Why not me 😞

Everyone around me is with big belly's talking about things they need to get, things they have got, baby showers, birthing plans.

So I ask Y NOT ME.

That first moment when you get a BFP, that butterfly feeling and giddiness to say I have done it, we are having a baby....

At work it's all baby, at home my niece is pregnant it's all baby, went to the hairdresser it's all baby, there she was talking away about the pending birth in April so excited she was.

I felt so bad as I was so jealous, I want that feeling, I want the anticipations. I feel angry because it's not fair, I want to shout at them I don't want to hear it because I can't get there and then I feel useless totally useless a cat can have kittens and I can't even get pregnant....

And yet the road continues and the journey continues we fight to have another cycle and it's always the last go just with that little hope "it only takes 1".

So I hold onto that saying and hope even though the eggs are not Mine that this next round this next hope this next cycle it really will be the one.

Don't give up hope ladies somethings works in miracles and others with persistence xxx

16 Replies

  • Awww tamtam

    I think like this as well so your not alone in those thoughts!!! Being a mummy is always on my mind most of friends have children and sometimes you do feel a bit left out!! Our niece is 1 and half and learning new things doing new things all the time and it's all we hear about!!! Sometimes I do think to myself you know our struggles please stop harping on and that makes me feel like a terrible person!!! But then ill dust myself off and get on with it whatever it throws at me!!! We're on this journey because God thought we were stronger enough and brave enough and tough enough to endure it and im not a real religious person but I do believe that!!! We should never ever give up on our dreams no matter what sometimes we may just have to climb a few extra mountains to get there but what will wait for us on the other side will be a pot of hopes and dreams and plenty of miracles.. big hugs tam xx

  • Some days I want to be positive and be full of hope. Other days I want to open my kitchen cupboards and smash every plate in them on the floor. And not either of them makes me feel any better when I wake in the middle of the night just staring at ceiling with one single tear running down my face, that just won't stop, wondering what I did wrong to make this happen.

    I never have an answer. the only answer i have is that I'm allowed to have sad days - I'm about to embark on IVF which my Dr said had a 99% chance of not working. And I'm allowed to be angry - if egg donation is the next route then why can't I pass on anything of me to my child?

    Then one morning I wake up and read your post. And I can't comprehend how sad you must feel. Breaking plates won't work, shedding a tear can ease the gulp in your throat, having hope is all we have. Big hugs xxx

  • Oh! Tam Tam my heart goes out to you because I do feel your pain. I do find myself sometimes jealous of others with babies or pregnant, especially friends who is pregnant. Sometimes I even wonders what I have done wrong to deserve this, it feels like its is a never ending journey. however with support I soon snaps out of it by looking at all the other things I have got that a lot of people don't. I am also hanging onto hope, that one day I will get my little miracle too. Hang in there too, our day may come sooner that we might think.

  • Hey Tam! I totally get how you feel & I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone (not that it'll take the pain away). I had 2 friends who we got married same year and we were all ttc for a while. Fast forward to 4yrs on and they both have a child each who will be 2yrs old this year (one in Feb, the other in July) - life sucks!

    Are we going to let that stop us from hoping and believing that one day we will be a mummy to our adorable child/children? Absolutely not! I don't know how its going to happen (whether ICSI, IUI or Natural) but I am definitely certain I will look back some day with my husband & children and be thankful this situation is a phase of my life.

    Hold on tight darling, it's a journey that will surely end xxx

  • You are not alone. I can't bare people talking about their kids or being around babies right now. I almost want them to not have their children if I believe they are not worthy enough to be parents.

    I'm on 8dp5dt and just tested with a bfn. I know it's still a bit early being 2 days before otd to test and things could change but I've never seen a bfp and now it's looking like ivf#3 has been unsuccessful. This may mean I have to go for donnor eggs if I go again which I really don't want to do. This was suggested to me last time if this time didn't work. To top it off my friend is due today. I haven't spoke to her or anything because she keeps telling everyone that she has had a tough time getting pregnant cos it took her 2 years and she took clomid. Big deal!!!!!

    Taking a pill a day isn't really the same as going through ivf but she doesn't realise that. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't go to her baby shower in January when I was going through ivf and been advised by my councellor not to. She also then moans about being pregnant and eats crap and drinks too much caffeine to the point it causes her uterus to contract!!

    Me and my hubby did a video of our ivf journey which helped us recover from the second round and to show what we were going through and how difficult it was. We did put it on social media to show our famiky and friends what were going through.

    I'm now waiting for her to do the same thing with her child and say 'what a miracle it is' and how difficult it was. She always copies anything I do which annoys me.

    Just having a proper rant, I'm sorry.

    I really want to wish you the best of luck for this round. You are not alone. So many feel exactly the same and it's ok to feel like that. Be kind to yourself throughout the cycle. Wish you all best best!! It has to be your time x x x

  • Big hugs xx

  • Aww please don't feel alone. I've come away on holiday with my in laws and cried myself silly in our bedroom listening to my sister in law sing nursery rhymes to her crying new born next door. It's hard for me and it's hard for my husband. Sometimes I wonder where we find the strength to paint on a smile and get on with the next day. Some how I seem to manage it! Please don't feel you are alone. Last night I felt there is no pain that compares to infertility. It feels very unfair doesn't it xxxx

  • I can totally identify with you Tam Tam. Life is so unfair and cruel sometimes. You're allowed to be sad or jealous or angry or whatever you want to be. Please don't give up hope, you have the right attitude. I'm having a blip today too.... know I'm being pathetic but can't help our emotions and it's healthy to let it all out sometimes and shout "f@#$ off world" 😊 Most importantly we need to laugh.... or we'll cry! Xx

  • Oh TamTam I totally feel your pain and can identify with everything you said! Infertility is horrible!! I'm sick of hearing "well you know there's more to life than children" or "plenty of people choose not to have them, nobody says you have to have children" easy to say when your sitting there with two! Another one I get is " come on your biological clock is ticking you'd be a great mum" Yes I know!!

    Even the "you'll come out of this a stronger person than before" grates on me!

    Everytime I hear any of these I put on that fake smile while imagining hitting them in the face with a frying pan! I know it is not their fault & they are trying to be helpful but the pain of infertility & not being able to do what most people achieve without a second thought is heartbreaking & hard work! It sucks the life out of you.

    Rant over.....Let's hope we all get our BFP & baby! X

  • I started ttc at the same time as my little sister, just after we'd both got married within 3 months of each other and been bridesmaid for each other. She now has a 4yo and a 16mth old. She is wonderfully supportive and has never made me feel like that, but looking at my niece and nephew does remind me how long this road has been and what we're missing out on.

    But I have recently been reminded that there is pain worse than infertility. My dear friend lost her husband to cancer and is now left alone, and her two sons have lost their father. It seems dreadfully in fair.

    It has made me realise that I am very lucky in many ways. I have an amazing husband and we're very happy. Children would be the icing on our cake, but I have come to realise I can't let life pass by while we wait for that to happen. Life is precious and short and I want to live it to the full while we can.

    I hope thinking this way we help us to remain positive as we move onto ivf cycle #2.

    Good luck ladies, I hope we all get our dream soon xxx

  • We are stronger than we know ladies.

    We will all get there

    High 5 ✋🏽 to our strength, durability and determination. 😘

  • I know exactly how you feel tamtam. Its so frustrating seeing friends and other people being pregnant and it makes it far worse when you hear people complaining about their wierd cravings or the fact that they feel fat, when all im thinking is i would give anything to swap places with you. Yes some people do have bad pregnancies but what i wouldnt give to get that bfp so i can tell my husband and my family that our dream has come true. I imagine it to be an amazing feeling and hope one day i will find out. The one thing that does irritate me is people saying "if its meant to be it will happen" that gives me no comfort what so ever neither does it help me. I pray each time it will work and keep positive but each time so far we have no luck and i can feel it chipping away at my determination and strength. I hope we will all be lucky and get the gift we all so long for. Big hugs xx

  • Much love and food wishes for you mu dear! Whatever you do dont ever let yourself down look for all the blessings you have been blessed with just keep praying and hopeing to get this missing blessing too! God has His way of distribution and some get it the easy way others like us have to struggle! Stay positive and keep hopeing well😘 It will happen soon!

  • Hiya

    I feel for you so much. I sit there wanting to scream at baby conversations.

    Even some people know my pain but forget. It's a pain that no one can understand unless go through it is what I tell myself. I try think what I'd been like if my 1st miscarriage had never happened. I'd have been married 1 year & a baby in had. The world of IVF I never would have seen.

    I have never used the word angry before but one the girls at my support group described her feelings as anger & I suddenly realised that was how I felt.

    Talking to girls in my support group, E. G. Meeting for coffee's just 2 of us has been a huge help for me. Someone who feels same as me! And if one those girls gets pregnant I will be overwhelmed with joy. I am starting to Q friendships & seeing new ones start.

    Hug your husband & be thankful for each other. Mine is my rock & not a day goes by I am not grateful for him.


  • Hi, Tamtam. I'm so sad about that you're feeling. I know it myself, 'cause have already survived it once while we were struggling for our daughter. She's 2 yo now, being a DE baby. This year we decided to have another baby. Using DE as well as all the previous attempts with OE ended in failure.

    So it's uneasy again for me to watch women happily strolling down the streets with their big bellies. I remember this feeling and want to live it once more. But I also know again a long way it must be. For some women pregnancy may be easy and unexpected. For those like us it's always a struggle. We must learn how to deal with it, though it's really hard all the time.

    I wanna so much that your second attempt bring you long-awaited satisfaction. May God bless you to experience pregnancy this time. Have my fingers crossed for you x

  • Thank you my love.... This will be our 5th try 4 previous goes using OE and now using DE....

    We are hoping that it's our turn now.

    Good luck to you xx

You may also like...