Mental health

I feel really confused and don't know what to think of myself anymore. I have depression. I've been on Citalopram for a few months now, and I feel no better. My doctor has put me on the long list for counselling, but that will be a long while yet. Even when I'm having a good day, I still don't feel particularly good about myself. And it usually ends in a huge outburst of tears at the end of the day. I either feel numb and closed off from everything and everyone else. Or I feel angry, emotional, and frustrated. Almost every day, usually at night, I consider suicide. And end up having an emotional breakdown because my thoughts scare me so much. My parents don't know what more to do that will help. And it upsets them to see me get so bad. And I have no motivation to do anything to help lift my spirits.

There's no point in me self harming, as that won't fix my problems. Running away won't either. Because my problem is myself and my own body. So there's no way to escape from that, other than to end my life.

I just want to feel like me again. But I haven't felt like that in a long time. Does anyone have any advice? Any coping techniques? Any forums or websites specifically for this problem?

16 Replies

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  • I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I have been on citalopram myself on and off over the last few years due to various reasons. The first time I was on them, I did find it took me a while to start to feel better. If you feel like you have been on them long enough, maybe go back to your doctor and see if they can give you an alternative.

    I was always told that excercise helps as it produces positive endorphins. I know excercise is hard when you are suffering in pain but maybe a short walk each day would help.

    Have you told your GP how bad you are feeling ie about the suicidal thoughts? Maybe they could try and get you a counselling appointment sooner. Have you tried calling the Endometriosis helpline, it might help to talk to someone who understands what you are going through?

    Try not to feel alone, I find this forum helps me so much when I am having a bad day, which is more often than not xx

  • Yeah I might go back to the doctors and tell him my thoughts are getting worse. I've tried exercise quite a few times, but even when I'm not in pain, I just can't find the motivation to do anything. And I also go dizzy all the time just from standing up. When I go dizzy, my head feels like it's being compressed and my vision temporarily goes. As if there are dark patches covering my eyes that eventually fade away. So I usually have to stand for a moment and lean against something until I can see again. And I also go dizzy when eating meals. I've told my doctor this, but he skipped over it because he was focusing on something else I said. So I'll have to remind him of it.

    Thank you.

  • Yes definitely go back to your doctors and tell him your thoughts and also about the meal situations.

    When I was feeling particularly low my friend lent me a book called The Secret. Like the book Alicepirate recommended it's not about endo but it helped me try and change the way I think about things.

    Please don't feel alone in this, it will get better. I'm here if you need to talk. Feel free to PM me. Xx

  • Really sorry to hear this I found the book by Matt haig really helpful "reasons to stay alive " obviously it not about endo but helped me see my mental state as an every changing thing and just to hang in there. Try to remember a worse time and think I got through that a you can always hang in there a bit longer and it'll improve a bit even just a tiny bit, also it good to complain on this too we all understand it makes you feel really not alone and some people getting better having good days is inspiring. Maybe ask GP for different antidepressants if after a while they still not working I took citopram and they made me feel really annoyed all the time.

    Also just doing some small thing you normally enjoy and pretending to be ok sometimes make you feel a bit ok. Or just sitting in the sun , really small nice things you can push yourself to do that you don't really feel like can make a big difference just some joy goes a long way. Excercise when you can even just a bit of stretching or bit of yoga really can re set your head a bit especially if you need some balance.

    I have exactly the same kind of thoughts and endless crying it so hard I really feel for you it will be ok just little things. I doing a language ap on my phone 10 minutes a day yep sounds very dull but really takes my mind off stuff. 💗

    Hope you have ok day 🎈

  • Thanks, I might look for that book.

    I used to enjoy reading, writing, drawing, playing my keyboard, and horse riding. I haven't done any of that stuff in months. I find it so difficult to motivate myself. But I agree, stuff you enjoy usually does help.

    I'm sorry to hear you are the same, and I hope you feel ok.

    Thank you.

  • Hi Jess , I'm sorry things aren't improving . You know that I'm happy to give you my number if you need to talk. It really worries me that you have have these thoughts as you are so young, and although you are going through such a rough time I promise in time it will get easier.

    I speak from experience my lovely, I've been where you are now and I'm still here.

    I'm not saying that life is easy but as you get older you find you cope better.

    Have you tried writing how you feel down. Sometimes just putting it in writing helps to get it out.

    I do think maybe you need to go back to GP and explain that you are having these thoughts and that you need help now not when there is space .

    You're not alone sweetie I'm here if you need me.

  • Yeah, I think writing stuff down might help. I probably will have to go back to my doctor. I find myself unbearable to live with.

    Thank you, Jean.

  • Hi Jess, Well you are definitely not alone. I am on citalopram too, although a very low dose as sometimes i find strong anti-depressants make me worse. I understand the feeling of not having much to live for but I tell myself that I will get better/find answers and things will improve. I cant exercise anymore and thats awful as exercise used to massively help my mental health. Do you have anything in the future to look forward too? Like going with a friend or your mum to get massages or facials. . or something not too draining that would be nice for you.

    The times I can't sleep I sometimes get up and write down all the thoughts going through my head and find this helps. I also write things like 'this is not my fault, things will get better, you are ok, you got this' and find re-reading these notes helps my mental state of mind. Also i have to remind myself constantly that i'm allowed to be depressed, I'm allowed to be miserable. Anybody in our situation would feel pretty bloody miserable too. Its a normal reaction. As for counselling can you see if there's any volunteer , charity organisations in your local area? they might charge a small fee £5-10 for a session but would be good idea.

    Also acupuncture is really helping me massively at the moment. I know it doesn't work for everyone and is not a cure. But its helped reduced my pain but also improved my mood massively. I also have an adult coloring in book that I sometimes use. Its pretty lame but the drawings are really intricate and it takes me ages to finish one but when i do I feel really proud of myself.

    Also I'm planning that when I finally get my diagnosis (whether its endo or not) Im going to dye my hair turquoise and treat myself to a new tattoo. Its the thought of that keeps me going some days.

    Sending lots of virtual hugs your way. Be kind to yourself. Things will get better.

  • I'm on 20mg Citalopram. Yeah, at the start on June, I'm getting a dog of my own. I have been trying to focus on that, like thinking what colour lead will suit her and how I'm going to train her. We already have a puppy about 19 weeks old and she has definitely helped me. When I'm getting bad, I cuddle her for a bit. But I still find that even if I feel better for a short while, I always go back to feeling bad again. It's like I'm at war with myself.

    I've actually been thinking of getting a tattoo. My dog, who I loved more than anything, died in January. So I was thinking of tracing a picture of her paw and getting it as a tattoo on the left side of my tummy (where I get my endo pains) and she was called Amber. So I thought it'd be fitting to have it an amber colour. Although it's a nice idea, I don't think I'd be doing it for the right reasons. I just want to do something drastic about myself. I thought of cutting my hair really short. But I like my long hair. And thinking of getting an ear piercing, but I don't particularly want one. I'm just trying to do something. So I think getting a tattoo wouldn't be the right choice right now. If I want one in the future, then yeah. But only once I'm thinking rationally.

    Thank you for your advice.

  • hey dont do anything you're not fully commited to. I love dying my short hair random coulours and getting tattoos. But its not for everyone! Its just what makes me happy. I understand wanting to do something drastic but you're right these things aren't coming from the right place. If you love your hair dont cut it off. Ive wanted a specific tattoo for ages but cant afford it so im planning a time when i feel better that i can treat myself to the tattoo i have wanted for ages ....its a different set of circumstances. For me, where I am in my life tattoos make me happy ( i already have three) but you need to find something yourself you can look forward to that is right for you.We're all different and unique.

    I do find writing my thoughts down when im in a really bad way can help. even though it takes effort to do it. just writing down the thoughts in your head does help, because then its like their out of your head and on paper and you kinda dont have to think of them anymore.

    I suffered from depression myslef at 19 year old, I was a mess with drink and drugs. I was at uni so it was kinda just the lifetsyle but i was an absolute mess, self harming really badly and a couple of failed suicide attempts. But i went on to have an amazing life. never would have thought it possible. I lived in Australia for two years which i never ever thought i would ever do in a million years. What i'm trying to say is that I've gone through some really dark times and come out the other side. And I'm not that special. What you're going through now, you wont always go through. Things get better. and even at the time you can't see it. But from someone who knows, trust me, things get better. And you probably cant see it right now, and youre going through a really rotten time, but it wont last . Honestly it wont . Hang on in there, because there's a lot of people who care about you and they will see you throug and so will you . Much love x

  • Hey there Jess. Depression is a terrible terrible thing. I have a couple of questions. First - did you have bad side effects from citalopram when you first started taking them? I was on fluoxetine some years ago and they worked amazingly well for me. Just over a year ago I became depressed and anxious again and was put on citalopram. After a week of feeling much much worse and having bad side effects I called my GP who said to keep trying. After another week I called again and spoke to an older Dr. He immediately took me off them and put me onto fluoxetine again. Interestingly he said that there was a correlation between the side effects and the worsening symptoms I was having and the citalopram not working - therefore I was getting bad side effects but wasn't going to feel better on them anyway. The side effects (including nausea and terrible muscle spasms that would feel like I was going to have some kind of seizure) went within a week and within three weeks I was feeling much much better. We all respond differently to different medications and they don't all work for all of us.

    In terms of counselling. I trained as a counsellor and was also a samaritan. I know the importance of getting a good counsellor because the relationship between you and them is a huge part in the success of what they do for you. My experiences of counselling services on the NHS have been extremely poor. In many areas you're not guaranteed an appointment every week, or even face to face and sometimes it's a different counsellor each week too - all of which are against counselling guidelines. If you can afford it at all I would strongly recommend that you find a counsellor privately and speak to a few until you find one that you think can help you. They usually cost £30 - £50 for a 50 minute session a week but there are centres who offer reduces rates to those who can't afford it. It's important to get the right type of counsellor too. The BACP british association of counselling and psychotherapy have a website and you can look for counsellors in your area. I don't know if you can PM on here, but if you can and you get stuck - contact me and I'll give you some advice about what to look for when choosing etc. if it seems to much for you to navigate.

    I've found counselling incredibly helpful several times in the past when I've used it. I think it's saved my life more than once. But it's important to find a counsellor who can work well with you and with your problems.

    I really really hope you're feeling better soon. x

  • When it comes to the Citalopram, I don't really know. I'm not sure what is the outcome of my depression, or the outcome of tablet side effects. I was on Fluoxetine to start off with, but it really didn't agree with me. I struggle to swallow tablets, so the size of it didn't help. And it left me with no appetite and feeling ill a lot. So I came off them and went onto 20mg Citalopram.

    Thank you for your advice on counselling.

  • Please go back to your gp. It may be you need a higher dose 40mg is now the max for citalopram. Remember depression is an illness you are not thinking this way because you are worthless, or lazy or weak it is because you are ill. It is the awful nature of the beast that you have these thoughts. Try to separate the real you from the illness. The real you is still there she is just having a rest! Be kind to yourself, lean on the people who love and know you. Despite what the depression tells you, you will get better, you won't always feel like this xxx

  • I'm on 20mg of Citalopram at the moment. My doctor said that I need to combine the medication with the counselling. But I don't think the medication is doing anything at all, as I feel no better. It's not even helped a tiny bit.

    Thank you for your kind words.

  • Hi flower!

    Firstly this WILL get better, it may not seem it right now but trust me!

    It seems maybe they need to change your tablets or even up the dose.

    CBT is a god send!! It's cognitive behaviour therapy where the councellor teaches you how to deal with situations and prevent them from happening again. So it helps to reduce future low points because of the techniques you learn. It finds out your triggers too which means you can avoid what makes you low or once again be given a way to deal with them. Look it up online!

    I could go on for hours but from what you've said a change in medication and some CBT could do the trick!!

    They say to exercise too but that is the last thing you want to do when you feel low!

    Good luck sweetheart! Keep going!! X

  • I'll look it up. Thank you for your advice.

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