Everything is hard

[Kim29]

Hello all I've not posted on here for a few months. I am ready to have my baby girl I'm a few weeks and have spent the last moths concentrating on trying to stay healthy medication free!! This as been hard work. I have been physically poorly with all types of different pregnancy related stuff all the way through and mentally this as taken it's toll at times. I know this post is going to turn into a big rambling mess but I feel like I have so many emotions running around inside me that my head and chest can't keep up. I'm so scared to talk to anyone about them because I don't want people to think I'm not coping when I am I just feel like rubbish and subdued. It's in my maternity notes that I have had to stop taking meds due to my pregnancy and does anyone realise how differently people/ midwives treat you when they read this so how could I speak to them. I feel like I have cut everyone off I exist every day and go to bed every night (not with much sleep) and do the same the next day. Me and my husband are just a million miles away from each other. I feel like we live in the same house pay the same bills and look after the same children but that's it!! I think he's fed up with the situation but no1 wants to upset a pregnant depressive do they?! So he carries on everyday doing the same as me plodding along. I try to talk to him but if I do I feel like I'm putting on more pressure and it's pushing him away even more. I should be so happy excited and "blossoming" right now but I'm far from it. I don't feel like I have the enthusiasm for this beautiful little lady that is going to come into my life that I have had for my other children and that's just not right at all!! Everything is wrong and I feel trapped I have no idea how to make changes!!!

[secondhandrose2]

Hi,

Firstly, well done for making the effort to go through pregnancy with taking meds as far as possible, that took courage and must have taken a lot of will power, but your baby will be better for it.

it is absolutely natural for many women to feel their emotions are all over the place towards the end of pregnancy (and throughout for many! and coping with depression as well must make that more difficult so try not to beat yourself up about it.

Having strained relations at the moment with your husband must be hard, and is sad, because you need each other right now. He will probably be worried about how you as a couple are going to cope with the new baby and he will also be wondering what kind of Dad he is going to make, all very natural worries. He is probably also worried about how you will cope although you will probably cope very much better than either of you imagine. Do you love him? If you do, then things will probably settle down in time.

However you do not mention whether you have any other sources of support and coping with a baby with only the two of you will be hard. I do not know whether it will suit you but you might consider joining the National Childbirth Trust - it is not too late and they are able to offer a lot of support and advice to new parents. They are a bit middle class but I found them really friendly and they have coffee mornings for new mums and their babies which was the most supportive thing of all I found as any worries were shared with other people. I was depressed when I had my children but seeing the way other mums struggled as much if not more than me gave me enormous reassurance. It would also be worth seeing whether there are any other mother and baby groups near you, especially if you are not going back to work - that's if you have been working at this time. If not then you will find having some social contact helpful even though you may imagine being depressed will make it hard to mix - many new mums get depressed and so it will not seem strange if you are too!

Why not write a letter to your husband telling him how you feel about him, about having his baby, about your hopes and fears, and dreams for you all. You could tell him about how you feel now about being depressed and how you imagine he feels about that, saying you understand if he doesn't want to talk about it (men often prefer a head in the sand approach to life) but that you love him and just want him to know that - and that you will all be fine when you are a family. Making him feel more positively will help you both as he will feel more able to support you after the birth and know something of what is going on for you.

Do you have support during the birth period? You do need someone, I wish I was near and could support you (I'm a young pensioner) as I think having someone of a mum's age around to offer comfort and reassurance during labour is really helpful - do you have your mum anywhere near and will she support you - all depends upon your relationship with her whether that will be helpful...

Keep writing on here as although we are not mums to be we will all support you and hopefully it will be a safe refuge for you to come to when things feel to much - as they undoubtedly do at times for all new mums!

Hugs, and one for the baby too, keep well.

Suexxx

[Kim29 in reply to secondhandrose2]

Thanks sue I've just read your comment through streams of tears. I have an amazing support network but struggle to use it. My mum is an absolute diamond but she would be heartbroken to know I was feeling like this and not sharing it with her but she has so much on herself. My sister passed away a few years ago and my mum now looks after her children full time so I hate to add to her pressure. When I was severely depressed last year it was so hard for her to watch one of her children in that state that I don't want to put her through it again.

Me and my husband already have children so I know that this is probably all part and parcel of what we should expect but I just feel so lost this time. I'm not working this time either for the 1st time ever because I was made redundant at the beginning of my pregnancy so I've become a stay at home mum which I think can become mundane.

Don't get me wrong I adore my children and I know how lucky I am to have them but it still doesn't remove this black cloud that's hanging over my head. I absolutely adore my husband he's been there at the hardest possible times but I find it hard to talk to him these days I feel like something's changed in our relationship but I have no idea what or how to fix it. I feel like if I tell him how I feel I am leaving myself open and vulnerable to not getting the response I need from him because for the 1st time ever I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling.

I want to be the strong in dependant person that I once was but I fear that that person is long gone xxx

[secondhandrose2 in reply to Kim29]

I'm sorry what I wrote brought you to tears, but then I know that sometimes tears are better than just feeling subdued and maybe a bit lifeless.

I didn't know anything about your situation - but got it all wrong as I imagined it was your first baby!

It sounds as though you are feeling lost because you are no longer able to be strong and independent - and perhaps your working was part of that identity too.

Do talk with your husband - and if he doesn't want to talk then do consider writing - just to tell him that you love him and how you feel about not being able to share how you are feeling with him. Allowing your relationship to become distanced won't help either of you, or the new baby, or the children you already have.

Why not ask him what HE feels about having another baby, and about how you are being low. Tell him how you feel about not still being the strong independent person you were - perhaps he misses that person too.

It's not long until the baby arrives - and that is always a stressful time for any couple. I wonder, do you know how your husband feels about having another baby, was it planned?

Maybe you need to allow yourself to be dependant - we all need to depend upon others at times and not be strong - but perhaps you are worried about whether your husband wants you to be like that? You won't know unless you talk with him, or write and at least give him the opportunity of knowing how you feel.

Suexx

[Kim29 in reply to secondhandrose2]

Don't apologise for 1 second it is the 1st bit of real emotion I have shown for weeks I knew everything you meant and it is all true. I need to be "weak" sometimes I just really struggle with it.

I'm gonna have to bite the bullet at some point but I need to be able to back down and stop coasting hoping that something will change.

I just want to feel normal and secure xxx

[Suzie40]

If you've previously had depression you're far more likely to experience it during pregnancy and afterwards as well. My honest advice to you would be to talk to your GP about antidepressants that you can start taking now and continue them until the baby is a few months old. I had PND twice and if I ever became pregnant again I would look for preventative measures x

[another-girl]

Hi!

First, congratulations! You'll have a beautiful little girl i'm sure of that!

Giving life, this is such a beautiful moment in your life!

My heart is with you and with your beautiful family!

So, it's okay to feel sad and to be upset you know.. Maybe after the baby's born (I don't know if it's a word) try to do things with your husband, like go out just together for dinner! Or just walk a little bit with him!

Tell him that you love him, and show it to him !

He will come to you again, don't worry!

Thousand hugs for you!

-another young girl xx

[SLSL]

Hey Kim

I know how you feel with regards to being unable to speak to your hubby.

I don't have children (which adds to my frustration with life) but I have a husband who goes out of his way to avoid having to deal with my feelings. And, I guess indeed that's their way of coping perhaps, though especially in your situation the least helpful.

I liked the idea above about writing him a letter, I was thinking to write one to my hubby.

How is your baby doing? When are you due? I'm sure once she has arrived, your hubby will engage more again. Look after yourself, good diet etc, sleep as much as you can.

Keep writing x