endo is unfair

wondering if anyone is in a smilar position i have endo and pol ovarys unsucessful opp for endo being ttc for 6 years and just found out my brother inlaw is expecting after 6 months of trying, im devastated i know i should be happy for them but i carnt belive how easy it is for some , i try and avoid all contact i can with children because it is just too painful for me , sadly im not in a position to go through ifv atm, any advice how to get through this

9 Replies

  • Hi Kerri!

    I feel your pain.

    Me and my husband have been trying for 2 1/2 years with no joy and at times it has left me with feelings of bitterness, jealousy and resent. These horrible, negative feelings would then make me feel selfish, self obsessed and stupid. These vicious emotions would just circle on repeat over and over again and needless to say I got very low. I pushed a lot of people in my life away for around a year.

    Just recently I've had my second lap. As I've been recovering I've been thinking that this could actually be what my life is like for ever now - childless. It was hard to admit and I still haven't fully come to terms with it yet but I honestly just thought to myself I cannot live the rest of my life feeling so upset, disappointed and angry. I'm exhausted and you must be too.

    I know how painful it is to see others with everything that you want but you can't shut yourself away sweetie. I'm not saying you should think like me but perhaps just try to be a little easier on yourself. You've been through so much, don't beat yourself up for feeling something totally natural and understandable. Surround yourself with people you love -that really is the best tonic for feeling so low. People who know and love you will understand what you're going through and support you.

    Hope this helps xxxx

  • thank you for replying its nice to know other people have had these feelings its not me to be selfish and negative, for me i can only see life with children.

  • Kerri,

    I'm 39 - just diagnosed - only just met the love of my life and I've been sitting at my desk crying all day. My boyfriend and I moved in together 4 months ago, I've met his family, he's met mine. A month ago he told me that his sister (same age as me) is expecting their 3rd baby - their oldest is 3.....

    I am working on the principle that it's not unfair... it's just that my life is for something different. I always expected I'd be a Mum - everyone has one but not everyone gets to be one. That's because it's my job to find meaning from life in other things. Maybe I will have a baby - by some miracle after surgery - which might or might not happen in time for me to qualify for NHS funded IVF. The thing is - I need to look for meaning elsewhere - there are other things I can do - which would be more difficult if I had kids.

    I had a wonderful childless Great Aunt who devoted herself to her family - my mother's mother was very sickly when her kids were growing up and everyone considered our Aunt as a second Grandmother...

    My main point of concern right now is to get myself well. While I'm working on that I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to make my mark in life - and looking on the brightside - it might not involve cleaning up poo.

    "Life is what happens when you're making plans" :)

    Best of luck!

  • I know it might sound stupid to many people here.

    But i found having a dog really helped on the bad days...

  • Dog is a great idea, I have two and on my bad days they snuggle up with me and make me feel soothed

  • I find my fur brothers and nephew a massive comfort. I wish I had the life style for one here in my little flat in London. Nothing as soothing as furry cuddle.

  • Hi Kerri, I know exactly how you feel, me and my husband have been trying for 5 years, I had my first lap 18 moths ago (stage 4 endo) after a long hard struggle to get the doctor to listen and refer me to a gyn. I have just turned 40 so have been very clearly told that being a mum would never happen. if only they had listened to me years ago i would have been able to get help on the NHS (Im so mad)!! But determined not listen or give up on our dream we saved like mad and went for private IVF in November.. unfortunately we had a negative out come which totally devastated us and hit me a lot harder than i thought. it was our one chance to do it, as you know IVF does not come cheap. we put our all into this one last chance of a miracle.

    since then i have kept myself to myself.. i hate going to family do's where my brother and sisters are there with there partners and family.. 6 young kids running around. Which i know is all wrong. I don't want to be bitter and twisted life's to short!

    I know i now have to be realistic so I have asked to have a second lap done... as Katie says in her post "this could actually be what my life is like for ever now"

    and if i i am never going to be a mum then i sure as hell want to have a pain free life!

    I not sure how old you are but don't give up.. :-) best of luck xx

  • thank you everyone for your comments, I sometimes feel on my own with endo , i love the dog idea xx

  • I hear you sweetie. All my friends have 2-3 kids already, some of the kids are already 8-10 years old and here i am struggling from last 6 years to conceive. And i am 36 now, so with every passing year my chances get lower. I have had two failed ivfs but i cannot put myself through another one because the pain was so bad During the second one. And even now everyday is a struggle. I hardly have 1 good week a month. I used to feel really bitter and resentful about it all But lately i have made peace with the fact that it is probably not meant to be. And thats ok. Right now in my state i dont think i could have taken care of a kid anyway. My priority right now is to get well and reach a stage where pain is not ruling my life. After that i will consider options - surrogacy, adoption etc. If i get well and am able to work fulltime, i can work really hard and save the money needed for those. I visualise a life where i am pain free, have a kid (maybe adopted) and a couple of dogs, it really helps me deal with the current situation and gives me hope for the future. Life is really not fair, i think it is upto us to somehow make it work for us. Dont lose hope. Strive to get well, and have some plans. At the very least, i think we endo women deserve to live a healthy and painfree life even if we cannot have kids. Who knows, you may even conceive naturally once you get well, its not unheard of. Dont put random deadlines for yourself, it will happen when it is meant to be. You will only spoil your chances even further by stressing about it all the time.

You may also like...