how do you manage the differing opinions on bringing forward starting a family?

[foursimplewords]

I am not wasting my breath for an argument about this just yet with my partner but it has been quietly bothering me. I am awaiting my lap date (endo suspected, not confirmed yet - hence not having an in depth discussion). I have said to my partner that this may mean we have to start our family fairly soon as endo can lead to infertility/longer times to get pregnant, growing back/scarring up tubes etc. He has always just shaken his head and said no I don't want a family now, I want to wait until we have a mortgage first (that will be years off for us). I've tried to say to him just bear in mind you may not have that luxury but let's not talk about it too much now.

However it is bugging me a bit. I know someone must never be forced into kids, but at the same time I am a little upset that he doesn't seem to understand the implications of this condition (I have told him several times the above re. fertility/surgeons usually suggesting getting on with starting a family after a surgery/'clean out' etc.)

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you manage it?

EDIT - I meant to say that we are getting married very shortly too

[princessk09]

Hey, I’m waiting for a lap and the doctors told me about how endo can affect fertility but I’m 19 so a bit young yet for kids haha. Anyways I always have the fear of what if I can’t have them etc.

My boyfriend knows and he’s quite supportive. I think some guys understand straight away and others don’t care or hate talking about period related stuff as they don’t put themselves in our shoes.

Have you suggested he comes to appointment with you? Or get him to read articles online, Endometriosis UK are good and legit. They have a section on endo and relationships.

I’m sorry he’s not being understanding or realising how serious this condition can be.

[luthien]

Hey, it's a difficult situation to be in.

Endo can affect fertility and then again it can have no affect, it's not an easy thing to plan lie around.

I've always gone with the idea of some things happen for a reason - I'm not religious just spiritual. It's up to us to make the most of the time and enjoy the little positives life brings us, live in the moment.

Yes we all want to plan for the future, but at the same time no-one knows what's around the corner...so we need to be in the present. be here, be now, do what feels right at this time.

Your boyfriends plans stem from him wanting to support you, he loves and cares about you and wants to have a stable environment for children, that includes relationship, house, money etc. It makes sense!

Some things to think about:

Did you and your boyfriend get together with the idea of having children as soon as possible? May be you're still getting to know each other and what works, enjoy your time as a couple, really know each other and this endo.

Did it come up in discussions? If not then it's probably a shock to him that it's a pressure point now.

Would you have children at this point now if you didn't have suspected endo? If not because your relationship isn't ready, or you're not so don't push it otherwise it'll split you both.

Do you have a list of things you'd like to do as a couple? If there are things on your list complete those when you're well enough to.

You don't need to answer the above out loud! Just remember what's meant to be just is; sometimes life has a plan and for whatever reason it's possibly put endo there, perhaps it's a thought point, a pause in your life to consider what and whom really matters. Focus on yourself; focus on really appreciating those that care about you, spend time with them, make it all special - we don't live long - plans can become obsessions so be careful and focus on now.

The past is gone that's why it's called history, tomorrow is yet to come that's why it's called the future, and today is a gift so we call it the present

[kate24601]

I'm in exactly the same position! I'd always planned to have kids at 25ish after a wedding, and this was always our life plan but when I found out it might be difficult, we considered moving it to next year. My fiance was always very anti kid but was set on not having a kid til we're older (I'm 21). I'd always mentioned it to him but it only ever got him antsy, til last weekend when I broke down in tears (bc of a stressful week at work) and told him that it wasn't helping that I was so stressed about a family, as I was told childbirth is the only option left to stop my heavy periods.

We set a sort of time frame, said we'd stop talking about it for now and come back to it in 6 months to decide whether to start trying or leave it a while longer. It feels nice having it effectively out of mind for a while, even though the stress and pain are still present, and it's been nice to have him agree that if it happens earlier, it happens earlier.

The only upset in my mind is I feel like we should be married first, I'd feel more comfortable if we were but I know beggars can't be choosers! I'd say a conversation with him about how much it's really affecting you is in order, and good luck with it! x

[foursimplewords in reply to kate24601]

oh gosh it's really hard isn't it, I'm sorry to hear you're going through it xx