Needed: advice on dealing with Christmas and infertility.

[Kernishp]

I'm dreading this Christmas as I have no pregnancy news to share with my nearest and dearest. I need advice on how to cope with all the well meant, but very frustrating, things that I know people will say to me.

[Hidden]

Hello. I know how you feel hun. This may sound extreme to you. But here is what I did when I had a fail a month before x-mas. I did nothing. Literally. Just enjoyed time with hubby and one close friend. I understand it might not be possible for you to do this. But don't do anything that will upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. Hope this helps. ️Xxx

[mmc224]

I could do with the same advice. Sadly had to attend a family funeral last week, at which several younger family members had babies and toddlers. At 37 I keep being asked why we don't have children yet, mainly by my husbands aunties and cousins. I had 7 people ask me when we were having kids at the funeral... And I really don't know what to say a lot of the time, because I'm not close enough to most of the people asking to tell them how difficult it is...

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Kernishp. Yes, it can be a very difficult time of the year, when you desperately want to be a mother yourself. Unfortunately, it is hard to get away from – unless you are able to “get away” on holiday. I think it is best to choose who you spend your time with, and I always say to people, that you don’t have to go to parties and family dinners etc if you don’ want to! You can always do things after Christmas, and let’s hope that next year is your year! Diane

[Kernishp]

Thank you for the advice ladies. My DH and I live overseas so to stay here and not travel back to the UK would be the ideal thing for me to do- however then people would ask why we weren't coming home. Also I know my DH really wants to go home to see his family and I can't deny him that- it's not his fault we're in the position we are. I'm definitely going to reduce the amount of people we see though and try to get some counselling in an attempt to strengthen my mental state before I have to 'face the music' so to speak. I'm really sorry you're in the same boat mmc224- I dare say I'll be on these boards a lot over the holidays so I will keep an eye out for you.

[Hidden]

I did a pregnancy test on 21 December last year and it was negative I was heartbroken so I just took each day as it came, did what me and my husband wanted to and ate what I wanted to. I found going to the cinema between Christmas and New Year really helped. Next year could be your year as this year has been for me as I am 4 weeks pregnant. Tasha

[Hope23]

Hey

I'm with you on this one. I miscarried a few weeks ago and I really thought THIS christmas was going to be different you know, thankfully a lot of people I know have the diplomacy not to ask why we haven't had kids yet. Infertility is such a common thing these days, sadly, that I would like to think people have the sense not to ask the dreaded "when are you two gonna have children" or not pregnant yet then". Makes me a bit cross really as what would they do if we turned about and said actually I've had a very stressful painful time and had a failed IVF Cycle for yr info! Or actually I've recently miscarried. They wouldn't know where to put themselves would they. It's normally the older generation that aren't diplomatic because IVF didn't exist in their day and they just don't consider it's not for want of trying or spending a fortune trying!

Maybe just don't answer any questions directly. If people can't have the diplomacy to not ask personal painful questions, maybe you should just completely avoid the question and talk about the food, music, presents whatever! This may sound rude, but we've all got to get through the festive season the only way we can!

Take care. Be kind to yourself. That's very important. Maybe a large glass of baileys would help too! Lol xx

[Hope23]

If its the people closest to you asking questions, maybe just gently say do you mind if we don't discuss all the treatment pregnancy stuff and just have fun. They love you so will respect your choice of not wanting to talk about it xx

[EmmaT88]

Hi, I am new to this site and this is my first post. But know exactly how you feel. I have just been diagnosed with Bilateral blocked fallopian tubes, and the only way for us to fall pregnant is with IVF. We have taken the decision to tell friends and family this news, and although it was hard to start with as they didn't really know what to say or do, it has meant that over Christmas there will be no awkward questions or uncomfortable conversations to get over, everyone knows where we stand.

My husband and I really thought that by this Christmas we would at least have a little one on the way, last Christmas we were still trying and all we spoke about was 'this time next year' so to get to the next year with no change is just heart-breaking. It doesn't help that Christmas for me is about family and all we want so desperately is one of our own.

However, we are progressing with IVF - we get one round on the NHS so keeping our fingers crossed.

Anyway, I am not sure if you feel telling people is an option for you, but it has defiantly helped us, I no longer feel that its a big secret or something to keep from anyone, if they know they can support you, tell them exactly how it is and maybe let them know not to bring it up unless you do - this way you are in control?

Not sure if any of this is helpful (sorry I have rambled a lot!!) but I really hope you have a lovely Christmas and New year!

Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen

Emma xx