Post op intimacy struggles

[RainbowBeth]

Hi all, sorry for an awkward post, any advice would be helpful... don’t feel I can ask anyone else as they don’t really understand.

So 6 months ago I had invasive endo surgery.. and a second op 10 weeks ago to reverse my temp stoma affectionately called Stella. Needless to say during the last 6 months there have been times when I have wanted some attention from the husband, however stopped it due to my insecurities about Stella. Since the reversal and in the last 1-2 weeks in particular it feels like things have started to wake up from hibernation if you know what I mean.. but the problem is as soon as anything starts I get all tense, freeze and there goes any hope of anything really... any advice on how I can relax and not think that things are going to be as bad as they were pre op?

Would be nice to start enjoying life again, as endo has sucked a lot out of me recently and this is one area I would like to fight back at!

TIA x

[Queenie73]

It’s all about the head space so;

1. Glass of wine (no more than a glass)

2. Soak in bath with aromatherapy bubbles and sexy nightie

3. Set rules that no pressure to have actual intercourse, as mutual masturbation can be just as good.

4. See what happens

[RainbowBeth in reply to Queenie73]

Best go get some sexy nighties and through out my comfy pjs 😂 yea it’s hard the no pressure thing as I feel I should be better lol. Hubby is supportive just I don’t feel like me. I guess it will come with time. Thanks for the reply, it’s made me feel better x

[ccsmith]

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time and the pressure of everything being ok now is a lot. I agree with the last lady - take the pressure away by doing somethings just for you to help you relax. Music is helpful as may stop that naughty voice in your head. I watched that sex counselling programme that was on a little while ago. They gave advice to a lady who’s body image had changed through ill health. They set a challenge of not having actual intercourse but do everything else - touching and getting to know each other again. Then the pressure is taken away sensations are heightened and then when it actually goes that last step your not thinking “is this going to hurt” your feeling pleasure.

It sounds like your partner is there for you even when you had ‘Stella’ which is a big thing.

Relax and take your time

Xx

[RainbowBeth in reply to ccsmith]

Thanks for the reply. He’s been amazing, it’s been hard on him as well.

I think it is about us reconnecting again, so I guess I shall start looking into it and suggesting some ideas.

This flipping endo proper messes with my head! X

[katie26]

You need to communicate. I went through the exact same procedure and reversal. However we were totally open about my stoma he watched me change it, empty it, helped me clean up leaks.... so not much could top the embarrassment.

I would maybe broach the subject with him, tell him you are feeling insecure and allow him to reassure you.

You’ve been through so so so much it’s only natural to feel strange. Connecting again after a while is also hard. So maybe plan a weekend away get your hair down and preened make sure you feel good about yourself and confident and don’t think too much about it.

It will be a natural process xxx

[RainbowBeth in reply to katie26]

It was soo intrusive having Stella. Hubby did help sometimes, like holding the bag in place etc. It’s more that I have struggled with how my body has changed and the scars aren’t very flattering! I have wept and wept telling him how it makes me feel, sometimes I don’t think it does in lol. But recently there has been more reassurance but I feel that it is just lip service and that he feels he has to say it (even though deep deep down I know he means what he is saying) hard to take complements when I feel like I look minging!

I think you are right a weekend away would be a good idea to plan. We can have time away somewhere neutral with no expectations. It’s annoying because all the expectations are my end not his. He is just happy to be able to cuddle up again x

[ccsmith in reply to RainbowBeth]

Have you tried some nice nighties or undies that can hide the scars while your feeling a little insecure. Also maybe have the lights off or low so you don’t feel so “on show”. Big hugs and take your time the passion is still there and will come.

Best wishes xx

[RainbowBeth in reply to ccsmith]

Thanks for the hugs.

Yea it’s deffo lights off. Think I need new bed wear lol. But a bit of sexy might actually help. So I will research some on my day off tomorrow. It’s all comfy stuff and nothing seems to hide the scars are they are in obvious places. I think with them it more that I don’t like what my body has been through. They will fade, all my others have and I can hardly see them now.

I think I am just feeling sorry for myself at the moment, have been processing the surgery more and more which has been hard. I joke with my mum that I might have PTSD due to endo! X

[Bellabellaboo]

All of the tips above are great! It takes time...be gentle and kind to yourself...blindfolding your partner might be a way to add some fun and spice in the bedroom while you regain a bit of confidence!!!! 😜 different positions could possibly help as well to take focus of some parts of your body and redirect...again just to help build confidence not as a forever solution cause you need to get a point where you can feel comfortable in your own skin. I also recommend seeing a psychologist...you sort of half joke about PTSD, but it is a big thing and surgery does impact us mentally! I think talking it through, unpacking it and getting help to great strategies to help you process all of this would be super helpful. Best of luck to you x