Help! I want a baby so bad, but partner isn't ready ...and I have endometriosis!

Im a 30 year old Primary School Teacher and my Fiancé in a 31 year old University Lecturer.

We have been together since we were 16 and 17 years old and are due to get married June 2023.

I brought up the conversation of children first when I was around 25 (we'd been together around 9 years by then) but my partner wasn't and was wholly focussed completing his PHD, so we chose to focus on education first which I fully supported.

I then brought up the conversation of children again once he graduated in 2021, and we discussed trying for a baby after the wedding (June 2023) with the clause of one of us needing to be in a permanent job (he was on temporary contracts at tis points and I just re-trained to be a teacher). This year my partner finally got offered a permanent contract (HOORAY! This means babies after the wedding this year) so I brought up starting a family again thinking this is what we had agreed. He extended the goal posts again, and said I he thought 'after the wedding' meant within a year or two, but I took it to mean " let's get going on our wedding night."

I explained how I had taken the initial conversation and his response was " I still need to be ready." I totally understand this, however, fast forward to Jan 2023 and I've just been diagnosed with endometriosis. I think every woman has that fear they won't be able to get pregnant or will have fertility issues and this diagnosis is making that fear way more likely.

I'm now 30, with endometriosis and want to start trying for a baby ASAP, not just because I want children but I don't want to wait 2 more years, then spend a year trying and realising there are fertility issues, then spend another year getting treatments and then suddenly I'm having my first baby at 35, which STILL can come with higher risks once you're pregnant!

I feel like the time time is now considering the medical side of things but I can't force my partner to be ready. I just don't know what to do .

[Lindle]

I think what he needs is information to face what this all means. First of all do you know what severity your endo is - how were you diagnosed?

[Louna24]

Hi,

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

I can’t give you any advise as everyone is different but my personal experience is that we met 4 years ago when we were 28/29 years old so definitely not as long as you but because I was almost 30 already, very quickly even when we were not a thing yet, i asked him if he wanted children, he said yes. When? we didn’t know. Every time we talked about it he was freaking out, looking at me like are you trying to say your are pregnant now. You can’t be pregnant now I am not ready.

Until I asked him why do you freak out so much. Why do you feel you are not ready. And after talking through all his fears of basically “what if I am not good enough” I explained to him that everybody have the same thought like what if I drop the baby etc. And after that we talked about it many times even joking about it and he told me that helped him a lot to realise that he is never going to be “ready” but he does want children sooner than later.

So maybe try to find out why he is not ready. Might be some very valid reasons that will help you accept that you may have to wait a little longer. Or maybe juste like my fiancé just some natural fears that he needs to talk through.

Just like you, we are getting married this year and we would like to try after. I am 34 only got diagnosed 6 months ago with severe stage 4 endo, I have no idea if I can get pregnant even if my gynaecologist told me my ovaries are healthy. If it works i’ll be pregnant at 35. It’s scary and i understand the risk but I hope it will work.

Wish you all the best.

[Hidden in reply to Louna24]

Thank you for replying.

We have had in depth conversations about why he isn't ready and initially it was because he wanted to finish studying-fair enough.

Then it was, I need one of us to be in a full time job to feel financially stable - fair enough and now done.

Then it was lets get the wedding out of the way-it's almost here so I brought it back up an again new goal post-I don't feel mentally ready yet and you need to settle into your new job give it another year or two.

The goal posts keep changing - now with ends in the mix I just feel a bit at a crossroads. At what point is it too far gone to start-I would like more than one child also . . .

[TennisAM in reply to Hidden]

It seems like he's making a new excuse each time. I think it's time for him to be honest about what's holding him back and whether he definitely wants children. I wonder if he's worried that you'll leave him. I hope you get clarity soon. If it were me I'd start deciding whether it's worth it without children and whether you'll resent him if things drag out and you can't conceive. Best wishes

[Ronsk]

Hi there,I think you need to tell him that time is not on your side with endo and if he keeps putting it off there is a strong possibility of not having any children.

Also with fertility treatment. This is a very stressful and emotional rollercoaster. The hormones play with your mind etc, I'm talking from personal experience..

I think he needs to educate himself on endometriosis now he's completed his training.

It's great that he wants kids but he needs to act fast for both your sake because if he hold off on this and your endo progresses and you need further treatment this will impact you both massively in regards to health and mental wellbeing. Like I said I'm talking from personal experience sorry if I'm being blunt. I'm 40 now with no kids sadly despite 5 rounds of ivf (they wont do ivf after 40 yrs of age) and several laps to burn endo away..I hope things work out for you both.

[Felma]

never had pregnancy by chance or" accidental"?

[Hidden in reply to Felma]

never been pregnant no, no accidents, no losses , nothing x

[Felma]

age Is v imp even withou

[Avourneen]

I'm sorry Bro, this must be really stressful. It sounds tome like he is making excuses and changing them each time. I could be completely wrong but I think the advice here is really good ask him why he is changing the goal posts. It's harder to get pregnant after 35 anyway as your eggs aren't such good quality, IVF treatment can make endo much worse, and endo may well complicate things.

If your endo gets very bad it will probably be too painful to have sex, this doesn't happen for everyonebut for many women it is the case. It seems a bit strange that your husband doesnt seem concerned.

Lots of women have mild endo for a while and it doesn't affect ther fertility but it is a progressive disease so it can get worse. Try to find out how serious your endo is you should have been given a stage in your diagnosis. I think you need to find out what your husbands reasons for not appreaing to want a babay areand then explain to him you don't have a limitless time frame for this and that if he keeps obfuscating your chances will be greatly reduced. Explain too that you have been asking about this for years and that he doesn't seem to be acknowledging what a big issue this is for you and that he seems to be changing the goalposts. Be very straight with him about how unhappy it is making you.

I'm 50 and always wanted children but only met the right guy in my late thirties. I have endo but couldn't have children as my eggs were too old, plus my womb was damaged so I couldn't carry.I've come to terms with it and am fine about it now but fertility is not a given and your husband seems as though he should be markedly more enthusiastic if he wants a family. Good luck xxx

[Tttt4444]

I think you need to ask him if never having children would upset him because having endometriosis and being thirty the longer you wait there is more of possibility of never being able to conceive….and you should tell him not many people feel ready to be a parent before their child is born

[Tttt4444]

also I read someone else’s response and they asked what stage your endo was but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter what stage your endo is you could have fertility problems even with mild endo ….and from what I read a lot of times people with unexplained fertility problems are caused by mild undiagnosed endo

[Tttt4444]

I am speaking as someone who had two children my first at nineteen and second at twenty two and I was definitely in no way ready to be a parent but I am so grateful every day that I had my children when I was able ….I would rather have struggled financially the way I did to raise them then to have waited and never have been able to have children at all

[ZiggyandBC]

Hey, I totally get that you wanna get cracking with trying for a baby especially after your diagnosis. I also have endo and was told that our only option was IVF so we wanted to get started immediately. Have you spoken to your fiancé about the possibility of there being issues with fertility? If he knows it might take a while he might be more willing to start trying now rather than in a few years. Have you also spoken to him about whether or not he absolutely wants kids? Perhaps he’s trying to put it off if he’s not 100% sure it’s what he wants. I think you definitely both need to want this as much as the other before you start trying so you can have that support from each other in case things don’t go as planned. Also just wanted to end it on the note that hopefully you won’t have any issues at all and plenty of women with endo get pregnant easily so I hope that’s the case for you! Hope you and your partner can decide on what’s best for you both xx

[George21]

hi so sorry to hear this as it’s so familiar. I’m 39 and spent most of my life in your husbands shoes. When I finally gave into my husbands requests for a baby we had a several year journey ahead and at times it was rocky. We have a 3 yr boy now thank God but the turmoil is only just calming down. Because of the endo I am infertile and we had to go through IVF.

I tell you this as I know, if it comes to the worst case for you, your relationship needs to be strong and you need to be working towards the same thing together. My personal opinion is you need to find out if kids are really on the cards and how hard he’s willing to fight for them.

Once again I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope your dreams come true.