Fertility Network UK
13,128 members21,248 posts

Hope us all we have!


Feeling so depressed. Can't help thinking of what ifs.

What if FET failed?

Could any body keep my heart and mind locked somewhere?? Could I go away from myself? Am turning 38... Spent 60 months that I didn't want to see periods for the hope of baby... This is another month for FET, what will happen??? I understand we have to stay positive and yes we have to... But how??? Could anybody on this earth lock my mind for sometime? That I don't want to hear all that my mind keeps telling me and it never stops... It never stops at all. It makes promises to stay positive but still whispers fears... I don't want to hear but it doesn't stop....

I know I have to stay positive and I know hope is all I have........ But....if....what...how...if....

5 Replies

Hi there, the mind is certainly an incredibly strong force and can at times be our worst enemy. I know how you are feeling, and I find it's when I'm on my own my mind starts to drift to the places I don't want it to go. I don't know how I can help other than to let you know you're not alone and you are a strong lady who has made it through so much and can make it through whatever comes next. Sending you lots of love and support and hoping those positive thoughts start flowing soon. Xxx


Hello. I'm the same age and have been trying about the same time. I understand how low this journey can get you. I would suggest to focus less on trying to stay positive when you aren't feeling it, and more on being kind and loving to yourself. I don't find it easy but am getting better- there is a lot of wisdom out there that can teach us to be in the moment and disidentify with our minds and all the chatter that can go on in there, which in turn helps our body to relax too. I have a whole load of online resources I turn to when my thoughts and feelings get painful - things like Deepak and Oprah's 21 day meditations (there was just one about gratitude, that helped me feel gratitude for the little things), or the chopra centre, eckhart tolle is also good, Abraham Hicks, TUT 'notes from the universe' and online meditations in general eg there is a free app called 'insight timer' that I like. But if that kind of thing isn't your bag then just try and do something every day that brings you joy and takes you away from your mind patterns - read a book, watch a comedy, talk with a friend, listen to a favourite old song that makes you dance, or do something that sparks your imagination. These kind of things can remind us that we aren't our life situation or our fertility, we are so much more, and life is so precious (otherwise why wouldn't we want to create a new person to enjoy it!), we need to make sure we enjoy it for ourselves as much as we can too. Sending hugs and well done on reaching out xxx


I know what you mean. I think it's actually impossible to stop yourself from thinking over worries and worst case scenarios. If we couldn't imagine the worst we would have no way of keeping ourselves safe from the dangers of the world, so I think it is a natural process. Both hope and fears can exist at the same time and that is OK.

When it gets too negative, like a negative voice that talks over your positive voice and hopes then it can be too much. Try accepting the negative voice and saying to it I hear these fears and I accept them for what they are. Your could even write each worry down and each what if... then burn it to release it. I find if you push it away too much it just comes back anyway. Even if you spent every waking moment forcing yourself to hope, your dreams would show up your fears.

My acupuncturist said if I have a negative day and am thinking- it's never going to work this time- then to allow myself to go there fully. Then it will shift and the feeling will move on. It's when you argue against yourself that it hurts more. I think you can't feel positive all the time, if it takes too much energy and you're forcing it then it is not how you honestly feel. It is possible to take positive actions without always feeling positive.

I am trying every day to accept the following statement- You are doing your very best to become pregnant, beyond this the result is not in your control.

Take care, and be kind to yourself. xxx

1 like

A study was done that examined the effect on positive thinking on IVF success rates- it found there is no link. With non IVF conception it does make a difference as positive attitudes generally lead to less arguments and more sex, thus increasing conception chances. However once you add IVF or IUI into the equation the 'more sex' bit becomes void. It's obviously not healthy to be depressed, but please don't beat yourself up if you're struggling to stay positive- it won't effect your FET cycle. Best of luck! Xxx


Thanks dear all, real wisdom thoughts I got here for my situation. This forum is really therapeutic in our complex situation. Sending lots of love to all.

1 like

You may also like...