has been amazing im so lucky to have him for support. We have talked about looking into adoption and saving our last frozen embryo until after we have a new little person in our life. It would take the pressure off but i just want to be pregnant now xx

[MommaBear16 in reply to Sam101]

I understand that feeling, it's perfectly natural to feel that way. I wish there was something I could say to help but you will get stronger again after the grief for the end of this cycle has passed. Adoption sounds like a wonderful way to start your family. Sending love x x x

[Sam101 in reply to MommaBear16]

It does but i know i will be thinking should we just go for our last embryo now and see if we are lucky and if not then start adoption? ? I just wish we could start the adoption process whilst we finish off our ivf that would make our lives much easier xx

[MommaBear16 in reply to Sam101]

Do you have to wait a long time before you can start the adoption process following IVF? Feels like there's always obstacles in our way isn't there x x x

[Sam101 in reply to MommaBear16]

If you have finished ivf i think you can get cracking but they wont do them both the same time as if you get pregnant you may then decide that you dont want to continue with adoption. I just wish there was a way around it xx

[City74]

Sam I am so sorry to read this. It really isn't fair. Sending you best wishes for the future. xx

[Sam101 in reply to City74]

Thank you city74 x

[katiemiller94]

No one should have to go through this, life is very unfair but i think your amazing the fact that your still standing after all this heart ache, dont give up hope yet, sending so much love xxxxxxx

[Sam101 in reply to katiemiller94]

Thank you katie. Im at the point now where i dont know if i can go on. Its taken so much out of me this time. Xx

[katiemiller94]

Only you will know whats the next step to take, maybe you need some time to recover from all of this heart ache to give yourself the best chance for your last frozen embryo xxxxx

[Sam101 in reply to katiemiller94]

I just dont know what to do for the best to be honest. Xx

[Hollibob]

I'm so sorry.

Its not fair that you are having to go through this pain again!!

I was only saying to someone the other day, all we want to do is have and love a child with all our heart, why is it so unfair to the people that can offer that love and for those that don't care just pop them out??!!

Look after yourself x

[Sam101 in reply to Hollibob]

Thank you hollibob. It isnt fair, what some people see as the simplest thing in the world we just cant seem to get our hands on. How is this fair? ? It drives me mad!! Xx

[pm27]

I'm really sorry, it's not fair. We had 3 BFNs from 3 rounds of ICSI and no frosties. No real explanation for the failures. 3 BFNs was enough for me. You have got a frostie waiting for you but only you can decide when is the best time to try for FET. I think that adoption agencies would suggest you wait a while before starting the process but you could have an informal chat to find out basic details like how long does it take. I have heard that you're more likely to get a baby if you go along the foster to adopt route but that might just be in my geographical area.

[Sam101 in reply to pm27]

I dont want to wait i just want to get things moving again. We did look into fostering but the thought of having a child for a few years then having to give them to someone else would break my heart. I want my own baby that will be mine and stay mine. I hate my life right now xx

[pm27 in reply to Sam101]

I understand your pain and need to get going. In my local area you can foster the baby/child whilst the adoption goes through so you won't have to give up the child. Otherwise tend to get matched with an older child not a baby. Worth asking if this is an option?

Have you had any counselling to cope with the pain & grief?

I wish you all the best.

[Sam101 in reply to pm27]

Thanks pm27. No not had any counselling as i know work wouldnt be too happy with me taking more time off to be honest, they werent happy with me being off the last 2 weeks. We will definately ask about the whole foster yo adoption as i would much prefer a baby as its the closest we will get to having our own. Thanks for giving me the info. Have you gone through adoption or anything yourself? Xx

[pm27 in reply to Sam101]

No we haven't gone through fostering or adoption. My manage was talking about 2 sets of friends who have been matched or about to be so she had lots if upto date info.

I requested counselling through my employers in May and have just started it. NHS counselling waiting lists are even longer so unless you can afford to pay for it privately it's unlikely to happen quickly.

[Sam101 in reply to pm27]

I think i heard they try and get the process done asap but it can take about 10 months to go through. We will def ask about it though as that would be fab.

I dont get counselling from work so there is no point me going on an nhs waiting list. I will just sort myself out as usual. X

[Cinderella5]

Sorry to hear your sad news! This journey is cruel and so diffcult! Look after yourself xx

[Sam101 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you cinderella5 xx

[katya38]

Have you had your period yet? Might be worth waiting a few days and repeating the teat x

[Sam101 in reply to katya38]

No not had my period thats the main reason i thought we were lucky this time as every other time i have had my period. X

[katya38 in reply to Sam101]

Well you never know!x

[LHow81]

So sorry to read Sam

X

[Sam101 in reply to LHow81]

Thank you lhow81 x