How to talk to him

[Olivia1980xxx]

Hi ladies my last posts was that I'm done with it 😔 What I done with my self a lots from last over 2 years .... My last post was base on my hubby desision that he want to wait another couple months .... My last unsuccessful IVF cycle was in March .... that a almost 5 months now . Well we had bit argu and disagreement about to start self funding this time . Because this time we need to pay he done some test what we will pay for ...IVF is cheaper but my hubby results come out that they recommended ICSI to increase chances for a reason that he got 2% abnormal sperm 😔 and ICSI is more expensive . Well he was angry with me that I told him of his results ...he didn't want to talk to me ... I know it must be hard for him us a man ...and was even harder for me to say that to him. In all that what is going on ...Me ...I got only one Fallopian tube the left one ...now is him with 2% abnormal sperm 😔😔😔 I know in that situation we in will gonna take us forever to get pregnant naturally ...special that time is not on my side ....I'm 35 this year and he is 39 . I really want to talk to him to convince him to go thru IVF this month ... Doctor I spoke with told me not to worry about because this time will happen ...we will increase dose to 220 injection ...use endo scratch on day 18 , use embryo glue and put two in end .... I know and I truly believe it will happen but how can I convince him not to wait anymore and Wasting time .... Please ladies help me how can I talk to him 😔😔

[Filmgirl101]

Give him a bit to absorb the news. Point out the positives. ICSI will give you higher chances of pregnancy. At least his swimmers work! And that he ddoesn't have to have sperm surgically removed!

It's hard for everyone. And a lot of money. For us we have had to put a financial limit. And there's always a chance that all that money will be spent and nothing to show for it.

Good luck.

[Olivia1980xxx in reply to Filmgirl101]

Hi Filmgirl101 thank u for time to replay . The first cycle we hade was funding by NHS ...after that we need to pay😔 I know £4.200 is a lots of money but money is not the issue .... I know is different feeling when u spend that amount but I feel really positive and keeping strong is the only thing I got left ...😔 I felt bad thru all this over 2 years ...I felt like failure because was me ...me with problems ...and many times I was on my on with that and the feeling ... He not always was "there "...supporting or making me feel good about my self ... I think is the time for him now to do what I feel positive about not trying to prove that he "can get better"... I felt bad for to long ...I want feel good and like a woman for the first time ... Just the only think I don't know how to do is to talk and to convince him ...😔😔😔

[MonkAK]

Hi there, I'm new here and at the very start of my journey so in a very different situation to you, I hope I'm not being too forward in replying to you, but myself and my husband also disagreed a lot and there were lots of arguments/tears, etc about going ahead with treatment and I really feel for you.

I think what made us eventually agree was being able to consider the long term. In 10/20/30 years time we want to have our children and grandchildren around us - not just to have a baby, but to have our child/teenager/adult - to have the relationship with our child one day that we have with our parents now. I think that once my husband was able to realise this and see beyond just treatment and pregnancy and baby, he was able to see what we are doing this for.

I hope I'm not being at all patronising or naive in saying this when you have already been through so much, but I think that when becoming pregnant has become such a big issue for so long, it is difficult to see beyond that, when being a parent is about so much more than just having your baby. Remind him of this and and the family you could/should/will have, not just in the next few years but for the rest of your lives.

It sounds like your doctor has a plan for you and that it will work. Perhaps your husband just needs some reassurance that this process isn't just about you having your baby, but about both of you having your family. Likewise, it's certainly not about blame - you are a team and being able to conceive is about how you work together - the same as being parents really! I know that us girls often feel that we have the rough deal having to go through all the physical stuff, but I think that also makes it hard for the men as they feel quite detached from the whole process and they have to watch us going through it - sometimes when they tell us to stop it's just because they can't handle watching us suffer any more.

I really hope you and your husband can agree soon. Wishing you all the best and, as I've seen lots of people write on here, lots of baby dust!

Much love. Xxx

[Kernishp]

Hi Olivia, we needed ICSI due to hubby's swimmers being a bit lazy. I was also put in the awful position of telling him this, it was horrible. I just told him he was an amazing man and it wasn't surprising nature had given him this handicap as otherwise it wouldn't be fair on all the other men and nature had to stop him from making a race of super humans. He did come round and can even now joke that his "boys" demand a super expensive ride to get to the point of action (I have a mental image of his sperm driving around in Rolls Royces and Ferrari's). On our ICSI cycle we did the scratch and had 2 put back- we're now 14 weeks pregnant with twins. I agree with MonkAK, it sounds like your doctor has a plan and that it's a good plan. I hope you both start feeling a bit better soon.

[pm27]

Tests last year showed my hubby's sperms had problems with swimming, odd shapes and not many. It was a huge shock for both of us. However a year later they have improved past the level required for natural conception but we'll probably still have ICSI due to inconsistent results. ICSI is more expensive but the embryologist picks out the best ones to use so hopefully it'll be more successful.

Your hubby might need a bit more time to absorb the news, it's horrible feeling it's your 'fault'. As the men only have to provide a sample some of them might feel it,so a huge pressure to produce a good sample. We have the distractions of injections, tablets, scans, EC!

Perhaps try explaining to hubby how important it is to you to go through this journey together. Men often need to fix things and he may be thinking "I can't get my wife pregnant". I have to state at the beginning of a conversation that I don't need it fixed I just need to talk about it to get it out of my head.

[Hidden]

Hi Olivia, I can only share my experiences as a man who has been through the journey, as a husband but also as a man who had infertility problems as well. My advice is don't try and convince him anything. The first step is for each other to feel understood. I did a webinar for INUK on relationships and talked about my experiences in sharing with my wife (or not in my case until I realised how my not engaging with emotions wasn't helping anything). You may want to watch it here:

youtube.com/watch?v=Zz-ZGSQ...(Not working as expected?)

My test results were disastrous and they were recommending ICSI for us. In the end we conceived naturally. Male sperm gets created every 3 months so you can have more influence over improving it than people think.

x

[Hepzibah]

Hi Olivia. I am very sorry to hear what you are feeling. But here is the good news... 2% 'abnormal' sperm in any given sample is nothing to worry about (as far as I am aware), since this means that your partner has 98% 'normal' sperm - doesn't it? If this is the case, then you need not pay extra for ICSI. Again (as far as I am aware), there is no conclusive evidence to suggest that ICSI will improve your outcome, given the information you have provided here. Please read: bionews.org.uk/page_363168.asp ... In our case, we have no choice (due to a vasectomy blockage). If we had the choice, I would not opt for ICSI. We are now undergoing our third ICSI cycle. Good luck, whatever you decide!

[Olivia1980xxx in reply to Hepzibah]

Hello Hepzibah thank u for replay . Clinik told me my hubby got 2% abnormal sperm which mean like u say is not bad news because there is still 98% good one . Then in that case Clinik knowing that we self funding this time and 2% is not bad special that the doctor told me every man have abnormal sperm .... Then why they think IVF not going to work ....😔? I know ICSI is giving more chances because they can choose the best quality sperm and inject direct . I'm sorry to hear that u going thru third ICSI cycle 😔 Did u ask doctors to use embryo glue or endo scratch ?

[Hepzibah]

Hi Olivia. Well, I would be over the moon with 98% 'normal' sperm. The point is, you are at least able to choose. You could try ICSI this time, but opt for conventional IVF next time. Don't forget as well, that there is a risk in damaging embryos by injecting the eggs. All of it is a gamble... but please do your own research. What the consultants encourage you to do is not necessarily what's ethical. ICSI versus IVF is a tough one. The point is... you do not want regrets. So, look around (there is plenty of information out there). Ask Professor Winston genesisresearchtrust.com/as... ...and make the most informed decisions that you can! Regrets are not uncommon following a failed IVF cycle 'I should have done this, etc'. I wish I could rewind the clock. Ask, ask, ask. But, ultimately, I really think that only 2% 'abnormal' sperm is holds good prospects. Perhaps you could your partner know that this is completely (if not better than) average, and then explain that sperm selection may be better in terms of screening for mis-shapen sperm - which again all men have. Good luck with that part. Yes, and although this is our third round, we have not had a transfer yet. The first cycle (all abnormal embryos, apparently). The second cycle, two frozen embryos. Today, sixteen eggs - waiting to hear about fertilisation... so, stay positive. Remember, stress is no good for fertility, and encourage your partner to be more relaxed... difficult, I know, but it could make all the difference! Again, good luck. It's a horrible and lonely world, this [in]fertility void.

[Olivia1980xxx in reply to Hepzibah]

Hello Hepzibah . I contact this professor Winston 3days ago ...I wrote to him but not respond .😔 Do u know how long it take to have any news from him . Thank u xx

[Olivia1980xxx]

Hello Hepzibah . I just wrote question to Dr.Winston writing my story and what should we do now . In past couple months we had lots of disagreement with my hubby. I want to start new cycle he want to wait . I know that he never want to talk about anything related to "start new cycle".... If I did we end up arguing . But two days ago I start saying story of my friend who is 5 months pregnant but she did had problems to conceive to. I ask him if he take option to do abroad for reason that they can do 5 IVF cycle what u get just one here in UK self funding ...and that was the beginning of ours conversation for the first time till I remember. Well I sow that he want but then he still try to have option of doing here then going abroad .... 2day I mention him what if we ask doctor to try doing IUI for change and is cheaper to. I know there is lots of cases that woman with the same problem what I have went thru IUI treatment. I know that not always 100% successful and my take few cycles but then IVF or ICSI don't give u 100% guaranty either . I fell so much better since we have talk ...now I can even see that he feel better to ...more relax both of us 😃😃 I really want to do something because I got bit difficult time with my younger sis in low and my hubby younger brother what they just had baby girl week ago. I being there with them from a beginning All way thru till the end when she give a birth. I sow everything and that was the most amazing experience I ever had. Now I feel so attach with her ...😔 if I don't see her one day I miss her so much ...and when I with her I just want to hold her all the time ...talking to her ...changing nappy ...kissing her making sure that she is ok and her mum to 😔😔😔😔

[Hepzibah]

Hi Olivia...

Yes, why not, IUI? And why not abroad? Nine thousand couples from the UK travel abroad each year for fertility treatment - and counting! Standards are better, apparently, as in everything is a bit more humane. If you can afford the time off work, do it. I do know of a couple who had a failed IVF, and then a successful IUI... I think that you are in quite a good position. You are ovulating. Your husband is producing sperm, and this means that all options are open to you (a) natural conception, (b) IUI, (c) IVF and (d) ICSI.... whereas our only only option is ICSI - and it is the most expensive method. Remember, nothing is 100% in fertility treatment. I think that figures show that most couples are not successful at the first IVF attempt. So, that would be a greater than 50% chance of failure - across the board. You can find lots of figures like this on the HFEA website. And Prof Winston does respond - just in time. Did you pose the question on his website? You can also ask here: infertilitynetworkuk.com/co... you'll need to have a password, etc. But this site responds within 48 hours, usually! Keep talking! Once you get to know the systems, you will both feel a lot better...

[Olivia1980xxx in reply to Hepzibah]

Hi Hepzibah . Thank u for kwik respond . I click the first link u give me ...that was web I wrote to him and I put my Emil address . I ask my husband to do abroad . What u paid here for one cycle u gonna have 5 ICSI or IVF treatments in there. Time off from work is not a problem I work for my self . Is just my hubby may have bit problem to take time of because he work with his brother...he can start asking questions why u going where for what ....and we don't want no one to know 😔 I really would like to try that IUI treatment ...but my husband don't believe it will happen 😔 Now my hubby is thinking to move county and I don't want to leave place we live my friend and everything what is important for me ...😔😔😔 That is big step for me 😔 and I don't even know if NHS will funding another two cycle "if we 😔 decide to move ".... Is big thing for me and I don't know if I'm ready for it 😔

[Hepzibah]

Yes, there is a lot to think about. And, yes, it is a rip-off in this country. Also, if you visit this website fertilityfairness.co.uk/nhs... ... you will see the NHS criteria for each NHS Trust in the UK - hope this helps you to make up your minds. All the best, H.

[Olivia1980xxx in reply to Hepzibah]

Thank u Hun for all information u give me 😃😃xx