Shoulder to cry on and vent with no judgement

Just wanting to vent a bit really to people who understand. 

I'm completely fed up with life atm. I'm trying to get over a miscarriage ( a month and half a go now - mothers day 😠) and I think I've just broken down today. It's been sunny outside and I'm off work and thought I'd tidy up my garden. I've just heard kids playing our in their gardens and my other neighbour has a toddler age kid and I heard him laughing with his mother in the  back garden.  My eyes began to well up as I was in the front so I made my way to my back door and just fell to the floor in tears. I've been like it ever since. My body actually hurts from the heartache. 

I've spoken to a councellor who said I've suppressed my feelings and been in shock/denial and I minimize the pain so haven't really started to grieve yet. I think today has triggered it off. I'm just so angry and upset. 

My cousin has an announced  a pregnancy too which will be due the same time as my baby would have been. It makes me sick to the bone seeing people congratulate them. I can't even pretend to be happy for them because I'm not. I don't even care. They've been living together for about 6 months do to be they shouldn't be having a baby or deserve it cos they haven't put anywhere near as much effort in as I have. 

Then me and my friends went for some drinks over the weekend and I didn't want the subject of our baby bought up into conversation but it did come up. I had my "friend" ( sitting there with 3 kids, 2 different dad's ) telling me it's not my time and I need to relax over summer with drinks and  it's good I'm over it. I politely smiled but in my head I was furious. Stupid woman! Good that I'm "over it". People are so ignorant! 

It just hurts so much. I've had about 4 panic attacks last week at work and ad a type 1 diabetic I've lost sight of my sugars which frustrates me as I don't have control of my body any more.  My body is still recovering physically from the ivf drugs, miscarriage and OHSS. I just want someone to understand the depth of pain that I feel and to know where I'm coming from and know that I'm not crazy. 

22 Replies

  • I feel your pain nothing I can say will

    Make it go away but each step, each day will become easier not pain free but raiser to bare.

    Have you thought about planting something for your loss in the gardens and saying goodbye your way?

    You have to let go before you can heal, I don't know all the circumstances behind your situation but unexplained things are always harder to overcome.

    Massive massive hugs to you 

  • Thanks for the reply. I still don't feel ready to let go. I know holding on won't do me any good but I'm just not ready to let go - yet. I think I'm just coming to terms with it. May feel different soon. 

    I already have a Pandora charm with the October birthstone on when I would have been due.i wear it on my left so have my husband ( wedding ring) and baby together. 

    We are planning to have an area in our garden to have a memorial. I've got a statue with a sleeping baby that I want to put outside with some flowers when I'm ready. I just don't want my baby to be forgotten. x x


  • Hi soap suds 

    I know what your going through !! It's soooo so hard. 

    Seems like everyone around you is going out of their way to be insensitive and every man and their dog is announcing pregnancy!! My SIL broke the news to us at a party (after we had been struggling ttc for about 3 years) didn't do the kind thing like pull me to one side and gently tell us, nope they physically dangled a + test in front of my face 😤 Was literally lost for words and locked my self in the loo while everyone at the party muttered how dramatic I was. Grrrrr. 

     I lost a baby a that was due on Mother's Day and I still think about every day and it's been 15 years now. Personally I think it can take years to get over the loss of a child at whatever stage of the pregnancy. 

    I was unfortunate to be sat next to a woman on the bus who was on her way home from her 20 week scan who was being very vocal about her disappointment of having another little 'bit*h 😡 Not remotely greatful that she was pregnant! I could have swung for her. 

    It's so very difficult when you want somethings so badly  to core of your soul, only to have it snatched away from you. Physically ivf is brutal in itself and your physically and mentally grieving right now. 

    Well done for getting counselling- great step! I wish I had instead of bottling it up and snapping like a twig everytime someone told me they were expecting. 

    I work in a nursery and so many mums are coming in every day with their proud bumps. I just look and wonder when will it be my turn? 

    And I'm pi**ed off that it's not me because I'm a good person! 😔 

    Your not going crazy Hun, if you are it makes two of us because I know exactly how you feel xxxx

    Hugs xxx

  • That's so awful with your sil! How horrible you had to spend your time in the loo to get through it! You're not being dramatic, you're trying to deal with the pain. Putting it very bluntly f**k what they say or think! You have to protect yourself.

    When I was in hospital with ohss and waiting for the doctor with my blood test results to see if I was loosing our baby, the cleaner came into my room and propped the door open. Walking by were all the new born babies as they'd put me in the ward after given birth. She was cooing all over them and then looking at me as if to.say I'm not cooing over them. My hubby gave me look not to say something. Just such an insensitive time. 

    My hubby swayed me to have counselling. I know I'm so hard in myself and don't give myself a break but I need to work on that.

    You areso.strong in a nursery. That would've my biggest nightmare right now

     I can't even stand it if someone with a kid comes into my work. Children I'm ok with

     Babies no,and parents who don't or can't control their children. I really can't cope with atm. x x




  • This is what I find I struggle with, just now, the babies- I'm greatful it's the school holidays right now where I am. It's a small time out from it. 

    We keep saying we're taking time out from ttc. I keep telling myself I'm not tracking, or checking cm, but I know my body SO well the second I get a OV twinge it's in my head again 24/7 and a few days later I'm in 2ww and I'm driving myself mad symptom spotting. Then the same kick in stomach when af shows up. My husbands asked me to consider that this may really never happened to us, and look into adoption. Time isn't on our side now and we have no spare money for Ivf or anymore assisted fertility. I see baby he sees a car... In 7k. It's so stressful.. I haven't ruled out adoption, but I really want to exhaust every cycle before we say enoughs enough. 

    That was unkind how you were treated at the hospital. It was the same for us, connecting ward to me was maternity. Very insensitive. 😔 In the early days and weeks following it I felt like all I did was stare at pregnant bellies and it seemed everywhere I went all the pregnant women in the world has come out to taunt me.. Unreasonable I know but I was so p*issed off with the universe I couldn't help it. 

    When people keep saying let it go or get over it, how possibly can you? 

    Especially with the remaining hormones and drugs telling your body otherwise. 

    Keep coming on here Hun and venting, it's an outlet xxx

  • My heart is breaking for you as there is no pain like it and nobody else can understand. It is brutal, unfair and doesn't make any sense. You are not crazy and I wish we had a way of easing the pain but we don't 😞. All I can say is you are not alone and hopefully we can help each other through this horrendous journey and come out the other side happy, pregnant ladies. 

    Thinking of you and sending you so much love and support. You are not alone xxx

  • Thank you for the response. It's such a lonely journey. I'm just so isolated from life. One side I want to continue while I'm this far in yet other side wants to have a break. I just can't have it all drag into yet another year. It's so tricky and not easy. x x


  • Oh Soapsuds, I could have written this 2 years ago. I went through 3 mc and these are normal feelings and emotions you go through during those tough times. You become so in tune with seeing others who are pregnant and announcing dates that should have been yours. 

    I did what TamTam suggested and planted snowdrops which would have flowered around the time of the anniversary of the 3rd. It's risky though - they didn't even flower this year as the winter was so odd! I have a little blanket square I had knitted for the first loss and an early scan photo for the second. It may be good if you can somehow mark the little baby you lost. Check out the miscarriage association too, I found it helpful to give them a call. I'm not in the uk but over here they also have a lovely annual remembrance service and memorial stones you can visit.

    Your friend sounds insensitive saying it's good you're over it but remember she hasn't been through this and can't truly understand. It is a difficult topic for many people. Before it happened to me I wouldn't have known what to say either.

    Lastly, as cliche as it sounds, time is a great healer. It can take a long time to come to terms with what happened and it feels completely unfair but eventually the pain will fade somewhat. You've taken the right step getting help. I waited until I was miscarrying the third time before I got counselling and it was like a weight was lifted. I continued with it through the IVF as well. Also, don't forget your husband, he is grieving too in his own way. Talk to him, go for walks together and be a couple again. x

  • I have found counselling to be great.just great to.let off steam without being judged and have someone who understands and not just agree or say an insensitive comment. My counsellor has been through I've too which is great as she really gets it. 

    I did print off some info for my boss at the miscarriage association, just to help them how to deal with me. I haven't called them but am thinking it may be worth while. 

    I initially hadn't spoken to my husband properly as he was breaking. He was leaning on me and I think I was "the strong one" since it happened. I just felt like I couldn't off load to him when he's so upset. He's had counselling too and helped me have it too. We have started to.try to live life a little but still have a way to go. It's just the hardest thing I've ever had to do. x x


  • Nothing we can say will take your pain away but hopefully in time it will be easier for you to bare/deal with. At times people think your over the worst cause we all plaster a happy face even when we are dying inside!! Have you spoken to your partner on how your feeling? I agree with tam about maybe having a corner in the garden where you can plant something as a way of saying goodbye!! You definitely need to be ready to let go before you can heal but this will take time!! And when your ready maybe you could do something like that!?? Take some time for yourself and your partner support each other and spend time together and more importantly definitely speak to each other!!! 

    Lots of love 


  • Thanks hope84.

    I have plans for a littlememorial bit I'm my garden. I'm just not ready to let go yet. 

    We've spoken much more than we had but I know it'll take a while for us to go through the emotions. It just proper socks! x x

  • Your right some it just proper sucks and life is cap and unfair and a down right crock of shite I may self am feeling this right now due to test on Tuesday and have heavy bleed with clots!!! Glad you and your partner are talking stick together be kind to yourself! !! Time will heal and make it easier to bare!!! Massive hugs to you xxx

  • Firstly... People are idiots! I had equally abnoxious and unsentiive comments given to me when we were trying for our baby. You shouldn't have to put up with that, but we can't make others understand what we're going through. It's so tough seeing all the bumps and worst of all people taking for granted their children. So allow yourself to be bitter and angry for a while if you need. I haven't miscarried, but friends who have said that doing something to commemorate and remember your little one can help as they were a part of your life even if it was cruelly so short.

    Sending lots of energy and love your way

  • The ones who don't appreciate their kids are the ones that.maje me do angry. Or when they font enjoy their children being children. I often think to myself what I would do if I was in that situation and I know I'd handle it better than they are. Easy to judge I know but don't care they're not going through this. 

    I don't feel jealous, just envious to think. The why not me feeling. Then I feel like I'm feeling sorry myself and get frustrated. It's just awful.

    Time is a healer I guess. Just a case of how much time. x x

  • The worst one is " oh it wasn't meant to be" !!! 4 miscarriages later it's took me a long time to deal with the grief and the loss the anger and the bitterness. You will get there eventually I found rather than bottling it up when I got upset a good sobbing session helped let it out X I had huge tension inside that I couldn't get rid of and was still ttc but not getting pregnant at all after 4 recurrent losses. All tests normal just "one of those things" apparently . Acupuncture first session lifted a lot for me and I felt calmed for the first time since it all began. There are lots of ladies and support here who can relate so vent away we know exactly how you can feel X 

  • Sorry for your losses. I'm struggling with this, let alone go.through it 4 times. 

    I do forget that people are not as consumed into this like how we are but I still think people should have to read a code of things what to say and what not to say. Some woman at work looked at me when she couldn't control her kids and said " kids who'd have them?" I responded quickly with " clearly not me". Just couldn't help myself! It just literally came out my mouth ad I thought it in my head! 

    I'm so happy this group Facebook page would be taking a battering if not! x x .

  • I know my colleague at work was totally venting the other day about lack of sleep he's getting with his 1 year old daughter being up through the night. My response popped out well I'd really appreciate being tired and grateful I had a healthy baby rather than living the hell of losing them so remember how lucky you are in that regard ---oops lol he took the point though X 

  • It's rubbish isn't it? It's rubbish and lonely as hell. Most people will never understand what it's like on this journey. We want love and understanding from our friends and family but what we get can often feel like it makes it worse. I'm a fertility coach and Cognitive Hypnotherapist (who's been through the journey, ours was 10 years of both male and female infertility, but we got their in the end and can look back and see how much our mind played a role in our journey) and have done a number of webinars for INUK on emotional support. What i want to offer you is two hypnosis tracks to listen to at night. Try then both and listen to whichever one you connect with most, it may change over time. One is for letting go of the emotional trauma and the other is to help you body recover and get back in to it's more natural state after the physical trauma. 

    Letting go of emotional trauma:

    Physical healing:

    With love


  • Thanks for the response and the help. I will give them a look when I'm ready to. Just not feeling it at this stage but doesn't mean I.wont.

    10 years, wow! So happy it worked eventually for you. What a journey! 

  • Great, it means you are listening to your wisdom, you will know when and what you are ready to do. Now is a time of self compassion. x

  • Hi Russell I've had a go I'm very aware of the stress and tension I'm holding onto and I think sub consciously I am petrified of getting pregnant again after recurrent losses so funnily enough I'm not getting pregnant presently and I think it has something to do with the way I'm feeling I really do so thank you very relaxing and calming 

  • I'm glad you liked it. In my experience a very high percentage of my clients struggle to get pregnant (particularly secondary fertility) due to previous trauma (e.g. associated with miscarriage or traumatic birth/post natal depression)  and thus fear of getting pregnant. Keep listening and see how you get on with your feelings around the past and that fear of getting pregnant. You may want to consider seeing a hypnotherapist to explore letting it go even more. x

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