Trying to stay upbeat and failing spectacularly

Its been a while girls got so much to tell you all...

My sister is 12 weeks pregnant. I'm trying so very hard not to cry :( I want to be happy for them , I REALLY do! I can't help but feel that pang of jealousy...always the auntie never the mummy!

They don't think I have very much bowel involvement after all, they read the scans wrong ?? They've been passed from pillar to post and yet so many pairs of eyes where wrong I just don't understand it.

I had a sigmoidoscopy I asked for sedation and that was jokes trust when I say I would have been better having a bar of chocolate it would have made me more relaxed...

Headaches have been ruining my life honestly since I saw the Colo-Rectal surgeon things have been horrible!

Very painful bowel movements are back, spasms and bloating alongside the headaches have had me reaching for the medicine box and I can't cope anymore I'm off the hospital next flair up I'm at the end of my tether with it all.

Vaginal bleeding with bowel movements since the week of violation. Now the surgeon said let me examine you...he wedged his hand so far up my bum he wore me like a watch!!! It was brutal :(

My mood is all over the place and I can feel it trying to plummet - I'm fighting a losing battle to try to stay smiling, my positivity is dwindling and the fight is making me tired, so tired I just can't keep hiding my true emotions. I don't even know what my true emotions are!

Girls, how do I do this? I can't give anymore of myself there's nothing left as it is, I'm running on empty. There's so many 'plans' I'm about to ruin I'm meant to be my newest nephews godmother in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it how am I gonna make it through an entire day 1pm til late the invite says...I'm barely able to spend an hour outside the house these days before my pain takes over, I've been crying real tears just lately my body is losing the battle and my brain has give up the fight. The pain is acute and its breaking me.

My sister is in a sh!@#y situation she didn't know what to say but to be fair she told me before everybody even the dad she just said sorry repeatedly and I said I'm fine, thankfully it was via msg and not face to face the tears were pricking my eyes and she was just asking if I was OK. Since she's been very excitedly sending me msgs talking about names etc and sending me pics of babygros, its breaking my heart honestly I want to enjoy my sisters being pregnant I want to see them excited, I want to see my nieces and nephews growing rapidly as their stomachs get bigger and bigger but the green-eyed monster inside of me wont let me :( I have so much love to give inside of me and I do love my nieces and nephews but I just stopped spending quality time and I don't know how to start again there's a divide that's ever widening.

The damage to my life is becoming irriversable this disease is tearing me apart I'm so... broken!

7 Replies

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  • Oh Hun I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I've been in your situation where everyone around me was getting pregnant, my best friend got pregnant and had an abortion and then got pregnant again, it hurt me sooo much when it was all I'd ever wanted.

    I know you feel you have nothing more to give, you feel broken and beyond repair and like your body can stand no more. The body is strong especially if the mind is, if you give up mentally then your body may give up physically. Please find some comfort, do you have a belief at all? Prayer? I'd be lost without it personally.

    If not then always come here to talk, it's at least somewhere to vent to people who understand and just sometimes you may feel a little hope when you see humanity at its best comforting one another.

    I'm thinking and praying for you. X

  • I am sending you a big hug! It sounds like you and your sister are close, it is a very difficult situation, I know, I have been in your shoes. I have decided to stop pretending I am fine and that everything is ok. Because it's not, and the pretending itself is exhausting... I have started to allow myself to cry, and I mean long loud guttural cries which kind of helps, it definitely releases some of the emotional crap we build up.

    Sending you strength to continue the fight xx

  • Hi,

    I went back over your posts to get to know your story.

    If your uterus has cysts a curette will knock that over when they go in and fix that endo.

    Your bleeding with bowel movement in the vagina corresponds with the pouch of douglas endo you have,they will excise that when they go in.

    The bowel endo sounds like you might not need that bag that they first talked about,which is good news.

    Endo can target different areas in different people,depending on where it lands.

    Yours has landed on an ovary,but im hoping he can get that off for you.

    Mine landed on the bladder,bowel and pouch of douglas,but has not touched the ovaries as yet.

    I remember saying to my husband that i was not sure i had the fortitude to continue going through this,i just couldnt find the strength.

    Mine was a shock at 42.

    I never knew i had it.

    I havent put this on a post as yet,but i have no children,so i can imagine,you are scared,frustrated and fearful of the future.

    The only way to find that strength is to have a goal at the end.

    You clearly want to have children.

    That is still your goal then.

    If you dont kill for your food,you starve is an old saying.

    You must find that mindset and do not let this beat you.

    Your uterus is ok and you will have both ovaries,but if not,one can do the job just as well.

    Dont give up,there is nothing about this that is insurmountable just yet.

    Tackle the immediate problem in stages,looking too far ahead is overwhelming.

    Stage one is surgery

    Stage 2 recovery

    Stage 3 trying for a baby again.

    Your body when it is healed,will support a pregnancy and not before.

    You need to be in the best shape you can be and its all going to turn out the way you hope for.

    You can do this and you will.

    Kind regards

    Rose

  • There is a post below from a lady who concieved after extensive endo.

  • Hi Kelly just want you to know that I'm still thinking of you . I think maybe you need to start being honest with yourself and others about how you're feeling . That you're not ok. I know it's hard but other people will never know how to help unless they really know how you feel. And it's OK to admit that you're not ok and to ask for support. Hun you know I'm here if you want to talk. Or message me via Facebook Hun. You're not alone.

  • Hi, though I don't fully know how you feel, I can relate somewhat. I've got severe endometriosis, just had my third operation. I've also been trying to conceive for the past 6 years, but still no baby. My sister had already had kids before we decided to try, but I've watched nearly all my co-workers and friends have their babies during this time. One lady has had 3 babies in this time!

    After two years of not conceiving we went for fertility treatment. Tried a few cycles of IUI, then moved onto IVF. It was at this point I was diagnosed with endo.

    Anyway, our first IVF embryo transfer failed. I had a hysteroscopy not long after to remove a polyp and the next month I got my first ever positive pregnancy test trying naturally, but just two days later I miscarried. What was so hard was my best friend became pregnant the same month. I was distraught. I physically sobbed and could not stop when she told me, and I found it really difficult throughout her pregnancy.... To her credit she was amazing, and though she didn't fully understand she knew to let me be the one to contact her and start any baby talk etc. And it did get a bit easier. I was very happy for her, but devastated that we had been trying years, and she had just tried for that one month! It didn't seem at all fair.....

    We have done a few more embryo transfers as we had several frozen embryos from the first IVF cycle. But all resulted in miscarriages a few days after implantation. Seemed again so cruel..... I would be having a miscarriage and co-workers would be shoving baby scan pics in my face (I've never told work I was having fertility treatment)

    I'm now waiting to heal from difficult surgery 3 weeks ago. My ovaries and tubes were saved, but my left tube is damaged and both ovaries have had a couple of surgeries to remove cysts now. So I'm not sure if they will work that well. Once I'm healed, I will start trying to conceive again.... Even though I'm pretty broken and don't feel I have a chance. I still have a little tiny bit of hope.

    I just thought maybe sharing my story would help you to see you are not alone, although you probably feel like you are.

    It is totally normal to feel upset, cry, scream and almost grief over the fact you haven't been able to conceive yet. And that you have this awful disease which has probably taken away so much from you, and so much from your life. I wonder if you should have some counselling? It really might help to talk to someone, say how you feel and to be told you should not feel guilty for how you currently feel. Anyone in your situation would feel the same.

    Massive virtual hugs to you.

  • Hi kelly I've only just seen this so I'm hoping things have improved for you. I loved Rose's post. Clear positive and succinct use that as your game plan darling & don't divert from what you want.

    Best wishes hope life is at least manageable for you xx

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