Inspiration

[xnanookx]

Love you all, thank you for all of the support and help girls, I really do appreciate it xx

[KSvedenmacher]

That is beautiful, thank you for sharing. Xxx 

I love thiswonderful community here, it makes me feel less alone in all this.

[Elwood]

It's strange how women are portrayed as the weaker sex, yet automatically expected to cope and continue in terrible times without so much as a mutter. 

[xnanookx]

That's so true, I don't look anybody in the eye these days, its part of the reason I feel a bit of a fraud, my eyes speak a thousand words that are trapped inside my heart! I just don't know how my internal cries for help are ignored by so many. I kind of understand the medical worlds ignorance this Dr doesn't know me from Adam but friends and family, its like they choose to not see. I'm not saying ignorance I fear I do exactly the same thing to them a lot of the time. If its somebody very close who knows your soul, who've seen the light dissipate that's a lot for them to take in and register, I'm guilty of it too I see the struggle of a particular person (naming no names) she's very close to me, I love her to bits, she's had a very tough year, she's my age, my sister in law, she got pregnant and told everybody the same week I lost my baby, she chose for her bf to tell her brother, my partner of 12 years, and have him tell me on the phone while he was in work, we live 3 doors away, I'd spent that whole week at her house with my 2 nephews cleaning for her, trying to clean my own thoughtsmy own head, she had plenty of opportunity to tell me herself and she chose not to and that really hurt me, I don't know why she would do that! Anyway at 4 months pregnant she had a massive heart attack and she died, they revived her and she went on to deliver my nephew by c-section 5 weeks early. They are both OK however my relationship with her and the baby are very strained, I felt blessed that I've been given this beautiful nephew, he is supposed to be my godson, things are I fear beyond repair and that won't happen now, I've held him twice in 4 months, I've spoken less that 50 words to her since she delivered. I just don't know how to fix things, I don't even really know if I should try...every time I look at the baby he reminds me of what I've lost, he looks exactly like my partner, they have the same face and eyes, I could cry just thinking about it! So many times I could have just opened my mouth and for filled my role as sister and asked her what was happening with her health, I haven't, I do know but its all 2nd/3rd hand. I see in her eyes she's really struggling and yet I choose to ignore it. That I feel makes me no better than anybody else, the people I complain about, having said that I can't help but feel a tad bit envious of her at the same time, all of these people gather round her and offer the biggest support system I've ever seen and yet not a single one of those people see that on my very best day of the entire month I'm still on my ass and out for the count. That really annoys me, I feel so much guilt for that I too should be offering support and yet I just can't find it inside myself to speak let alone allow my actions to speak for themselves...

[xnanookx]

The pic I might add probably ties in more with a previous post, I talked about special events and had a moan about not wearing nice things etc. I wasn't trying to suggest weakness xx