Just don't know what to do!!! : I'm sorry... - Endometriosis UK

Endometriosis UK

65,370 members50,066 posts

Just don't know what to do!!!

Mummykay profile image
16 Replies

I'm sorry this isn't exactly endo related but hoping some of you might understand..... I need to get this out to people that don't knows personally.......Our condition can be very trying and can completely break us down...... My boyfriend (ex as of about an hour ago) suffers with depression, and I have supported him with it the whole time we've been together, but he doesn't seem to understand my endo or allow me any room for change in my emotions ect, the closer I get to my period the more pain I'm in, it's usually crippling, which then gets me really low and I tend to need alone time, but he then moans about me not giving him enough affection...... Which turns into an argument...... Tonight I came in from work at midnight, was in a lot of pain and he pushed me to far while I was in a lot of pain so I told him it's over, his reaction was to try and kill himself......I had to get out of bed (which is a struggle enough when I'm this bad) and try to get the tablets of him....... I'm now sat up waiting for news while the police look for him as he walked out after taking loads of pills..... And all I can think is what a wanker!!!! I should feel sorry for him but I'm just in to much pain...... Am I being selfish here? I know his suffering but I have given it my all to try and help him, which usually ment trying to ignore my endo to look after him

16 Replies
Shaunagh profile image

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. I think you both need to seek support for your individual issues and together.

I get extremely low when my endo is at it's worst, you've done well to cope for this long

Mummykay profile image
Mummykay in reply to Shaunagh

His been getting help, I made him get it, but you know how impossible it can be for us to get help! I just keep getting told the same crap from drs who don't understand endo, the last dr I saw actually blamed my not being able to have children because of how badly damaged my tubes are on me being overweight!!! The fact that I'm only over weight because I am in so much pain I had to stop working out which then made me pile the pounds on didn't matter to him! I feel like I'm fighting a battle on two fronts x

Shaunagh profile image
Shaunagh in reply to Mummykay

Believe me, I know how difficult the doctors are and how hard weight management can be when it's difficult to even get out of bed some days, never mind get on a treadmill.

Unfortunately men don't understand the pain. I think because they can't see it and because we have no choice but to pretend we're ok and go to work and do housework, they think we're fine.

I think you might need more emotional support though, maybe counselling both separately and together. Before you can start looking after him, you must take care of yourself. I know you love him and it's hard but you need to be ok before you can take on someone else's burdens. You're not selfish, you have a lot to cope with.

Evil-Adeno profile image

Is he on antidepressants?

Mummykay profile image
Mummykay in reply to Evil-Adeno

He is, but started new ones less than two weeks ago....so at the worse before it gets better stage... And unless I tell him to take them everyday he doesn't,

wibble36 profile image

Gosh I hope he is ok .. but please don't blame yourself .. you need understanding xx

Nicolahunny profile image

Sadly some men don't understand the impact endo can have on us my endo nearly drove me and my husband apart cause I am crippled with pain and now because I yelled at him and told him to leave which he then realised how upset I was and took me to the doctors and they sent me into hospital don't feel bad at the fact u done ur best to support him and if he can't support u at ur best he dosent deserve u at your worse I hope that u go and c ur doctor and get the help that u need as no woman deserves to put up with this much pain xxx

I don't think you selfish at all neither do i think him a "walker".

Relationships are never easy and get even more difficult with serious things getting in the way such as your Endo and his depression.

Have a look at your local health services there are loads of flyers with info there to get succour.

Hang in there lovely there would always be bad days but Yould get get ones as well.

hannah98 profile image

Anybody who uses the threat of suicide to try and control or punish another is Never your fault. He obviously needs professional help and support but you are not his "carer" there are professionals out there to do that role. You are/were his partner who deserves respect and compassion. If he has no reserves to treat you with compassion when you are in pain whilst being depressed, may be it would be appropriate for you to change your role to one of a friend? In this way you can provide the support you have been giving him over the years, with out it causing you pain or taking over your life. I am no relationships expert and it is only you who can decide what to do but the fact that your instinct was to feel he was a ...... rather than guilt tells you a lot about the relationship you have with him.

I wish you both the very best and hope you both can get the help and support you need.

applebird profile image

Ok firstly he needs assessment by a psychiatrist or psychologist if he's actually attempted to take his own life. At the very least he needs regular counselling/cbt, possibly short term admission and definitely anti-depressants.

Trying to address your concerns with him re. Your relationship and your health will be a waste of time right now as his head won't be in it.

When he comes round, if you want to get things back on track with him you need to sit him down and get him to realise that a relationship is a two way street and you are not there merely as a human crutch for him. With endo you have all of the mental health trouble and physical pain on top of that so your situation is actually more serious and yet he's giving you zero attention and causing you endless stress because of his inability to take any sort of responsibility for his own situation.

1. He needs to take action to work on improving his own mental health - it isn't your responsibility it's his!

2. He needs to have more compassion towards you and be a proper partner.

- Maybe try showing him sites like endo UK and endo resolved to explain the issues you go through with your health. Also Google 'spoon theory' - has a good way of explaining how people with chronic health issues don't have boundless energy.

Hope you're both ok. Try not to worry and don't think to blame yourself for. His actions, no doubt you've done more than enough.

Possibly look up the number for the samaritans for him - sometimes it is better for someone with mental health issues to talk to someone removed from the situation rather than constantly dumping on their partner - plus they are open 24/7.

Good luck x

Lzknt profile image

Hi there. While I admit you're likely dealing with a bit more than I have been, I'd like to comment as someone who just this summer was officially diagnosed with endo. Endo has been the root cause of a huge percentage of any relationship problems I've had. (I got married 2.5 years ago, and to sum up without much detail, even before we got married our sex life was already nonexistent due to the level of pain it caused me.) I am thankful to have a very wonderful and stable husband but can absolutely attest to the fact that (I assume especially in a man who already suffers from depression) it can do a LOT of damage to them psychologically.

I did get diagnosed during a laparoscopy, but I'm slowly starting to spread the word about the absolute wonders that acupuncture has done for me. I'm probably the only American I know who grew up (from maybe 9 years old) being brought to acupuncture for ailments... but about 2 months ago I noticed a section on a local acupuncturist's website specifically about treating endometriosis. I figured I might as well see her. I HIGHLY recommend giving acupuncture a shot. I'm virtually pain-free for the first time in several years and I'm miraculously able to enjoy sex again - which I can already tell has also made a WORLD of difference for my husband. I knew he felt terrible about hurting me and at many times felt undesirable.... but I don't think it was until I was able to put endo behind us that either of us fully realized how much it affected him. It was like he wasn't quite the same person anymore. We were too focused on me and my constant pain the whole time.

I know acupuncture comes with a price tag, but it's been the best investment I've ever made. (AND she was able to cure a couple other problems at the same time, too... what a bonus!)

I know this maybe isn't directly related to your initial post, but it's really helped me feel better and therefore drastically improved life for my husband! Best of luck.

laimohametano profile image
laimohametano in reply to Lzknt

hi there! my name is lai, and im from the philippines. last year i was diagnosed with endometrial implant on the episiotomy site at my perineal area. the diagnosis came late, but the crippling pain was there a couple of years or so after i gave birth to my daughter who is now 10. so i totally understand how it is to live with endo. fortunately, i got medical help and now taking pills to control the growth, pain, and hopefully shrink the cyst. im curious about acupuncture as treatment for endo tho, as alternative methods may have lesser side effects both outright and in the long run. i havent really read all of your posts, so i apologize if you have already posted a link and may have missed it. but i would greatly appreciate if you could reply with the link and some more info on acupuncture for endo. thank you for taking the time to read. good luck to you. pls stay healthy.

Lzknt profile image
Lzknt in reply to laimohametano

Hi... I haven't actually posted any links specifically but when I have time later today I will try to find the useful information and articles I initially found! The even more wonderful thing about acupuncture is that since you're actually treating the underlying cause and not simply covering up symptoms of anything you're being treated for, there shouldn't be any "side effects". (Although, I think I've noticed my eye sight improving as an unexpected effect of my endo treatment! When treated through acupuncture as a child, I no longer had a need for an eyeglass prescription for quite a while - and if that's happening again I'm thrilled! My acupuncturist explained to me that if this is happening it's likely because of treatment of the liver which is also related to vision. Fun fact!)

laimohametano profile image
laimohametano in reply to Lzknt

thank u. will look forward to it :)

applebird profile image

P.s. I'd like to echo that acupuncture has been very effective for me. Also following the endo diet endo-resolved.com/diet.html is fab

- You would lose some weight even just changing to this (cut out choc, processed food, red meat, dairy and alcohol)

- Your tubes can't be damaged by being overweight - however high levels of fat cause hormonal imbalances particularly with estrogen which makes endometriosis worse - thus could have indirectly caused tubal damage. So the doc has a point in a way. Plus you'd need to be a healthy weIght to have a healthy pregnancy. I lost 3 stone with weight watchers app online (can't recommend it enough) and doing so has helped me a lot.

Finally if you aren't being seen at an endo specialist centre, look into getting a referral bsge.org.uk/ec-BSGE-accredi...

This can ensure you get appropriate excision surgery and usually they have services coordinatedo that can help you ie. Pain management clinic, counselling etc.

Lidzz profile image

No u are not!!.. How selfish is he... If he was mature, he will let u be. If he really cares, he will be making amends to come bak and give u the support u need..

I'm a right night made at times,2yrs ago my husband's visa initially ran out and he went bak to the Seychelles and I really thought it was over. (I was told I can't have Any children) I wanted a divorce and told him to make new life!! But he didn't, he came bak to me and were still 2gether most of the time were happy.. Sometimes my pains and moods are unbearable, but bless he loves me.. What I'm trying too say, it's about both of u supporting each other...

You may also like...