No hope

I feel that my depression has further killed any chance of getting my ex or my family back. She is interested in another man and I would have loved them for eternity. She won't even speak to me and I feel she turned her back. I don't know if I actually want to die or if it's a nice thought of not feeling like this :(

I feel so ashamed posting that on here

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12 Replies

  • I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. First of all, you have no cause to feel ashamed. Confronting your feelings is a brave thing, and the most important step, without which you can't move forwards.

    From what you said before, it sounds as though you both went through a period of terrible trauma, nobody could pass through that untouched. My impression is that the two of you have had trouble communicating, both understanding and expressing your own feelings, and when you're already struggling it's the hardest thing to see past your own troubles and try to read someone else. Tempers fray, people put on masks, misunderstandings happen.

    The fact that she won't talk it through with you makes this harder, but it sounds to me like a coping mechanism, she's been hurt and wants to put that behind her, so she's trying to shut you out too. In my experience, when we've suffered we deal with it in different ways - sometimes, like you, we try to soldier on until eventually we feel like we're breaking under the weight of grief and regret. Sometimes we lash out, blaming ourselves and whoever else was involved, gathering our pride around us like armour. It could be that this man she's interested in is just a reaction, a need to turn away and seek distraction, to get back her self-belief and feel attractive. She may come to her senses when she's had more time, or it could be that it's time for both of you to move on.

    Have you tried writing her a letter? That can be the best way of setting out your thoughts and feelings clearly. Since you have a daughter I assume you have rights as a father, so would it also be worth talking to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, with a view to maybe arranging a meeting with her to talk things through?

    Since my last relationship broke up - and I was convinced it was my last, that I had found happiness for life - I have done a lot of thinking myself. At the time I was heartbroken, but it dawned on me that my partner and I both came away from the relationship with a valuable and fundamental lesson, a change in our selves which had been needed for a long time. We didn't get back together, we've both moved on, but we are friends and understand each other.

    Perhaps you'll have come out of this with greater empathy and understanding, a more open and expressive person than you were before. Changes like that don't come cheaply, they hurt you to the core, but they help you to grow.

    What you want isn't oblivion, it's an end to the suffering you're going through, you yourself are clearly warm and vital and full of love.

    I feel sure you can rise up from this. You're young, you're intelligent and you have common sense which shows through in what you've written. You have a strength in you which you don't even realise, and there are positive steps you can take. We never know the path ahead, anything could happen, but you'll be better prepared to catch hold of any opportunity if you take care of yourself first. Depression is something you can fight and overcome. Who knows, if your partner sees your new-found strength and resolve, she might realise her mistake?

    Best of luck to you. :-)


  • Wonderful reply Aleisis x

  • Hey - I understand what you're going through because I had the same experience. I was with someone for 10 years (married for 7).

    One day, out of the blue, my (ex) spouse told me we had an appointment with a couples counselor....exactly 1 hour beforehand. I was quite surprised! Not only did I have to work that day-and had to call in sick at very short notice-but it was also close to Chrismas and we had happily decorated the house 2 days earlier.

    When I arrived at the appointment, I quickly found out that the intention was not to resolve any issues, but to announce to me that the marriage was over!!! In addition, I was also notified that an hour after the appointment was over, the movers were going to arrive at the house to take half of our belongings to his (unbeknownst to me) new house. He had apparently met someone else a year and a half earlier.

    I felt sucker-punched, especially because he had been sick the previous year and needed me to take care of him, so I turned down a dream-job opportunity. He even went on to announce that he wanted to divorce me before he got sick, but soon after, he got a diagnosis and didn't say anything to me so I'd stay around to take care of him.

    So, at the appointment, I went into shock and had a panic attack. I wanted to go back home and curl up in bed, but when I pulled up, the moving truck arrived. Living in a beachside community, I drove to the beach and sat there for a few hours feeling numb.

    When the shock was over, I went into a deep depression. It was a living hell. We still communicated (and even hung out a few times) afterwards until we went to get our taxes done for the previous year. As soon as that was done with (again, with no notification), he blocked me on the phone and on social media.

    Anyway, looking back on it, I definitely would classify it as trauma. As I was already prone to depression, the co-morbidity definitely exacerbated the situation.

    Finally, I noticed my family was judging me. They had done much more with me when I was married and successful., however, when I became single, their invitations and phone calls dwindled significantly.

    It took me a very long time to recover - partly because when my ex got sick, he badgered me to switch over to his employer's health insurance (I live in the US) - so when he decided to terminate the marriage, I was removed from the policy. Being alone, jobless, and depressed, it was challenging for me to pay for my own insurance or private counselor.

    I then moved to a new city, but my depression (and probably PTSD) continued, so I still couldn't function like I used to.

    Now, after 2 years, I feel a little better. My current situation is by no means great or ideal because I'm still catching up on all the time I missed out on, but at least I am more motivated and living independently.

    I have felt a lot of shame the past few years because I truly believed there was something about me that was very defective. It's natural to feel that way after trauma.

    The more I felt like that, the worse it got, which made me notice that the more I repeated telling myself something, the better I'd learn it (kinda like studying).

    So, for my own survival, I made myself repeatedly think of and do things I was good at, which started to make me feel better. I also forced myself to engage in such activities in settings where I could meet new people (for me, I had enjoyed running, skiing, and yoga so I started back up with local groups, which was an effort when I Didn't want to leave my bed or my house!)

    Anyway, if you're able to go see a pro, take advantage of the privilege because it will help you get through this MUCH faster.

    i wish you the best!

  • Reading your message my mouth fell open a little bit more each line i read. You have been very fortunate to get away from a selfish self centered cruel man. Its shocking to see how someone can treat another human being and i hope and pray you get up every day and you get out there and make an amazing life for yourself and hold your head high knowing your a better person than he could ever be...I pity his new partner she may find herself in the same position one day x

  • Like Mandy, i literally could not believe what i read. It sickens me that a person can have so little regard for another. I am actually speechless and i could not imagine the trauma and scars it left you.

  • Im so sorry to read your news. I know you must be so hurt

    Robbie Williams sings a song and in it he sings the words .."I dont want to die but im not keen on living either"

    Dont feel ashamed of feeling pain, its nothing to feel ashamed of we need our emotions to get us through life they make us stronger but can make us weaker if we allow them to run wild.. I would eat my hat if anyone on here had not felt that way even for a split second. When my depression was at its worse i use to think about how i would put and end to things and it was just my way of coping with my pain and telling myself there is a way out if it gets too much but it didnt get too much because i kept going just like most of us.

    There are 3 sides to a story, your side , her side then the whole side ...The first post you wrote on here you were taking full responsibility of the split even though there were things you wrote that showed you were not solely to blame. You will get through this and you will do it one step at a time and an hour a time and a day at a time. I was with my partner 12 years and some of it was hell and then he had a massive heart attack and died at the age of 39...Ive brought my children up alone and now struggle with a lung disease but i havnt given up....:)

    You need to concentrate on getting yourself well because that is something you can take control of and at the moment its whats important .

    We are always here to pull you up when you need a hand x

  • Never feel ashamed of feeling down, use the feeling to help pick yourself up. OK it's not nice to feel as you do (I know from personal experiences) but you have to try to find a positive in it all,is "you feel like crap but now the only thing is you Will f3el better by talking or posting your thoughts" just remember many of us on here are going through the same things and a problem shared !you have not said how long you have been apart nor if it was depression that caused the split? If it was then more shame on her.

  • Hello

    Just read your letter from five days ago.

    Your daughter, sad to say has been born with a chronic condition , this would have really caused both you and your Wife a great deal of stress, anger and flustration.

    Sad to say now She has moved on and the real loser through all of this is your child.

    It now seems that your Wife has made a future for Herself and sad to say the child has now become a part of that move. So now, sad to say you need to look for a new pathway and begin again.

    Have words with your GP and there may be help from that source as there are several organisations that may be able to offer support.

    Have both of you discussed a way forward, separation, divorce, and access to the Child. ??

    All is so messy, no-one here can walk your path here, although you need to consider that proposed new way.

    I always in these cases feel sorry for the child, they generally always loose from no fault of their own.

    Your death would never be a good idea. Suicide is not an easy way out and I can tell from experience it can affect so many people including your Child, Sad to say it would seem you Wife has negative feelings from an earlier time.

    If you feel that way talk to your GP and He may be able to help.

    You know where we are if you need too chat or get support.

    Live is so hard


  • Hi

    I have been in the same position and it's horrible to feel she is moving on and you need some help and support. The person you trusted ,but all I can say is focus on your health get support from here and other avenues you can torture yourself but going over and over the past and it won't help you get better.

    There is nothing to say she won't talk to you again get strong by focusing on your recovery. Your thoughts are only normal because the depression is a constant battle with yourself , some days you feel your winning then your losing. There's no shame x

  • Hi there,

    Life has its ways of telling us things, whether its good or bad but that's how life is. If she is going out with someone then i would say rather than convince her to come back just let it be and let her find her own way in life. whatever the cause of the breakup is if you feel it's not going to get better then try to see some positive in it, if you can. out of every situation whether its good or bad there's something positive to learn and move forward with it. if you love her then you want her to be happy. We all have some sort of relation ship issues be it with parents or spouses or siblings so there is no shame in what you have said.

    If you are able to take some time out, go on a short break or a walk, come back and decide how you want to move forward with your life. maybe dating someone will change your mood and help you move forward but there's no reason to say you want to die, life has so much more to offer and one day you will realize that and never look back.

  • Thank you all for your replies. This last weekend was not a good one. Today is Day 6 of the meds (citalopram) and i know these side affects are normal but my god is it kicking my ass. I am zombie, i can't sleep, lost my appetite, my sexual desire is all but gone, i get night sweats and the occassional real low. I am going to stick with it because i've read and read and read and this isn't uncommon at all. I am hoping i don't start getting very vivid dreams.

    However my ex really doesn't understand this illness and i am worried i have further made the situation worse and pushed her away. I fear she is scared of me because i am not myself. How can i make her understand? Wait until this first few weeks is done and just hope she see's me for me again?

    I must admit i had a fairly bad panic attack last night and i feel pretty anxious today. I am back to work today but feel like a goldfish in a bowl. I don't feel like i want to talk to anyone and want to lock myself away (and sleep). My ex and i split about a year ago and looking back i think i've suffered for a while.... i fear this caused it and bacause she really doesn't understand this illness it will further hinder everything.

    I really appreciate all of your kind words and i do feel like i will get there, think i should distance myself until i feel more in control. This reply is kind of to you all, i felt it was much easier to do it this way right now in my current tired zombie like state. I may go home soon and try to sleep, my boss has been very good so far and knows this is out of character.

    Looking back at my first post i don't think she is moving on, she is escaping. She doesn't live near this man (who is abroad) and i believe it is almost a fantasy land. I am worried she is also struggling. My biggest fear is that she doesn't see an illness but just a crazy person she doesn't know.... She is a wonderful person and mother and has probably had harder than me with having all of her career stripped away from her. Being a full time carer is hard, maybe harder when you don't get out that much or to live life. I won't give up on her and will try to be friend to her... if she ever lets me near her again.

    So hard all this mental health stuff, like many people i didn't understand it and thought alot of it was self inflicted... or could just be snapped out of... but depression and anxiety attacks are blooming horrible!!!



  • Oh I feel your pain ! I think I have been depressed for some time but only recently got the help , I wasn't easy to live with be with etc and I truly believe if you've not suffered with depression then you can't understand it fully. My ex left said I had different personalities but it was my moods all over the place. I see him getting on and I'm resentful asking why me ? But I have decided to focus on me because I am always the carer and nurturer I need to get myself back. Then when I do see him one day I will be "me" and like they say "if you can't have me at my worse you can't have me at my best"

    It's always difficult for the other person they want you to "snap out" of it , if only. Give her time and space and you focus on you x

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