I had mania and psychosis a year ago. Now I'm depressed.

[Kim5555]

Hi everyone. So about a year ago I was away travelling alone. I was in good physical shape. About 18 months ago I experienced one brief episode of extreme paranoia after smoking weed (big mistake.) This was the first time I smoked in about 5 years and have not smoked since. Then for 6 months I started getting into spiritual type self help e-books and doing hot yoga. During this time I believed that movies contained special messages to me as well as the appearance of certain numbers. Though it wasn't harmful to me in anyway. When abroad this all escalated into me believing that I had discovered the meaning of life, that I was the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ, that I was psychic, that I would live in the Taj Mahal, that I had special powers, that I would become a famous musician and just about everything was a special message to me. I was sleeping very little, my mind constantly raced, and my mood would alternate between being excitable and full of energy to being extremely paranoid and full of shame. I was hospitalised and put on sodium valporate and olanzapine (zyprexa) and diagnosed as being bi-polar and as having had acute psychosis. Now one year later I am off my medication but am thoroughly thoroughly depressed and completely lacking in motivation to do anything. I don't get pleasure out of things the way I used to and hide from all social interaction because it requires so much energy and effort on my part to pretend to be happy and pleasant. I feel guilty all the time and feel sorry for my dad especially for having to see me like this. My drivers license has been taken away from me because of my diagnosis and I do not have a job. I feel completely stuck. I just want to sleep and eat and watch tv. I don't even enjoy playing video games or drinking alcohol or playing sport like I used to. I have recently started running 3x a week and it is mentally absolutely excruciating whilst doing in. I enjoy the physical exertion, but having to face all my thoughts while exercising is horrible. I have no university degree as I dropped out. I also believe that it will be very hard for me to find a partner for reasons I won't go in to. I just cannot shake feelings of guilt and apathy. I am lazy but I don't even enjoy being lazy. But I don't have the motivation to try and do anything with my life. I just do not see the point. If my family were not here I do not know what I would do. I used to be motivated and earn good money, and I exercised frequently. At school I got straight As and captained 2 sports teams. Now I am lost. I just wish I could start over or at least go back to my episode of psychosis and stop it from happening. The reality of life is that there is no meaning other than what we give it. I could choose to become religious, I could choose to become an alcoholic, I could choose to become a marathon runner. I could choose to devote my life to others. I could choose to devote my life to mastering the guitar. I could choose to devote my life to chasing women or searching for love. I could choose to become incredibly well read. I could choose to play video games all day or travel until I run out of money. But ultimately there is no point. And I do not enjoy doing anything anymore so what is the point? I hate being mentally unwell. I even refuse to accept that I am and just call myself lazy instead. I don't understand how people are naturally happy. I've tried my best and all it did was escalate I to mania and then hospitalisation. What is the point? It's up to me to each of us to create our own meaning. But because I'm depressed and don't see the point, my chosen meaning is that everything is pointless, which it is. So where is my way out? What is the way forward? The only thing that really keeps me going is my relationships to my friends and family. But I don't get any enjoyment out of them. They just force me to pretend I am happy and force laughter to interact with them. It's all a facade. It always has been. Now I'm just out of energy and even I now see through the mask I've been putting on all these years. I'd feel too guilty about my effect on them to ever even think about killing myself, and I'm too afraid to do it. I really should choose a new meaning for myself. I am wasting every opportunity given to me. And I am ungrateful. Reality scares the shit out of me. And I feel all social interaction is forced and not genuine. For me to be genuine, it means being depressed. I wish I knew what to do to help myself.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello and I am sorry to read your story as I can see how bad you feel going from someone with no major problems to someone who had an acute psychotic episode diagnosed bi-polar and now off meds going through what sounds like a clinical depression. It is really tough for you.

I wonder if you are under a pyschiatrist or physician and if so is it worth seeing them or worth seeing one again if you are not? It may be that some more meds could balance you out or give you a slight lift without hitting a "high". I am not an expert on this but I do know that meds can be a fine balance and maybe being off them completely does not suit you?

I admire all your honesty in what you wrote and can relate very much to the depressive type of feelings as I have suffered from them all my life but for me it is more reactive and with you it sounds chemical from what you have said which is why I am wondering if it is worth looking into more meds.

I do understand you have had to adjust your life in ways you would rather not (eg; no longer being allowed to drive) and this in itself is depressing so as well as meds maybe some cognitive behaviour therapy could help you come to terms with the limitations you now face which will take some adjusting to after previously living a carefree existence.

I don't know whether you are on any bi-polar forums but it may be worth taking a look. By the way of course you are not ungrateful or lazy as these thoughts and the lack of sense of meaning are all part of the chemical imbalance you are experiencing.

Take good care my friend and really sorry to hear you are struggling so much.

Gemmalouise Xx

[Gambit62]

Difficult to know what to say.

Always thought the ups were the real curse of bi-polar so grateful that I never had to contend with or inflict those on people around me.

Good that you have people around you.

Sounds like you are still clinging on to the idea of finding a meaning and actually I think life is meaning in itself. Even in the most Sh*t awful times there is usually something that you can appreciate - a single colour, a ray of light ... and so what if you are the only person who appreciated it - you were there to do that.

Not suggesting that you turn religious ... but you might find mindfulness based meditation helpful. The main concept is being aware of the difference between you and your thoughts so you can get back in the driving seat rather than having your thoughts run away with you. I found the following book helped me a lot ... but I'd also done quite a bit of mindfulness based meditation anyway before I read the book. Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman - it's based on an 8 week course in MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) ... but try and join a meditation group as well so that you actually have someone you can talk to about mindfulness - Buddhist meditative practices are based on mindfulness ... some Catholic practices are also based on mindfulness.

I find it interesting that you say that the runs are difficult because you of the thoughts - for me running is a time when I can concentrate on being in my body and the thoughts are banished ... though I will admit that there can be times when it is an effort to get to that point and all my mind is telling me to do is curl up in a little ball and see if I can disappear.

It's probably a very simplistic view but I sort of think of bi-polar as being what happens when something pushes you out of equilibrium and rather than just going to rest and damping down you just swing violently around the equilibrium ... so you have to find other ways of damping the movement.

Best of luck ... though I guess right now you only believe in bad luck