I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I feel so alone right now. Like I'm stuck in a hamster ball just running trying to stop myself from falling over and being thrown obstacles in the way. And I'm the one throwing them there.
Yet again I'm on the toilet crying because I have another 'UTI'. In the last three years ive now had approximately 40 separate bouts. After cystocopy, ultrasound and countless blood and urine tests they put it down to my endo. Which during my diagnosis lap is on my bladder. Apparently my surgeon had lasered it. Which gave me three months of painless toilet trips. But now it's back with a vengeance, I've had 2 hours sleep in 48 hours because I can't get off the loo. Then when I did manage to sleep I wet the bed.
This is because I seem to have angered by endo by having sex two nights in a row. Usually I'm wary during intercourse about the angle, roughness, time. I also have endo on my uterus, around my cervix. But after Edward scissorhands monthly visit I'd been completely out of action for two weeks and got abit lost in the moment. I've only been with my boyfriend 10 months and we are very much still in the honeymoon period.
I'm so fed up. I'm currently a student at open university. As I previously went on a full time course and found I missed alot of lectures because of endo pain. At 23, I feel useless. I can't even work because of the amount of time off I need. The pain gets so bad I'm forced to dose myself up on morphine just so I can sleep atleast 1 week a month. And it barely touches the pain.
After my lap I was told they'd manage to laser most areas. But I think the lap just made it more aggressive because I'm worse than ever. I've had depression for a few years, after various events in my life. And I can feel myself slowly sinking back into it. Only this time I've no silver lining. There's no escaping my own body. I just feel so low. I hate being like this. I'm usually a happy smiley girl. Make the most of my time between flare ups seeing family & friends. Studying & being a football nerd. But recently I can't even be bothered to do that I'm so scared niagra falls 2 is gonna erupt or I'll lose control of my bladder whilst laughing at my friend checking out her new flavour of the month (wouldn't be the first time). I mean I've not even had a child and done my pelvic floors daily since being 16, I worked hard not to be a tena lady before I'm 60.
I feel like there's no end to this. I'm always going to be a slave to it. I've tried alsorts of tablets, home remedies I've found on the Internet that never work, but short of being a cranberry eating celibate ridiculously hormonal dosed up zombie I can't think of a way I can stop letting it rule my life.
Apologies for the too much information, couldn't stop myself once I was typing.
And now I'm not even sure what reply I'm looking for. Unless you've got a miracle cure. I definitely wanna know about that. I just want to know I'm not alone. Or maybe I am and need to man up. Either way I'd appreciate your thoughts??