‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ I said. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong, I just…. need to see who else is out there, spread my wings, try new things. Otherwise I’ll spend my whole life regretting it….’ Silence. Not a word. ‘You’ve got so much to offer other people,’ I continued, filling the void with inadequate words. ‘You’re so funny, encouraging, supportive, you’ve never let me down. I don’t know where I’d be without you…. it’s just something have to do… for me.’ Still nothing. ‘Ok, well, bye then.…’
I felt terrible, but I was itching to get my hands on my new date, who had so much more going for them. They were fresh and new and exciting, and rather good looking too, if a bit flashy in comparison. Did I like flashy? I think I did. They were so full of knowledge - enlightening, I was drawn in like a Pooh to a honey pot and I couldn’t wait to get out with them and see where it took us. Sarah had got a bit boring, we’d grown familiar and comfortable and a bit cheesy, like last year’s slippers.
My heart was pounding, my mouth dry, butterflies swirling in my stomach. I swept my hair back into a slinky bun and smoothed down my new top. This was it, the moment I had been waiting for. Doubt flickered in my mind, did I really want to do this, to find out what it would be like with another? But I was there and so were they….No going back now….
Well, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I won’t go into details as this is a family forum but it wasn’t pretty. Did I want to know how I was performing at timely intervals? No. It just gave me the willies. Sorry, ok, I’ll stop now.
So having avoided all forms of tracking, pacing and I don’t know what for the last 19 odd weeks, I finally succumbed to Map My Run who told me I did my first ever 5km in 33.38 seconds. And about a minute of that was faffing about with my phone. Kms varied from 6.15 to 7.02 mins so I need to sort my pace out. But I am SO happy and chuffed to know that I can do it in an ok time and that I’m not taking hours. Do I feel worthy of the title runner now, finally, 2 months post-grad? Yes, I think at last I do!!!! 
Why do I allow this all to govern the way I feel about myself? I don’t know, just human I suppose.
But I am going back to the lovely Sarah Millican & Week 9 on repeat, she’s a part of me now and I don’t want to do this without her. And I’m going to slow down. I want to enjoy and savour each run, not be anxious and panicky that my next lap is going to be slower than the last, pushing myself into my the uncomfortable and unenjoyable. But I might do an extra lap at the weekends if I feel like it.
Happy running everyone!
. So she's like my stabilisers, without her I'm all over the place! Gotta stick with what you know! 
Massive thank you to all for your encouragement 😁
Ooof that was tough - inner demons
Back Home and Running 
W5R3 in your face! 
Week 4 run 1 done
