Bedwetting and domestic violence

[NEBAG]

My experience of bedwetting is one I am extremely ashamed of, especially due to the way my parents handled it.

It was Christmas 1997, and for the first time in my life I had to spend the season without my mother (she had to go to Jamaica, where she came from originally, to go to her aunt's funeral) and this was a time of great agony for me. When I experienced daytime and nighttime urination, my father would savage me, verbally and physically. When my mum returned from Jamaica and I told her about it, she defended him. I should point out that I had had a long history of enuresis previously, but this time it had become extreme and uncontrollable. She had never been OK about my bedwetting, especially as she had a job and was under a bit of stress. My enuresis continued for a long time for about a year, and understandably it pushed both my parents to the limit.

At the time there was a lot going on in my life - I was suffering cruel verbal bullying at school (which no one was doing anything about) and I was also having a schoolgirl crush that was taking over my head and disrupting my preparations for my GCSEs. It had been 3 years since I was diagnosed as autistic, and there were a lot of ways in which I was not considered as "normal" and this was obviously one of them (I didn't know whether it was the norm for a 15-year -old to regularly wet the bed).

This was a long time ago, but I feel worse about it now than I did at the time. I have researched bedwetting and the advice given by the NHS is that parents should not punish their children or tell them off. So I can't understand why neither my mum nor my dad was lenient with me when I was wetting the bed. I used to feel guilty about it, but now it seems they were the guilty ones for the way they dealt with it.

I hope that by sharing this experience of mine, I will be able to reach out to someone and that they would be able to relate.

[Misty10]

Bless you don't feel ashamed you wouldn't of know any different. I have no advice but I feel if u needed support or someone to talk to. Talking therapy are good your need to see your Dr and confide in them. Proud of you for opening up.tc x

[OlivesYou]

Thank you for your courage to share your story.💕

[Frustratedmum1]

Thank you for Sharing.

[Slice]

Oh NEBAG, my heart is aching for you! Are you still wetting the bed? There is a correlation between high functioning autism (HFA)/Asperger's syndrome and bedwetting. Bedwetting would not be surprising in your teens with the environment that you were living in. Sadly, your parents weren't well educated on all of these things. I'm only guessing that they followed the traditional thoughts and practices of your culture. Even with out that, there are still parents in many places in the world who still think that bedwetting is a bad thing and is the fault of the child. Most common thought is that they are just lazy. It's been shown clearly that this is just not true. I mean come on! Who wants to wet their bed and wake up in a cold wet bed smelling of urine? If you don't mind, how old are you now? Despite what has happened to you, you sound like a beautiful young woman. I have to agree that it sounds like you need help coming to terms with all of this. I dealt with abuse to a certain extent, the majority of it from my father. It was something that I wrestled with for a long time because I was in no doubt about the fact that my father loved me, but he was always hard on me. His way of teaching was by criticizing rather than suggestions, encouragement or praise. So many things many of them little things that he made a big deal out of, and some of it off the wall. I also deal with ADD (attention deficit disorder) and anxiety. Because much of the anxiety was with me since childhood, I'm under the impression that it's from something in the brain rather than situational causes. I've come to terms with it, partly because I'm understanding better the effects that the ADD and anxiety have had on all of this. I am getting to a better place as I am in counseling weekly. There are other things that have helped as well. I was still stressed about the situation with my father for a long time and I hadn't had great relationships with him. My dad died in 2007 from Parkinson's and Parkinson's dementia. He and my mom moved to the west coast I think around 2000 so I hadn't had a lot of to be with him. (I'm on the east coast of the US.) BTW, I'm 62 now and will be 63 in October. My mom died around 6 years ago at the age of 85 from both a heart problem and sepsis from a wound on her leg. Do you still have a relationship with your parents? If so, work on letting go of the hurt from what has happened in the past as you can't change that, but perhaps you can mend/improve the relationship you have with them. There is something else that I would like you to do. Get a hold of two books (or Ebooks) by Jodee Blanco. The first is: "Please Stop Laughing at Me", and the second is "Please Stop Laughing at Us". I truly believe that it is good therapy for those who have dealt with bullying. It may help you understand things about it a little better and let go of the hurt and pain. Hang in there and stay strong. Above all, remember that what has happened IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! Be proud of having the courage to post here and share your story.

[NEBAG in reply to Slice]

I am 36. And yes, I still have both my parents. As I say this incident was a long time ago but as I have grown older I have gained more insight and been able to see more clearly what happened to me as a child and how the things I did affected others. This is all behind me now, but I guess bad life experiences are like stains on the soul you can't completely wash away. I still remember what happened, and I have not fully reconciled with it. I still have the feeling of "If only..." But time is a healer and it has healed the relationship I have with my parents, for which I am most grateful.

[Slice in reply to NEBAG]

Nebag, at the beginning of all of this you say that you were extremely ashamed. Why would you be ashamed? That would suggest that you have intentionally done something wrong. I can only imagine that you were being told that you were wrong, or that you weren't trying hard enough to stop. This of course is far from the truth. I still have trouble understanding how parents can actually think or believe that their kids aren't trying hard enough, or are being lazy. Do parents actually think that their kids like waking up in a cold wet bed, or smelling like urine, or having to miss sleepovers because the other kids will, in many cases, be cruel to them?

[Slice]

That is AWESOME!!!!!! It is so great to hear that there is a good relationship with you and your parents. "if only" what? If only you had done things differently? Your parents? What does it matter? You can't turn time back and change things. One of the other things to remember is that often times, the reason parents treat their kids the way they do has something to do with the way they were treated. While I knew this many, many years earlier, I got a lesson in this when my father and I were visiting his father. I won't go into details, but I'm guessing that his father was much the same way with him. I'm told that my grandfather was also very opinionated and judgemental.

[Lemonjelly72]

Its terrible how some parents deal with it.I use to bed wet when I was younger but my lovely mom dealt with it in a great manner so It stopped very quick.

Love you mom where ever you are