Its been a while girls got so much to tell you all...
My sister is 12 weeks pregnant. I'm trying so very hard not to cry I want to be happy for them , I REALLY do! I can't help but feel that pang of jealousy...always the auntie never the mummy!
They don't think I have very much bowel involvement after all, they read the scans wrong ?? They've been passed from pillar to post and yet so many pairs of eyes where wrong I just don't understand it.
I had a sigmoidoscopy I asked for sedation and that was jokes trust when I say I would have been better having a bar of chocolate it would have made me more relaxed...
Headaches have been ruining my life honestly since I saw the Colo-Rectal surgeon things have been horrible!
Very painful bowel movements are back, spasms and bloating alongside the headaches have had me reaching for the medicine box and I can't cope anymore I'm off the hospital next flair up I'm at the end of my tether with it all.
Vaginal bleeding with bowel movements since the week of violation. Now the surgeon said let me examine you...he wedged his hand so far up my bum he wore me like a watch!!! It was brutal
My mood is all over the place and I can feel it trying to plummet - I'm fighting a losing battle to try to stay smiling, my positivity is dwindling and the fight is making me tired, so tired I just can't keep hiding my true emotions. I don't even know what my true emotions are!
Girls, how do I do this? I can't give anymore of myself there's nothing left as it is, I'm running on empty. There's so many 'plans' I'm about to ruin I'm meant to be my newest nephews godmother in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it how am I gonna make it through an entire day 1pm til late the invite says...I'm barely able to spend an hour outside the house these days before my pain takes over, I've been crying real tears just lately my body is losing the battle and my brain has give up the fight. The pain is acute and its breaking me.
My sister is in a sh!@#y situation she didn't know what to say but to be fair she told me before everybody even the dad she just said sorry repeatedly and I said I'm fine, thankfully it was via msg and not face to face the tears were pricking my eyes and she was just asking if I was OK. Since she's been very excitedly sending me msgs talking about names etc and sending me pics of babygros, its breaking my heart honestly I want to enjoy my sisters being pregnant I want to see them excited, I want to see my nieces and nephews growing rapidly as their stomachs get bigger and bigger but the green-eyed monster inside of me wont let me I have so much love to give inside of me and I do love my nieces and nephews but I just stopped spending quality time and I don't know how to start again there's a divide that's ever widening.
The damage to my life is becoming irriversable this disease is tearing me apart I'm so... broken!