Had it...being told not having children isn't the end of the world.

[nadz_2014]

I've had enough now...i was lucky enough to have been blessed with children in my late teens. My children are with an ex partner and up until I was diagnosed, me and my hubby had been planning our baby...all the excitement of looking at clothes, planning the nursery, I was actually going to be a mummy again instead of mum (with a grunt, that's how my boys tend to say mum)... On my lap day I was told I had Endo, and it will stop or extremely decrease the chance of conception. Since then my world has fallen through. But all I hear off people. Is "does it really matter you've already had kids", "what do you want more for, your just being greedy". And last night came the final blow,when the person I thought would understand, turned to me in bed and told im that I've changed, im not happy anymore and im grieving for something that never really mattered, that I have kids and the loss of ability to have more isn't a big deal. That broke me even more and cried myself to sleep, woke up and cried again. Am I being stupid? Am I greedy for wanting the child we planned so eagerly before? cause that's all I've heard from my , boss, mum and now my partner. Sorry this has gone on and on, its nice to vent and also nice to talk to ladies actually going through it xxx

[SallyBowles]

I really do wish people would think before they speak. Whether or not you wanted children, Endo is a devastating condition that can change your life and robs you of choices, whatever they may be. Choices for a planned for family, choices for career and travel, choices for going about your daily business without having to think about your pain levels, medication or fatigue. That's what you are grieving for. The lack of control over your own life. The people who say these things have probably never had their own choices taken away like that or they wouldn't make such silly comments, they are probably trying to help you, but not being very kind about it.

I've never wanted kids, but my life and outlook had drastically changed since I was diagnosed and I've also had problems coming to terms with the long term prognosis for me. And friends and colleagues no matter how kind and caring do put their foot in it occasionally. They think if you have surgery you are 'fixed' or cured and don't understand the emotional strain of coming to terms with a chronic condition.

Lots of women on here will know exactly what you are going through and I hope can offer you some support, but I wanted to reply and tell you you are not alone.

[nadz_2014 in reply to SallyBowles]

Hi hun, I don't know why I've only just seen your comment!..i blame my phone lol. Thank you hun, that's it exactly...i try telling them im nevergoing to be better nothing will ever change, thing is this surgery made my symptoms worse. And i feel like screaming because its not like a little course of anti biotics will just clear it right up...the only place i get any genuine support and the only place i can vent with out the worry of having to explain myself is here, thank you ladies. You've all become my saviour in a situation i don't think i could bare alone xxx

[Andys_Girl]

I'm 22, been with my partner six years, we have our own home, both full time employed, with our own cars etc, and im about to be put through the menopause for six months to a year to see if my symptoms stop etc, an to see if my chances of conceiving increase afterwards. I've been broody for a few years now but we wanted to be financially stable etc before bringing a child in to the world so I have patiently waited, now being told I have to have these injections or they wont do anything else for me has completely devastated me because I feel like all control has been taken away from me, all my friends are having babies as and when they want, my sister and one of my best friends are both currently six months pregnant and I just cant bare to be around them, which is sad because i should be totally over the moon for them, but instead I am just bitter and jealous. The main thing that upsets me though and makes me angrier than anything is how people constantly tell me i'm only 22 and have plenty of time to have children yet, how I should live my life and not worry about having a baby for a few years yet... But they dont get that leaving it for 'a few years' could mean not being able to concieve at all if the endo gets worse! I dont see what age has to do with any of it! fair enough if i was 18 been with my boyfriend 6 months and was living at my mums house with no job etc but we have worked hard to get to where we are now, ready for settling down and now i feel like the next year is just going to be hell.. Yes in the long run it will help and could be the best way to increase our chances but it seems so unfair that we have to go through all of this to have what other people dont even have to try to have.

Sorry about this being one big vent and not really helping your situation but like you say its jus nice when you know its not just you.

Personally i dont think you are being selfish wanting more children, I dont think males understand how strong broodiness can be, they think its just a phase but when you are broody all u can think about is the little person that you could create, what they might be like, what names you could choose.. Shopping is the hardest for me i look at the baby clothes and just long to buy my first baby outfit, then theres seeing all the new mums and pregnant women walking around and it just makes me want to burst with jealousy! So no you arent selfish you are completely normal!

Xxxxx

[nadz_2014 in reply to Andys_Girl]

Hi hun, thank you so much for your reply and vent away, I don't mind at all, as you can tell from my post I like to vent too lol. I really hope this treatment works for you, you sound so settled and ready for this, and no one has the right to tell you when your ready or to tell you to wait.

I'm the same arm with the baby clothes and new mums, one of mine had a baby three months ago, and I still haven't been to see them because I know I'll just react so badly xxxx im here if you ever need to vent honey xxx

[Andys_Girl in reply to nadz_2014]

Thanks hun!

My sister has just put on facebook that she finds out the sex of her baby on wednesday and all i want to do is scream! I feel like such a bitch about it but its just not fair!!

Here if you need to vent too! xxx

[endopains in reply to Andys_Girl]

Meant to put my response here. Whoops!

[nadz_2014 in reply to Andys_Girl]

Aw no x your not a bitch hun, your human.....youve helped me see that along with all these lovely ladies. xx

[endopains]

I am really sorry to both of you. I do know how much this hurts. Just to be clear though, have either of you had any fertility testing? Just a diagnosis of endo doesn't mean you are barren. It can do but there is so much to explore before. I'm not trying to deliver false hope. You need tests to confirm that your tubes are not blocked and that you're ovulating. This is the way you concieve and the way endo will affect you. Although, yes you can just not get pregnant for no reason other than that you have endo. Plus to Andys Girl, why won't they remove it? Why the drugs to shrink it? If you have removal your chances of concieving are temporarily higher whereas if you go through menopause there's a chance it won't shrink and you can't try to concieve for a year. Can you get a second opinion? They don't seem to understand what you want. I was given the menopause to give me more time before babies not to get babies although I have heard of other people being treated like this. And you are not too young at all. Peak of fertility is 20 - 24 that's when our bodies want us to have babies. I became pregnant at 22 and I am

So happy that I'm young enough to get no sleep and still run around after her despite my endo fatigue. I was told no chance of children but give it a try before hysterectomy so

I really understand your pain. It's the worst thing they can say if all you want is to be a mum. Best wishes to you both xxx

[nadz_2014 in reply to endopains]

Thank you hun, im back seeing gynie on Wednesday so I'll ask him to test me, not sure if they would have done that last time I had a lap though, can they even do it while your under lol? I'm so lost with it...no one gives me definitive info other than here. Thanks again honey xxx

[endopains in reply to nadz_2014]

I think you're under when they do it. You would have to ask for it. They run a dye through your tubes to see if they are clear. How long have you been trying? They tend to do the blood tests first at the gps. Also is your diagnosis the result of referral for pain or infertility? If your periods are regular, that's an encouraging sign most people take anywhere up to two year to concieve so don't jump straight to panic. I think your husband was just trying to be supportive, they just don't always phrase it right. Their intentions are good and insensitive rude medical staff... Welcome to the world of the endo sufferer. We all have been subjected to unbelievable rudeness. I was once told I 'wished I had pcos' by a GP. Like a 19 year old girl would want that?!

[nadz_2014 in reply to endopains]

I was refered for severe pain and constant bleeding, that and my headaches nausea and tiredness. I had a lap after one visit to my new gynie doc, prior to that I was sent to see a hormone specialist, as I misscarried in Jan this year...i also was taken in for weeks with sepsis caused by the miscarriage. I had an urgent ref sent after my gp got a letter back from the hormone testing. I had to take these tablets do a 24hr urine sample and blood tests for the testing then, and a lap and blood tests with my gynie doc so far..... Ah I signed to say I was having the laperoscopy and any other treatment that was required. I'll ask on Wednesday exactly what can be done to find out thanks hun xxx

[endopains in reply to nadz_2014]

I think you're under when they do it. You would have to ask for it. They run a dye through your tubes to see if they are clear. How long have you been trying? They tend to do the blood tests first at the gps. Also is your diagnosis the result of referral for pain or infertility? If your periods are regular, that's an encouraging sign most people take anywhere up to two year to concieve so don't jump straight to panic. I think your husband was just trying to be supportive, they just don't always phrase it right. Their intentions are good and insensitive rude medical staff... Welcome to the world of the endo sufferer. We all have been subjected to unbelievable rudeness. I was once told I 'wished I had pcos' by a GP. Like a 19 year old girl would want that?!

[Scooteeder]

I can totally agree with what the comment made by "Sally Bowles" says. I think it's pretty much spot on!

I have Endo, and it has affected my fertility. Unlike you, I've never had any children, and when I first got together with my hubby, we were both ambivalent as to whether we wanted to start a family, or not. At the time, we were too busy with other things - jobs, moving house, decorating the house, holidays, etc.

Time passed, and the realization dawned that hubby might make a good dad, and that starting a family could be something we both wanted. THAT is where I came to fully understand the HUGE negative impact that Endo can have. Until you find yourself dealing with something that ROBS you of SO MUCH - getting in the way of your social life; causing endless pain; forcing you to take medication; making you feel tired and ill at work affecting your career; forcing you to have surgery; reducing your chances of conception and having kids... Until you find yourself dealing with something like that, you do not understand just how much of life most people daily take for granted!

Our hopes and dreams in life are utterly unique, and personal to us. They ARE us. They are reflections of who we are as people; of what is important to us in life.

THIS is the thing that I find hardest to deal with in respect of hurtful or insensitive comments - the people making them really do NOT understand, or appreciate, your hopes and dreams, NOR do they understand or appreciate what it feels like to have them threatened.

True, you may already have children, BUT they are older now. I take it you are with a new partner, and wish to start a further family with him. So, maybe having kids with him has become important to you, because it signifies the start of this new family? Maybe it is also about the very emotional issue of having had kids with one partner - whom you are no longer with - and feeling somewhat let down by this? Now, you are with somebody who, in your eyes, would make a good dad - and so you feel you would like to have kids with this person?

Maybe you need to fully explain your feelings around this situation to your new partner. It could be that you are talking at "crossed purposes"? Perhaps your partner needs to better explain his comments. It might be that he is trying to protect you, albeit in a rather topsy-turvy manner.

Hear me out... You have been told you have Endo, and that it may affect chances of conception. You say that you are eagerly planning having more kids. Perhaps your partner is very aware just how eager and excited you were to have more kids? Perhaps he now worries that you will be disappointed, if you find it hard, or impossible to have further kids because of your Endo? So, when he tells you that having more kids doesn't matter, he does not mean it in the way you think... He's trying to tell you not to stress if it doesn't happen. Not to blame yourself for having Endo. Not to put too much pressure on yourself to become pregnant again, if the Endo prevents it.

This is a conversation that you and hubby need to have - to find out EXACTLY what you are both thinking. Only once you are both "singing from the same hymnsheet" can you move forwards. Maybe, then, you could consider discussing matters with your Doctor, and talking through the fertility aspect together. Making plans together.

Remember, your partner may be scared and confused, too, though not good at voicing it. Endo, and the impact it has on your fertility, affects him too, because it takes the 2 of you to have kids! He may worry about this, and simply not know what to do to help you, or help himself.

Fertility problems are NOT easy to talk about, and can cause pressure. But, for now, try to overlook the insensitive comments, and focus on talking things through with your partner to get an understanding of where you BOTH go from here.

Sorry for such a LONG post. I hope something here may help.

Best wishes,

E. x

P.s. If all else fails, feel free to come back to this forum to let off steam, and maybe one of us here can try to help you.

[nadz_2014 in reply to Scooteeder]

Hi E, thank you so much. You've actually got some cogs turning in my old noggin box lol. I had my children with my ex, and my current partner has been the best father to them, they call him dad, as sadly when I was a teen I was attracked to the bad boy...and he turned out to be the biggest ass ever, he's no longer allowed near me or the kids legally....the lads haven't missed out on anything as mark my oh is amazing.

We both wanted to continue the family. As we both long for the baby days again lol...

I have had a chat to him briefly, but after reading your reply im going to have a full talk with him tonight. He said last night that he sees it as having a baby would be amazing but he has a perfect family already and I shouldn't stress about giving him his child, because he already has "ours" xxx it was sweet.

I agree With everything you have said, it changes so much, before diagnosis I was in the faint hope that it was just a bug I kept getting, or something easily fixed....but now I know different and its scary and I wish I could just go back in time to talk to my younger self, tell her what will happen and give her a guiding nudge. (I wouldnt change my boys for anything though). Just wish I could go back to normality again xxx sorry its so depressive im just feeling a little low about it all today xxx

[Scooteeder in reply to nadz_2014]

Hi,

Don't worry yourself about sounding depressive, or anything like that. When something unexpected, and unpleasant, like Endo is thrown into our lives, it's only natural for it to feel unsettling, and to lead to worry. having a diagnosis of Endo can be pretty scary, as you may be unsure what damage it has done to your body. You may be uncertain as to how things will progress.

Try not to fret too much (easier said than done, I know!). Much as Endo can be unpleasant, it's not necessarily ALL "doom and gloom". Some women with Endo do get pregnant naturally. Others have successful IVF. It is all about individual cases.

So, perhaps the most sensible thing for you to do is get some facts. Start with discussing where you and hubby wish to go from here. Try to attend any medical appointments TOGETHER (hubby goes with you), so that you can both get an idea of what your diagnosis of Endo means, and how it affects you. That way, you can both be better prepared for dealing with treatment options, and suchlike. Also, you can both ask questions, and gather information.

Don't be afraid to talk things through with your doctor - talk everything through - ask what you may even think of as silly questions. No question is silly, if it means something to you. Your doctor should be there to help you, and to guide you through everything - providing you with information. The more you understand and ask about your Endo, what treatment options etc. you have, the better. Ask about whether you need treatment immediately. Ask whether it may be safe to try for a pregnancy now. Ask if you can afford to wait until later to try for a pregnancy. Ask if is better to wait, and have treatment; or whether it would be a good idea to start trying for a baby now. Think about every possible scenario, and do not be afraid to ask your doctor questions about this. Do this as a couple.

Do this after you and your hubby have talked. If you both understand how the other feels, and what the other wants, then you are better prepared to cope with this issue as a couple. If something is important to you both, don't give up on trying. But, also, don't put too much pressure on yourselves. Just having Endo can be stressful. Try to take things easy - enjoy family time together. Have fun, laugh, love. Don't forget to make time for the little, everyday things in life.

Working together as a happy, harmonious couple is not always easy when life throws you a "curved ball" - but, a happy, harmonious couple are in as good a position as any to try to deal with life's ups and downs.

Very best wishes to you, and family,

E. x