Finally feeling normal again

Hi All,

I haven't posted for a while but thought I would just let you all know how I'm doing. Some of you may remember that I had a chemical pregnancy a few weeks ago. I was OK for a week or two before having a complete meltdown - panic attacks at work, the lot (I'm a teacher so this was not good!) My Head of Department made me go to the doctor, even though I did not think they could do anything for me except sign me off work which I didn't want. However, I spoke to the most lovely doctor who reassured me that I wasn't a complete loony tune and that what was happening to me was normal after having been through so much physically and emotionally. He pointed me in the direction of mindfulness; a buddhist technique that cognitive behavioural therapy is based on, and since day 1 of meditating I have been so, so much better. That weekend, hubby and I went and stayed in a shepherd's hut on our own in a Cornish field on Bodmin Moor and lazed around and did colouring in and it was so relaxing and exactly what we needed.

I just wanted to share this with you all as I wasn't expecting this experience to affect me so much and so deeply - I am normally a very pragmatic person - but, for anyone else who is struggling after a failed IVF cycle or loss, I just wanted to say that the grief and madness does pass and there are ways to make it better.

Wishing you all the best of luck with all your future treatment. Xxx

17 Replies

  • Hi MonkAK. This is so lovely to hear, that you are managing to come out the other side, so to speak. You've done well to seek some support at this time, which can only be good. You have been through a lot losing your tiniest little one, but I do hope that you will both be able to try again and be successful. Thinking of you. Diane

  • Thanks Diane. Not quite ready to try again yet but we're getting there! X

  • It does pass and it's only later on we realise this I think! This resonates with me as I had a similar experience after a 9 week miscarriage. I am also a teacher and had an awful time and was signed off work against my will!

    It was a long road of taking it easy, learning to meditate and accepting that I wasn't 'dealing with it badly' but dealing with it my way and that was ok. Accepting my feelings and not trying to suppress them was a real turning point.

    My mc was in November and I never thought I'd try again, but currently in the 2ww of a new cycle. It's been tough, but I'm miles on and keep going.

    You are doing great. Wishing you every happiness xx

  • Ah Daisy , I'm so pleased that you managed to come through it. It's so hard and must be even more traumatic at 9 weeks, I cannot imagine. Huge luck with your 2ww and whatever comes after. Xx

  • Thank you. I now think the length of time is actually irrelevant. I gave myself such a hard time for reaching badly to 'only 9 weeks' that it was damaging. Feelings should always be allowed and looked after.

    I think many of us are guilty of putting far too much pressure on ourselves!

    Good luck xx

  • Hi MonkAK, sadly my first ivf cycle also ended as a chemical a couple of weeks ago too. When I had a missed miscarriage naturally a year ago my work at the time sent me for CBT, and it helped me loads. Its practices that I now apply to any traumatic event as is what has got me too through everything i've been through in the last year. I wasn't aware that there was this type of meditation available so will look into it now. Glad your feeling in a better place now 😊 Xx

  • Hi baby, I'm sorry to hear about your losses. The book I bought is here: It is an 8 week mindfulness course and has helped me from day 1. There is also a CD. I found that I had got myself into a rut whereby I felt like the coping switch in my brain had been switched off and everything was just spiralling out of control. This really helped me to understand that its OK and normal to feel bad, but that those feelings pass and to not give myself a hard time over them. Now my anxiety has gone down massive amounts and I am able to get on top of things rather than just feel helpless and unable to control any aspect of my life. I hope you feel better soon too Baby, take care of yourself won't you? I can recommend a lovely shepherd's hut in a field in Cornwall if you need it! Much love. X

  • Thank you for this info, i'll look into this book. If I had any hol left we'd be down to Cornwall in a shot, I love it down there and i'm sure theres something different in the air down there as my hubby and I always feel much better and relaxed there. Plus I love the fish & chips there! 🙈 Xx

  • Hey

    I am glad you are find your way back xx

  • Thank you TamTam. How are you doing? Xx

  • Hey

    Not sure if you know we were successful in a De attempt and unfortunately went into early labour due to weak cervix and gave birth at 17w Monday July 4 @ 16.34 pm to a perfect little boy. We named him Khalil. He took a breath and then went to the Angels. Xx

  • Oh TamTam, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope you can find some peace soon. Such a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. Sending you lots and lots of love. Xxxxxx

  • So glad to hear you're feeling stronger and that your GP was so helpful.

  • Thank you pm27, I think it really is just luck of the draw with the GP you see on that particular day sometimes. X

  • There are lots of books on Mindfulness. Ruby Wax has written a couple you might want to try. I have used some aspects but it needs practise.

  • Thanks for that info, I will definitely look into Ruby Wax's books. I know that she suffers from depression and manages it very well. The advice of a strong, independent and fiery woman such as her can never be a bad thing! X

  • thank u for ur positive vibes, MonKak. i hope thing will work for u and ur dream will come true. i know what u'r talking about. surviving a fail or loss on your fertility was is always a drama. but time heals

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