I want to help my girlfriend but this is so new to me...I need some help!

[GazS]

My gf has had Endo since her early 20’s, we’re both in our mid 30’s now, previously she’s had a very long relationship and a short marriage both ended badly partly because of the endo’s physical effect, the mental issues it created and the ex-husband just wasn’t right for her.

She’s been through a lot of hard times, pain and sadness over the years and lost a job she loves as well as having to give up her normal life to start over from scratch, working on her health but whilst being unemployed.

We met briefly on holiday last summer and started talking and then fell for each other over text and phone calls after hours of long deep conversations about everything inside us and who we are and after 6/7 weeks of talking we met again for our first date and it was perfect. Since then it’s been amazing, she’s the most wonderful amazing woman I’ve ever met and she’s all I’ve ever wanted in a woman, a best friend and my partner. And I know she feels the same we’ve made it clear to each other how we feel. I’ve had a couple of long relationships end badly, lost a job I loved, had my own physical and mental issues and I went to the bottom and started over again. I have found that happy place I want to be in now so I can relate to some of the situations she has been through and is going through apart from the Endo element which is new to me.

She has reminded me about her past relationships and has given me the chance to get out before it’s too late...well I’m not going anywhere unless it’s with her.

She’s told me her story how she worked a demanding job, rushing around, constant multi-tasking, working ridiculously long hours and not taking time for breaks and how it drained all her energy and that it made her shut off from her ex partners and she didn’t want to talk to anyone because she didn’t have the energy for it.

Because she can’t have kids she has convinced herself about having to be successful at work and making money, having nice things, a nice home and holidays etc but she can only be successful by doing a crazy busy job that works her into the ground making her work all the hours under the sun.

Her specialist has signed her off only to work part time hours which frustrates her more. I’ve suggested she do freelance work and be her own boss so she can work to her own schedule but she’s adamant she loves doing a busy multi-tasking job with no real focus just a lot of running around. I think she just likes the idea of being busy and useful, being in a team and around people, which is understandable. I think she needs to consider a career change but can’t figure out how to talk to her about it without her getting annoyed and saying she can’t earn any money otherwise and can’t live.

She’s started working part time and they are making her do more than her normal job, work extra hours because it’s the busy hospitality industry and she’s not getting regular breaks and not eating properly. Because of that she’s exhausted after work and gets home late, has to walk the dog and then it’s bed time if she’s got another shift the next day or because she’s so tired and drained she doesn’t want to talk. We’re currently in a long distance relationship between London & the Netherlands and she’s an hour ahead so that doesn’t help us because all we can do is talk or face time at the moment. With my new job and working from home flexibility I’m spending more time out there at her place and am about to start doing 2 weeks here and 2 over there so we can practice living together with a plan of her coming to London when this contract ends in October.

The problem we’ve got now is that she’s started reverting back to her old ways of shutting off from her partner, being tired all of the time, not looking after herself but not being able to say no to things especially work and she’s now panicking that I’m getting too close and is pushing me away.

I know there’s no overnight fix and I know there’s so many different things she needs in her life now to live with Endo. I’ve researched the diet, the exercises, the kind of lifestyle needed, the different kinds of jobs that would be better for her and even have an opportunity for her to do some freelance work through a contact when she does move here to help her get started but she still only sees all the negatives and doesn’t think anything will get better because she’s already made changes but her body lets her down.

When she made the changes at first and wasn’t working she could still have some normality it just needed work on her diet and exercise to keep her strength up but since starting this job that’s all taken a big setback and I believe she’s going back round in a circle that isn’t right for her. We have talked about this and explained to each other how we feel and what this is doing to us but she says she doesn’t know how to change things in her head and is scared about me getting too close so she gets stuck in her way of thinking and by shutting me out.

I do apologise for the lengthy essay but this is really important to me and I want to know if anyone has ever experienced a similar situation and how they dealt with it and if anyone can advise if there is any professionals that she and I can talk to together for more advice?

Thanks for taking the time to read this I really appreciate it.

[jjeemm]

Hi GazS

It's so lovely to hear that you're so concerned about your girlfriend and want to do your best for her. Many women lack a supportive partner/family/friends and it really does make a huge difference to have someone who's so understanding and caring. I'm sure your g/f really does appreciate everything you do for her.

Living so far apart from each other can't be easy and just communicating electronically isn't exactly ideal. I'm sure when you're able to be together more you can support your g/f in many more practical ways, like taking the dog out for a walk for her, cooking nutritious food for her when she hasn't got time, etc., etc.

Although you want to do your very best for your girlfriend, though, I think it's important to bear in mind that she's her own woman and has to live her own life. This doesn't mean you can't be a big part in that, but at the end of the day, she's an independent and very capable adult and she has to make decisions about work, etc. for herself. The best you can do is offer advice and make suggestions but if she chooses not to follow that advice, then there's not much you can do except 'be there' and continue to support her in whatever decisions she makes and try not to say 'I told you so' if your advice turns out to be the right advice 😉!!

I know myself that although I'm very, very lucky to have a supportive partner, just like you, sometimes I feel a bit 'suffocated' and 'nagged' when he tries to do too much for me or advise me...sometimes it feels like he's telling me 'what to do' or 'taking over', which just makes me dig my heels in and do completely the opposite!!

I think you're doing exactly the right thing in talking so openly to each other about everything - you've obviously got great trust in each other....it's so important to keep the channels of communication open and make sure you're on the same wavelength. I think all you can do is tell your g/f that you love her and want to support her, but sometimes feel frustrated that she's not really helping herself...maybe ask her the question, 'What can I do to support you more? Am I giving you too much/too little support?', etc.

Anyway, I really do wish you both the best of luck going forward. It's great that you've found each other and despite the present problems it definitely sounds like you've got a very special relationship 😊.

[GazS in reply to jjeemm]

Hi jjeemm, thank you for taking the time to read my post and thank you for your advice it all rings home and makes sense especially the bit about understanding she’s an independent woman who has to do her own thing and about asking her the questions about supporting her.

I’ll definitely talk to her about these points and I do hope they help because she is talking about not having time and energy for everything in her life including me so much so that she thinks it’s just easier to let me go 🙁

[jjeemm in reply to GazS]

Oh no, you poor thing! Hang on in there! Actually it sounds like your g/f is feeling very low and run down at the moment and speaking from my own experience having endo can really make you feel very depressed and exhausted at times. After I was diagnosed properly via a lap last September I reached a very low point that lasted about 4 months or so. I was angry and upset that it had taken so long for me to get a diagnosis, that I had such a horrible condition and that it seemed I couldn't do anything about it. I just wanted my life back! It sounds like your g/f is under a huge amount of pressure at the moment trying to juggle so many things and as you rightly point out, working so hard and doing all the extra hours isn't good for her. However, as you also say, for your g/f work is giving her a sense of self-worth and making her feel 'normal'. None of us wants to think we're fit for the scrap heap, but it's about trying to find the right balance and not overdoing things so that we end up feeling worse.

I realise you're in a really difficult situation. Maybe you could suggest giving your g/f some space for a few days if that's what she'd like?? Maybe a couple of days of no contact might help her sort her head out?? Clearly though, make sure you tell her that you're still there for her any time she needs to vent, etc. sometimes just providing a sympathetic ear without making any suggestions is all it takes to make someone feel better. Also a short period of no contact can make you realise how much the other person means to you.

In the meantime try to look after yourself too. You're going through a really difficult time. Is there anyone close to you you could talk to about the current difficulties? It always makes me feel so much better to confide in someone else.

Relationships are never easy and you really do have to work very hard at them sometimes....sigh!!! Don't give up though...your g/f certainly doesn't sound like she 'wants' the relationship to end, more like she feels utterly exhausted at the moment.

Wishing you both all the very best getting through this really difficult time - try and stay strong!!

[GazS in reply to jjeemm]

Thank you jjeemm for all your advice and kind words you’ve been so helpful and I will take into consideration everything you’ve said and talk to her about it all. I really appreciate your help 😊

[jjeemm in reply to GazS]

Hi GazS

No problem at all! I'm so pleased I was able to help...it's so impressive that you've taken the time to find out about endo and to be so genuinely concerned about your g/f and to try and get some advice from other endo sufferers! I really do wish nothing but the best for you both going forward 😊😊.

[Catness]

Hey,

It’s wonderful you’re so caring and want to help your girlfriend. But like the other reply has said this needs to come from your girlfriend and your actions (although with brilliant intentions) could come across in a way they weren’t intended. Perhaps point her in the way of this website and when she’s ready she can ask some questions for herself and figure out what she needs right now?

I know it must be awfully hard to sit on the sidelines without knowing how to help or what to do. I know my partner finds it really tough. But often we just need to figure this stuff out for ourselves and when we need help, we will ask for it 😬

I agree that just letting her know you’re there for her and if there is anything you can do is brilliant. Hopefully when she’s ready and in the right place she can implement some of the managements for this disease and you’ll be a lot closer for it 😊

[GazS in reply to Catness]

Thank you for your reply too catness I’m definitely going to point her to this site and hopefully she’ll start talking to you all as well and find some new advice that’ll help her and us as a couple.

[RicEndoUK]

Hi GazS,

It's great to see a partner so caring and wanting to understand more! I hope you manage to work things out together.

There is also some helpful information on the Endometriosis UK website about couples and relationships which you both may find useful to take a look at:

endometriosis-uk.org/endome...

Hope this helps.

RicEndoUK

Volunteer Moderator

[GazS in reply to RicEndoUK]

Thank you Ric I appreacite your help and the link I’ll check it out.

[Curly22]

Hello Gaz,

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely chap and your girlfriend is so lucky to have you

I can relate to most things in your post, it can be a cruel illness. i am 39 have no children (although have now accepted this may never happen) and am still looking for Mr Right. You sound a very patient and kind person and i can only echo the comments and suggestions from the other ladies above.

All the very best and just to add a bit of humour as it's Monday, do you have any brothers lol!

xx

[GazS]

Thanks for your kind words curly I appreciate them. And unfortunately no it’s just me lol ☺️

All the best to you too!

[Alarna]

So sad to read this but endometriosis is a very difficult one it make u feel so low but not much can change it just carry on being there for each over is the best thing to and talk gynecologist or a doctors for help also

[GazS in reply to Alarna]

Thanks Alarna I appreciate your message 👍🏾

[hollyyclapp]

Hi there,

Admittedly I am a bit younger then you seem to be but I don’t know if this could help or if it’s already been suggested.

Something that’s really helped me cope with Endo & ovarian cyst ruptures & chronic pain syndrome is seeing a regular Physiotherapist and Psychotherapist. I’m not suggesting forking out for one, mine are on the NHS (obviously that’s the part you’d have to work out).

Your body will pretty much do what it wants until you learn to find a way to control it in a way that may not necessarily fix it, but help your mind to cope. The mental side of having a gynaecological illness is often a large additional stress on top of the pain etc. Learning to deal with this is the best thing i’ve ever done. I won’t say it’s easy but it’s certainly worth a go.

Seeing a psychotherapist can give your girlfriend the tools in the toolbox to build a life that takes into account health and all the other things she wants to do. In my life I currently have to study and work . This means I have to experience pain and not let it phase me. What I’ve been taught is techniques to help me relax at night and recharge my body and learning what it the right amount of work for my body. This is something that is key to having a normal life when your health seems to attempt to prevent this. Your girlfriend should begin to see (possibly with someone else’s help) that what the mind believes, the body achieves. When you know what’s best for your body and how to take its messages to you into account, your work life will begin to be built around it.

I feel her pain, wanting to do the things you want to do but being constantly tired. Learning to relax properly and being given a phsyiotherapy plan to rebuild strength can ultimately lead to increased happiness because you’re stronger and sleeping more efficiently so your body can achieve more. This could maybe help solve your girlfriends worries about your relationship that were caused by her previous relationship.

Things are never being to become easy overnight, but learning how your body works best for you to be able to achieve your goals and accepting that sometimes less is more - what you may lack in a job, you can gain in your relationships and personal life.

Obviously I’m not trying to rule out that you’re already aware of all this and I don’t know if this has already been suggested. But from my personal situation this is the best I could come up with. Mental strength is often the key to building physical strength and your girlfriend is obviously an ambitious and hardworking person and can absolutely work out the best solutions along with your amazing guidance.

On a personal note, I hope I am lucky enough to find a man so caring and selfless as to try and find women in similar situations to find advice for me. You’re doing a brilliant job - something a lot of people can’t do.

All my best wishes & I hope this helps somewhat and if you got down to here thank you for reading as I know this is probably long enough to rival a Shakespeare play :).

[GazS in reply to hollyyclapp]

Hi, thanks so much for your message it’s really helpful to read because my gf and you seem to both be sharing a similar lifestyle and way of dealing with your illness through physio & psychotherapist along with working/studying and both being ambitious woman who want to achieve in life. I’ve noticed she has let the exercise routine slip and because of working part-time and along with living costs etc the shopping budget takes a hit so I know she hasn’t been eating as well as she should be but when I’m with her then I can help out and do my bit to help with the diet and exercises as well as relaxing her and helping her switch off. She does find it hard to switch off at night I’ve noticed so I’ll defo look into new ways to help her relax so she can sleep properly.

I’ve also taken note about your comments about mental strength leading to physical strength and the new mental tools in her toolbox. They all ring home with me from my time suffering from depression and what my psychotherapist taught me to help me get through it. I know she does have long discussions with hers but I feel like something is missing but maybe because she’s in the Netherlands it’s part of a different mindset the way they help people there, I don’t know, I’ll discuss it with her and see what her thoughts are.

Thanks again I really appreciate your message it’s been very helpful and gives me more to think about and talk to her about. 👍🏾

[Bdgjdjd]

All what i can say for you please don’t hurt her

It is very awful disease

the disease affects both physically and psychologically and if she got anything bad with this relationship this absolutely will effect her so badly

Be kind with her I suffer from endometriosis I don’t if my future husband will be so carful like you

For me if he is kind to me this everything for me

There are alot of endometriosis suffers who broke up because of this disease that why i am so afraid from the future and my husband i always think that he will leave me so I cry this happens every day

I would so happy if he just shows the care , the love and the supporting

At least it affects me physically and does not affect me physically and mentally