When did you get excited?

[JudithSS]

So after a year of no IVF and going down the adoption route, we’ve found ourselves with a spontaneous pregnancy. Every time I’ve gone in for my scan I think it’s the last. We’re now 11 +4 and our NIPT test has come back as normal. When did you get excited about pregnancy? We’ve hardly told anyone and when I have I find myself getting emotional and crying about it, like it still hasn’t sunk in. Was out shopping the other day, looked at a few baby clothes and realised quickly I wasn’t interested. I’m hoping this changes but I honestly still can’t get my head around it and I guess I’m in denial x

[Boo718]

honestly for me it wasn’t till about 28 weeks. I was to scared after all we had been through to believe and even now she’s here it’s hard to believe it. But everyone is different xxx don’t be hard on yourself xxx

[Purpledoggy]

Honestly, a few weeks after he was born. I never felt excited about being pregnant after the positive test, even though he was much wanted and through IVF. I cried to my midwife sometime in late pregnancy because everyone kept telling me I must be so excited, but I wasn’t. I was more apprehensive about this huge life change than anything else. I had the same feeling for a few weeks after birth, not like I didn’t want him, more just waiting for this overwhelming surge of happiness and love everyone tells you you have at the moment of birth. It did come eventually but it took longer than I was expecting. I love him more than anything now. One of my NCT group was the same and we sympathised with eachother that it wasn’t what we were expecting (hers was natural preg). There’s no right way to feel, or right time. Just take each day at a time and if you aren’t ok with how you feel at any time talk to your midwife for support. I felt so much better after I talked to mine and she told me it was totally normal, people just don’t really talk about it xx

[Boo718 in reply to Purpledoggy]

oh my goodness this is where I am now. She’s 2 weeks old and I’m waiting for that amazing feeling to arrive. Thank you for writing this it makes me feel a bit better. I thought I would be sooo excited and overwhelmed with happiness after all we had been through but it’s like you’re scared it’s gonna get taken away. Some days I think it’s just a dream and someone is gonna come through and waken me up xxx

[flamingopher in reply to Boo718]

I had the same feeling too. I loved him as soon as he was born (and before really) but I didn’t get that surge of love you hear about. It doesn’t help that people expect you to be automatically happy after getting what you’ve been trying for for so long, but that anxiety and mistrust of it working out still hasn’t really gone away for me.

A few weeks later I teared up just looking at him. He’s 5 months old now and I regularly get that surge of love especially when I watch him sleep. It happens differently for everyone, just like the rest of this journey

[Purpledoggy in reply to Boo718]

I think once they start being more interactive, and especially that first smile, it’s so much easier to bond. That first smile really is heart melting xx

[Lolalules in reply to Purpledoggy]

Thank you so much for writing this… my little girl is 2 weeks old and whilst I’m so happy she’s here after our journey I still haven’t had that surge feeling everyone keeps talking about. I thought it might be because we had a difficult birth ending in emergency c-section and I felt a bit inactive in the birth… but sounds like it’s quite normal. Really appreciate you sharing xx

[Purpledoggy in reply to Lolalules]

I think something that factored with me after birth is he had a tongue tie so breastfeeding was excruciating - literally breathtakingly painful. My NCT friend I mentioned also had a really difficult birth and then C-section, and was in hospital for a week. So, I'm sure difficult peri-natal experiences affect bonding in complex ways. Post-natal support is not what it should be for these difficult experiences, mine certainly wasn't until I reached out to our local BF drop-in. xx

[Boo718 in reply to Lolalules]

hiya mine is 2 weeks old too and we had a difficult birth I feel exactly the same xxx

[Missl73 in reply to Lolalules]

I think having a difficult and traumatic birth (also after fertility treatment and I’d had a previous loss) definitely plays a role. I felt this way after I had my first and honestly spent the first year of his life feeling like someone was going to tap me on the shoulder and say right that’s it, times up you’ve had your go at being a mum and he’d be gone. Thankfully after lots of therapy I don’t feel that way now and he’s a wonderful 3 year old. My second child it was totally different, lovely calm planned c-section and I did get the surge of love when he was born I missed out on first time.

[Willowmina in reply to Purpledoggy]

yep. That is me.. at 11 weeks. I think it is a very normal reaction. We need to be gentle with outselves and talk.. no rush to geel connection

[minnesota_girl]

Hiya, for me it was around 20-22 weeks and because of a few factors: first I got so many private scans that I started to see consistency of growth and I got past some of my personal timing hurdles - and then also at the end of that period is when I started to feel her move and I'm super lucky to have a wriggler, I feel her nearly constantly throughout the day and it's a genuine lifesaver for me! I'm 26 weeks now and was just looking at the little collection of baby clothes I have bought one by one since about week 16 and I felt genuine excitement today. I'm still quite anxious - now the anxiety has turned to pre term labor and such, but the excitement is there and I'm trying to fuel it 💕💕💕

I definitely felt a big sigh of relief hitting the 11 week mark so congratulations ✨ but it did take me longer to feel stable in happiness around pregnancy. I still expect that I'll have a huge release of anxiety after birth also. It's unavoidable with our circumstances ❤️

[PenguinBlue]

Hi, I was in a slightly similar situation (natural pregnancy after 2.5y ttc and 2 rounds of failed ivf) and felt so anxious. Even after hitting the 12 week ‘safe’ zone it felt strange to be pregnant and I kept thinking something would go wrong. For me, I could only relax after I started feeling movement which was around 22 weeks and then felt like I could enjoy the pregnancy more. I think it’s very normal after going through infertility for so long.

As each milestone passes, things will hopefully feel easier for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy xxx

[Willowmina in reply to PenguinBlue]

Ladies. This group is so reassuring. I suspect a lot of new mum’s feel just like this!

[HollyT7]

we didn’t tell anyone (other than parents), until we were 20 weeks and that’s only as I was going to a Christmas party with them all or I’m sure I would left it longer. I was worried the baby would go and I’d have to tell everyone we would have lost it. In all honesty, it was only snippets of excitement until after 20 weeks when I decided baby was here to stay. Xxx

[CJohns]

It was after the 20 week scan for me that I felt able to go and buy a few bits - although I never felt excitement. I remember my sister buying a newborn baby grow for me after my 12 weeks scan, and I told her that I didn’t want it and it was bad luck for me (she ended up lying and said it was leftover from her little boy just to make me feel better).

I was the same as Purpledoggy in terms of post birth. It was probably 5-6 months after birth that I finally felt connected to my little boy. It seems alien to me that people have this overwhelming surge of love during pregnancy and straight after birth, but we are all different ey x

[ButtercupGarden]

I always felt like the milestones for being excited kept moving. First I told myself that I could get excited after the 12w scan, but was too anxious to do that. Then I thought I'd be excited after the 20w scan, but the anxiety remained. I guess I truly started to "feel pregnant" and allowed myself to buy things and talk openly about it around 25 weeks. Even now at almost 38 weeks I have moments of awful anxiety, worrying that bump is too small, is baby ok in there etc. Friends and family have been on egg shells around me and noone has bought us anything before baby arrives because I must have scared them all off! I just want to meet baby now. Congratulations on your miracle pregnancy, I hope you get to enjoy it as the days go by!xxx

[Bexarama83]

firstly, amazing, congratulations! I’m 21.5wks today and I’ve finally started to relax a little, after the 20week scan. Feeling her wriggle around us so reassuring and helps make me feel more connected to her! The anxiety before scans is awful, but after each milestone I feel a little bit more relaxed and more excited. Best of luck for your pregnancy 💗

[Owengle123]

we’re in the same boat! I’m 23 weeks now after failed IVF. We’d basically given up and accepted a life with no children.

I wouldn’t say I’m excited even now. More overwhelmed! We’re not buying anything until the 30 week mark, so I really understand how you’re feeling.

Just being able to go to an antenatal ward was a massive milestone for me. Something I never thought I’d get to see 😊

Best of luck to you xx

[Eloquentia]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I completely understand how you feel. IVF pregnancy here after second transfer. Had a complicated fist trimester so didn't start believing it was going to last until about the 20 week scan and feeling movements. Took one day at a time, didn't buy anything and told people mostly at work on a need-to-know basis. I think I started believing it around 24 weeks when babies supposedly become 'viable'. This is when we started preparing and buying things too. 32 weeks now. Still a bit anxious, I don't think it ever fully goes away after what one has been through with the fertility and IVF journey. Hang in there, give yourself time and space to process and take it one day and week at a time. Very best of luck for an easy and straightforward pregnancy!

[Sw1234 in reply to Eloquentia]

I'm 32 weeks too so must have very similar dates 🥰 we've got a c section booked in though

[Eloquentia in reply to Sw1234]

Exciting! Very best of luck When are you booked in for?

[Sw1234 in reply to Eloquentia]

22 or 24 August 😀

[Eloquentia in reply to Sw1234]

All fingers crossed I am due the following week...eek!

[Sw1234 in reply to Eloquentia]

All the best to you and your little one. I was due on 29 Aug but my hospital do c sections the week before

[Positivechangeplease]

hi Judith! Congratulations! What I will say is don’t worry. I suffered a loss and because of this when I was pregnant I was highly anxious and refusing to get excited. Even once the 12 week scan went well, I think I wasn’t okay until the one at 22 weeks. Even after that I was really adverse to going to look at baby clothes and I think it took a friend when I was well over 30 weeks to start looking at clothes and items. Suffice to say, I lost a lot of excitement and ended up going through the motions.

[Lolalules]

We allowed ourselves to celebrate each milestone (e.g. went for a coffee after 12wk scan and talk a little about the baby)… but I didn’t start feeling excited (albeit still nervous) until I was 28 weeks and the chance of survival was much higher. We did say we’d buy a onesie at 20 weeks and because we’d planned it that felt good… but I struggled to talk or share much about my pregnancy outside of with my husband. I found with others it was too OTT and positive and it made me uncomfortable x

[Corchi]

after 8 miscarriages in total I get excited when he is out and I’m holding him!!!!

That’s extreme of course!

What weeks did you do nipt? I am 10 weeks

[Cinderella5 in reply to Corchi]

Aww honey, I totally get that....my mind was blown when they arrived! I don't even know if I got excited then either.🤯 Extreme is what loss and IVF drives you to. I'm really pleased you are doing well.🤗 xx

[Corchi in reply to Cinderella5]

well bleeding again ferociously. Nothing easy with me…. But yesterday saw the little bean and was fine so who fu***ing knows ???? It is what it is Bed rest and lentogest and prayers

[Cinderella5 in reply to Corchi]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm crossing my fingers & toes that everything is OK. Massive hugs.xxx

[Corchi in reply to Cinderella5]

thank you so much

[JudithSS in reply to Corchi]

oh love how stressful! How are you doing? We had the test at 10w+5 I think and the results were 6 days later, we went private not nhs x

[Cinderella5]

If I'm honest I didn't get excited at all.😪 I really hope that isn't the same for you though. I had loads of failures under my belt and I guess it was my way of coping. Good luck.xxx

[Emilye92x]

Huge congratulations!! What a roller coaster of emotions that must have been for you! Hope you're feeling okay 💕

For me there wasn't a particular time in the pregnancy, it was a lot of ups and downs. Pregnancy after loss is so difficult to process and I would advise to just take it day by day and really revel in the good days! Probably until about 28 weeks I found myself saying, 'all being well...' if anyone asked me anything about the baby

I wasn't 100% reassured until I was holding my little guy in my arms if I'm totally honest, but overall I would say that I did enjoy my pregnancy.

Best of luck going forward and hope you have a smooth pregnancy journey xxx

[StarsAllAround]

Hi Judith I was super anxious at the start of my pregnancy kept thinking the worst, had a private scan at 16 weeks because I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then when my lo started kicking in a regular pattern and after our 20 week scan, my anxiety sort of disappeared and I began to relax every little kick reassuring me everything was ok. Then I was able to start decorating nursery and buy things and felt a little excited. I still had the odd day of pregnancy imposter syndrome though and my anxiety kicked back in a little towards the end of the pregnancy as I started worrying I would go over due and something bad would happen. I'm currently feeding my 3 month old little girl and there are still days it just doesn't feel real to me. Please don't be hard on yourself for not feeling excited and don't listen to other people who tell you how you should be feeling. What you are feeling is completely normal for someone who has struggled with fertility issues. Be kind to yourself and just take it day by day. When you start feeling your little one move try to let each kick reassure you. There is also no shame or judgement in speaking about how your feeling to your midwife if you feel you need extra support. X

[McQueeny]

I think it’s so understandable. I was excited on some level, but so cautious I wouldn’t say it out loud and didn’t look at baby stuff till at least 27 weeks….

Don’t know if this will help but it might a bit , to see the number change every week:

datayze.com/miscarriage-rea...

[JudithSS]

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies! It’s made me feel less alone and more “normal” about it all! We have our dating scan on Monday and find out what we’re having so hopefully I’ll find some joy in that. I’ll also stop worrying about the feels and hopefully they will come x

[AuroraXen]

As others have found, I think post 20 weeks scan was a turning point for me. I still had anxiety after this when her movements seemed to drop off, but this was around the time I felt 'this really could be ok'. I barely bought a thing until 30 weeks, but started researching what we'd need as we moved through the late 20s. It's very hard though - all the way through I added 'she's due 1st of July, God-willing' almost to cover myself. Hope you're managing, just keep moving through each little milestone Lovely xx