Support needed

[mummamouse]

My daughter is 5. Never posted here before but I need help, support, ideas or to be honest absolutely anything from people in similar situations.

She has been full on since the word go. She non stop screamed as a baby and yoyo’d from explosive diarrhoea nappies to so constipated her bottom would bleed. I took her to the doctors and they told me to cut food groups (breast feeding) and it should get better. It didn’t. I went back and they sent her stools off for testing - believe this was to look for a milk intolerance? Although they were never very clear. But all was well apparently- but it continued - I took her back and they advised just moving her to formula. Again was another struggle which didn’t seem to make anything better. Once we introduced food things seemingly got better.

Other than her screaming crying, throwing up, hungry cycle. She was just a ‘needy’ baby’ apparently.

She never spoke much when she was younger only screaming, no sense of danger.

And an inability to understand discipline or consequences which is a problem to this day.

As she’s got older she’s got violent, destructive, very manipulative and is a chronic liar.

She’s hurt her older brother (7) more times than I can count and has left scars - now hurts her school ‘friends’ although she seems almost incapable of maintaining a friendship. Tells school elaborate stories about anything possible.

Then there’s toileting, we started training at 2-1/2 and we didn’t seem to have too many issues - other than yo-yo constipation (but not as severe as when she was a baby)

Then she started wetting and messing on the floor and as she just used to scream it wasn’t always clear what she needed.

We had 101 potties and charts and god knows everything else. Her behaviour was flagged as unusual with health visitor and we had to do questionnaires every few months (tick box age related things?) and she was behind but not enough - on every single one - this carried on to nursery.

Nursery were LESS than helpful. She started at age 4 and still hadn’t got the hang of toileting. I explained to them and sent them with almost an over night bag of everything they could need and had my health visitor in to see them too.

But: ‘we can’t spend all day in the toilet with one child’

‘She doesn’t even try’

‘Do you even discipline her at home?’

‘You would benefit from a parenting class’

And then they put her back in nappies and called me up to the school to do every change.

She went up to reception, same issues, more violence, two years behind the rest of the group but never anything done we managed to get her out of nappies but then a cycle seemed to develop 2/3 good weeks 2/3 bad ones with wee and poo accidents - she is either not phased and lies or screams blue murder. No inbetween. But we weren’t in nappies! And I was hell bent we wouldn’t go back.

Then to year one and we got referred to the continence clinic who have just had me do the input and output sheets, but nothing else. Her teacher notes her inability to understand when she’s wrong & doesnt care about loosing her break times, he said she is very behind and still lashes out at people daily. But he is understanding and helpful (already dreading loosing him come September)

But I broke the other day, after poo all over the bathroom and her stood on her bed and wetting all over the mattress and duvet and lying about it and she’s back in nappies. She’s since wet and pooed in nappies and isn’t bothered. I’m sick of playing ‘find the pee’ sick of my house stinking, of other parents looking at her funny & more than anything - sick of getting no help - I’m not sure I can cope?! What the hell do I do? Who do I call? Do I take her to the doctors?!

Well done if you got this far, I’m at a complete loss and no idea where to turn or what to do. 💕

[mummamouse]

My god that’s so long I’m sorry!x

[Ellenloraine]

My god you poor thing, maybe you should make an appointment with doc for yourself and explain how run down u are by everything, maybe they could point u in the right direction to at least get some support, its so hard and so many judgemental people out there, realy hope you get some help soon, keep strong

[MrsKS30]

‘As she’s got older she’s got violent, destructive, very manipulative and is a chronic liar.’

Sounds so tough, hope you get some support with GP.

I think the toileting issues will improve if she gets help with the above in terms of her behaviour. Sounds like you need professional help such as a child psychologist to help her control her anger and caring nothing for consequences. This is not your fault, she just needs some expert help and you need extra support with her. Best of luck ❤️

[mummamouse in reply to MrsKS30]

She’s told people I let her play with knives? She’s been to the moon on a school trip?

People are always ‘hurting her’ but honestly you wouldn’t know she’s lying - she does it with complete ease and has no conscience.

Everyone has noticed as well - I honestly thought I was mad until I mentioned it to family!

She steals stuff and hides it in bizarre places - normally things like little toys, blue tack, buttons but she’s even had a car phone mount, £10 note and my purse?! When asked why she wanted them or took them or even if it was her that took them she will be blank and say ‘I don’t know’ and honestly it gets infuriating!

I learnt early that telling her off in usual ways had no effect, problem is we’ve yet to find something that does xx

[AMOGO]

I truly feel for you; please can I share this with a health visitor friend who has now left the NHS as she was being overstretched. It will remain completely anonymous. You need proper support from somewhere this has been going on too long and just because she isn't 'behind' enough that doesn't mean she doesn't need help.

[Robinia]

I know constipation can have a huge impact on behaviour and mental health-it has with my son throughout his childhood.

However I agree with the other replies that I would push for further assessment- preferably from a paediatrician. I have a background of working with kids with additional needs and sometimes things like ASD don’t get picked up, particularly in girls. However I’m deffo not trying to diagnose your child, just think she would benefit from further assessment and support. I pushed and pushed pushed and my son has paediatrician, paediatric surgeon, highly specialised clinical health psychologist, occupational therapist, specialist pain doctor. Might sound dreadfully over the top but it’s all been necessary and helpful. (All on the nhs).

Usually the hardest bit is finding the right person to get referred to and getting the GP to do a good referral. I have typed up notes myself and taken them to the GP and told him who he needs to refer to!!

Once you have a professional involved they often are for ages (hard to discharge unless there is improvement).

If she does have a social communication disorder like ASD then constipation is more common and also more difficult for them to cope with. My son does not have ASD but has had such extreme behaviour at times that we’ve had to take him to A&E to keep him and us safe. All because of severe constipation. So glad you posted and hopefully this will help you feel that we all have your back. Feel free to look through my previous posts and you will see what we as a family have been through. Luckily the violence is reduced greatly now for us but there were some serious incidents before half term- he was completely blocked. Luckily the disimpaction we did over half term has helped and for once he was able to pass wind so didn’t blow up like a balloon as much as had done before. But without all the health support we have had, I don’t know how we would have coped. This forum has also kept me sane!!!!! ♥️

[mummamouse]

Just thank you all so much. I feel so lost and at every turn I’ve just been told that she’s ‘young’ and young is fine but our family is suffering - I have to be constantly aware of where and what she is doing. I actually fear her hurting her brothers & with the 7yr old that’s not too bad, but the other is only just coming 5 months & honestly it’s scary.

Will take her to the doctors and push more, just feel constantly fobbed off that she’s just an ‘August baby’ one of her teachers said she’ll just be behind until she leaves primary and expected me to be okay with it?!

I always feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere - just thank you for letting me get it out and not being met with judgement - I’m so tired!xxx

[Markella in reply to mummamouse]

It's so much easier for the teachers to say it's an "August baby" or your fault, than really look into the problem. You and your daughter desrve the right help. Stay strong!

[mummamouse]

I’ve done it! I’ve booked her in at the doctors and I’m already sweating with anxiety😂 but hopefully next week we take a step in the right direction x

[Robinia]

if you get the chance do some research online about what is available locally in terms of what you are asking to be referred to. I found the clinical health psychology dept at the local hospital by googling. Also if possible get the school to write something about what they have noticed. Recently I applied for an EHCP for my son. It did get turned down but he had a comprehensive assessment from an educational psychologist as part of it and I’m probably going to appeal the decision.

Unfortunately you do have to shout really hard to be heard sometimes xx

[mummamouse in reply to Robinia]

Thank you that’s really helpful - how am I best doing it? Just googling children’s services in the area?

Really appreciate the help!xx

[Robinia in reply to mummamouse]

That’s how I would do it. And also if you are on Facebook or anything similar look for parent groups (others on here might be able to recommend some, I’m not on Facebook). One of the things that helped me and my son the most was finding other people experiencing the same problems and then seeing what they were doing about it. I actually emailed the consultant of a child we met and he agreed to see my child, I took his email to the GP and he then did the referral.

I think me typing up my concerns and taking it to the GP helped. Also speak to school and find out exactly what is happening and what they have noticed. Your child is 5 so hopefully you can find some online parent groups and find out if they recommend a particular service or doctor locally. I’ve just re- read your email and I can see some of your concerns relate to school. Book a meeting with the SENCO and ask school what they have in place in terms of extra support for your daughter.

From your email it sounds as though you have quite a few concerns so might be best to start with asking for a paediatrician referral (but some are more use than others tbh) which is why local info is always helpful

[AMOGO]

Well done on making the appointment I think you need to push for a referral to the community paediatrician for a full review. Good luck and let us know how you get on.