My depression isn't even my fault

I'm going to start by saying, thanks for taking some of your time to read my story. I hope I can be entertaining enough :) maybe it's fate that set your eyes to this, and maybe somehow we can in the end help each other. Unless its about my grammar, there is no help for that!

A little about me:)

I was a cute little kid, and very loved by my family. I was the first grand baby born from a first grand baby, which was special in my family. i was cherrished but not a spoiled rotten brat. i always carried a very sweet disposition. My mom met my dad when I was about 1. My dad proposed with adoption papers! Then my brother came and broke the mold of all things onry and we didn't go too far from home after that. My parents had 2 more boys before they divorced when I was 15. My mom was the one to walk away. I helped in raising my brothers after that. My dads heart fell into a darkness and he became abusive. I was kicked out at 17. But that was 20 years ago and I've since dealt with all that. That's not why I'm here, but I will continue.....

I was raped when I was 19 and became pregnant with my first child.

He saved my life! After straightening out my life as it was, and fully embracing the joys of motherhood for a few years, I decided it was time to get out there and find true love!

I should let you know that I am a hopeless romantic and a very optimistic person by nature. I have this wonderful ability to let negative things roll off my back and soak in every happy moment life has to offer!

So very carefully I met a man. Online. I know I know , you gotta be thinking I'm a nutcase! But this was also 12 years ago, before the creeps were being made aware of & all was fairly innocent and exciting! Anyway, I met me a fire fighter from sunny California! He was very handsome and charming blah blah.....obviously you get that something happened. It turned out that he was a convicted kid touched and he got the boot as quick as lightning, but not before planting his seed prior to his exit. He tried coming around but in the end I told him my uncles were gonna stuff his ass in an oil pumping unit and he would crushed into a million pieces 100 feet benieth the earth. I never seen him again!

My baby was 6 weeks old when I was literally drug out of my house by my mom who made me get out and socialize. I went (looking like dog shit) and had a blast! I even met a guy. He had me from even before hello with his charming banter and sexy eyes. He was kind and sincere and affectionate and handsome and gentle and he didn't aim to get into my pants! In fact we waited a few months for that! He was barely 21 and I 23.

He liked to go out to the bars and socialize with his friends. Which is basically all there is to do here. I noticed that he sure liked to drink and he would get PLOWED but quickly name me even 5 freshly 21 yr olds who don't act like that!

Besides, I wasn't one to judge, I'm a recovering meth addict and mother of 2 children out of wedlock. And it was just a phase he was going through anyway.

That was 11 years ago now.......

11 whole years......

On the eve of our wedding (8yrs ago) we were at our reception. Now by this time I'm pretty well used to him drinking like he does, still waiting for this phase to subside, thinking marriage will give him a reason to grow there we were freshly married. My very drunk uncle who loves me with his soul and just so happy for me and loved how pretty I looked all day came up, put his arm around me and planted a smooch right on my lips. And them we almost tumbled over and began to laugh and hug and say love yous.

When my husband and I made it back to our honeymoon suit at the motel it wasn't even 10 minutes that we were there before he started a fight. This was the first time he yelled to me that I was a whore. The second was when I was pregnant with our first child together 6yrs ago after I had confided in him that I had been raped. The third wasn't even a month ago on my birthday weekend when I attempted a night out with some friends.

I had no idea 2 of my brothers were on their way to surprise me for my birthday. The fight abruptly ended upon their arrival.....I did not tell them a truth when they could see I had been crying.

I could write a book filling in the huge gaps of time in my story about all the bullshit I've been through.....but here I am. A mom of 4 now who no longer sees her friends. Who no longer wears makeup on her pretty face. Who no longer styles her long curly hair. I stay home with my kids and be the bestest mom for them. I keep the drama away from their ears eyes and hearts. I take it and swallow it. Honestly I usually cope by smoking the gonge and relying on my herbal therapy, but even that has been taken away. I'm no longer giggly and optimistic. But I do force my self to at least try to be. It's been a battle, but inside me I'm still there and I hang on to the beautiful person I know I am with all my soul.

Why don't I leave?

I don't want my kids to suffer through a divorce like me and my brothers did

I can't support them alone. That's not an excuse. I literally can't support 4 kids and $1600 rent in a 2bdrm apartment on minimum wage without them hating me & I don't want to be on welfare for my whole life either.

I can live in this emotionally miserable life I hope. Today is just a really bad day and when I express my feelings to him he defends his behavior. I'm not asking for help. I'm just venting as I no longer have a person to speak to.


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3 Replies

  • Dear Daisy ,I hope it is not too late to answer you as your subject attract me , I keep believing that none could really understand someone accurate feeling though she keep her accompany along all the time ,but I want to tell you ,dear ,it is real everyone has a story ,sad ,unhappy ,maybe they all think of end life ,but lives are no longer yours since you grow up especially you are a mom ,life is responsibility in most of cases ,after we are adults ,in some certain forms ,lives are not ourselves ,we can't do what we want to ,we should follow our parents suggestion or you really will pay what you did ,now I know I am paying ,I am sorry to hear that you grow up in the single family and have that bad experience,but contrutulations ,you got all through ,now you are mom of 4 ,you are strong ,I admired you!!!! maybe sometimes we feel lone we want to be cared ,but I think we should make it clear that in the world except us ,none would really loved us don't mentioned they know our bad past life ,after all ,we can't have that courage to highly estimated anyone's bearing ability or to be honest they just don't love you that much ,they just want different ,sometimes maybe it is real someone just can't find the suitable person for herself in her whole life ,then we need to learn to give up ,love is always complicated and never a easy matter . Do you believe destiny ? I believe so ,I just think god has its arrangements for everyone or want to let you be more stronger maybe at this moment you will ask why me ?no reasons dear ,it just picked up you ,so why not calm down and face it ,before I always ask myself why my mom has cancer ,why my dad will lost all money even we don't have place to live at such age ,why my friend could find a good guy to get married they have parents to arrange work ,working in bank the comformatable place ,why I must go far away from home ,work alone ,after work just stay alone in the dormitory face the 4 sides wall ,why me ? why ? but now I never ask that kind of question even in the deep of my heart,maybe you can say life defeat me ,who knows ?I don't know ,I just know god picked me ,it happend then I have no any other choice but face it ,calm down to do what should to ,to work ,try to help my family ,I think something good will happen when it doesn't matter .....

    Hope everything goes well

  • I would just like to say hold on to all the strengths that has made you a survivor through more than 30 years. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for

  • I absolutely agree, keep strong .

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