I have not run

Over the course of starting this programme I have made my husband Derek so proud of my achievements. He had oesophageal cancer so it seemed right to put my name down to do the Race for Life and he watched, encouraged and applauded me as I reached 5k and then 10k. And since then I have not run.

He was supposed to be there, waiting at the finish line when I do my Race in May but he won't and instead of running for him I will be running in his memory.

I wouldn't ordinarily ask this but this is obviously very close to my heart so if anyone wants to donate to my JustGiving page for Cancer Research you can find it here:


47 Replies

  • Oh Hilbean, I am speechless. All my best wishes go to you.

    I followed your story and it touched my heart how your husband supported you (while taking fotos of birds and animals). I will keep you both in my memory.

    And he will be there waiting at the finishing, just you can't see him ...


  • Oh Hilly, I am so so sorry for your loss .....

    My thoughts are with you. He was so proud of you and your achievements .

    Massive hugs to you and I wish you peace and comfort .

    I am so sorry Hilly xxx

  • I decided to get fit again after I lost my partner to oesophageal cancer, so lost weight and did c25k. We had always hill-walked together but had stopped when he got ill. I will also be doing my race for life in his memory and he will be there with me.

    My thoughts are with you.

  • I cannot say anything except I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such an insidious disease and seems to be affecting so many people.

    I am running the RFL too in memory of my Dad and a friend who died recently. I am sure your other half will be with you every step of the way.


  • Such terribly sad news to hear Hilbean and for you, a million times worse. I cannot imagine the depth of sadness and loss you feel right now. But he is always here in spirit, because your memories burn brightly of him and he'll carry on supporting you running. I bet that you will forever associate the feeling of accomplishments with your running with your husband Derek.

    Keep running - when you're ready to face it once again. It'll help I am sure.

  • Oh Hil, I really don't know what to say. I've followed your journey from the early weeks of the programme as you described the ups and downs of your running; the beautiful scenery where you live and across 'the bridge'; your 5k PB and reaching 10k, and, of course, your husband's illness. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's cruel and it's sad and so unfair. I'm sure your husband was Incredibly proud of you and all you've achieved. I hope the calm grace you've displayed over the months, that has been so evident in your posts, will help you during the coming months. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Carrie xxx

  • Oh Hilbean that is such sad news, I am so sorry. Gosh that race for life is going to be so emotional for you. I guess each time you run now you will feel Derek with you willing you on to complete your goals. Xxx

  • So sorry for your loss, Hilbean xxxx

  • I have no words.

    This Cancer has also taken a parent wickedly prematurely from each of two of my friends. It seems to be particularly aggressive and there needs to be more awareness and research. Thank you for your bravery in continuing to highlight this cause with your run. I have donated & hope many other forum members do too so that you raise lots of money in your husband's memory.

    Thinking of you.

  • Oh Hil, such a terrible loss to bear. I can only imagine how devastated you must be feeling. Derek was so proud of your achievements and, in time, when you come back to your running he will be there in spirit willing you on.

    In the meantime I wish you comfort and strength. Know that we are all thinking of you xx

  • I am lost for words......my deepest sympathy to you and your family. Your running story has been inspirational to many on here and with so much to contend with you still found time to support and encourage others. If I could hug you I would and offer help of any kind.I will donate and be thinking of you .....x

  • I challenge anyone to say they read that without having tears come to their eyes. How terribly sad and devastating for you. But your memories can never be taken away. As someone else has said, I'm sure running will be incredibly emotional for you, but at the same time will probably be something that can help keep you going over the next few weeks and months, with a definite target to aim for and a reason to get out there when you're ready. Remember we're all here supporting you, albeit from a distance, and will be right behind you when you are ready to make it out of the door again.

  • I doubt you'll have realised just how much we've all enjoyed following your struggles and successes, through C25K and beyond, Hil, but we've got to know you so personally through your lovely descriptions of where you live and run, and you have a place in our hearts. You're "family", and I'm sure we'll do whatever we can to support you when we're able. And as family, you're loved and appreciated, and you'll be sorely missed if you wander away from here and on FB. Please don't lose contact Hil, we love you!

  • Hilbean, I'm so very sorry. I hope you are being kind to yourself and that you will be able to enjoy running soon.

    Life is so unfair.

    Like others have said your husband will be there, supporting you; you just can't see him....

    Look after yourself xxx

  • I'm so sorry Hil. That's unspeakably sh*t news. Make sure you're in touch with warm supportive people who can help you try to eat/sleep/face the world, and do take care. Thinking of you lots. Xxxx

  • A big hug for all your bravery and heartbreak. xx You're inspirational.

  • I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. Take care.

  • So very sorry for your loss.

  • I am very shocked and very sorry to read this. I hope reading our posts can help you in this difficult time. Please be gentle to yourself and allow time to go through the loss cycle. It won't necessarily get any easier with time but you will get better dealing with it and living with a piece of you missing. Big virtual hug to you xxx

  • I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this has been for you, but I can only also wish you well in the future to come, and remember that whether you run with him there or in his memory, he is still cheering you on as he always has. I hope you have enough support in this difficult time and please keep us updates as to how you are getting on. Love xx

  • So sorry to hear that Hilbean, deepest sympathy to you all. Sending lots of hugs and comfort to you. Please be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. I will happily sponsor you and you know that all your C25k friends will be cheering you on your way. I will also be running RFL in Hull in July in memory of my partner. Do keep in touch with us and let us know how things are going. xx

  • So sorry to hear your very sad news Hil :(. Be kind to yourself and I'm sure you will enjoy running again xxx

  • I am so sorry to read of your loss. But I am sure he would want you to keep running and most certainly in the good cause you mention. To do this NHS plan you need to be strong minded, stay strong.

  • Oh Hil, I am so sorry to hear your news, and add my sincere condolences to all the rest. One thing though, he has not left you, he will be with you every step of the way and will be cheering you on, ready with a cheery smile when you finish and a hankie to soak up the tears of achievement, do that run, let the emotion come, we all understand.

    I send you a blanket of love to wrap yourself in.


  • Deepest condolences. I wish you comfort and strength.

  • I am so, so sorry for your loss Hilbean. My thoughts are with you.

  • Oh Hilbean, that is such sad news. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

  • Oh Hilbean, I'm so so sorry to hear your very sad news. I am thinking of you at this difficult time. I am sure that you will return to your running when the time feels right and your husband, as always, will be with you. Take care of yourself xx

  • Sending a virtual hug of support, you are so brave doing this in his memory, run strong and be brave xxx

  • Please Please take out your running trainers again, so that you can take on the race for life in May. Cancer is a evil mean beast and Cancer research is a worthy cause to support..

    Such a brave post.

    Lots and lots of support from me. What wonderful kind posts you have had.

  • Hilbean I am sorry to read your message, take care with the Race for Life - it will be a very emotionally day. I took up running to do a Race for Life in memory of my Mum (and despite it being 11 years since I lost her) I was in pieces the morning of the Race.

    You have achieved so much and you should be really proud of yourself.

  • I am so sorry Hill. Cancer is so cruel. I can't imagine your pain you feel. Big hugs from over here and know that many are praying and thinking of you.

  • So very sorry to hear of your loss. But he will always be with you when you eventually start running again. Keep strong. xx

  • Oh Hilly, I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes for you as write this. How incredibly brave of you to go ahead with the race, you know he will be there with you every step of the way...as we will all. I didn't realise it was you, I saw the story on C25K.

    Sending hugs


  • So sorry to hear of this sad news hilbean. Your husband was right to be proud of how much you have achieved and i'm certain that he will be with you on your RFL in spirit. * bugs hugs to you* keep strong and hold on to those precious memories...

  • Oh hilbean how terribly sad. I think you're incredibly courageous to go ahead with the run and I'm sure it'll be hard but your husband Derek's spirit will be with you the whole way around. I hope your family and friends give you lots of support and help with your pain. You are in my thoughts.

  • Hilbean I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Derek will be with you as you run your race. He was rightly and justifiably proud of what you have achieved. I hope you can find peace in your future running. Thinking of you.

  • What can I say? Like others here, I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear your news. Derek was obviously very proud of you and I'm sure he would have wanted you to run in May. My thoughts are with you at this time.

  • I read this with tears in my eyes too. I'm so sorry and of course will be one of many supporting you. Xx

  • I'm so sorry to hear your sad news Hils. Your Derek will be with you in spirit as you make that run in his memory. He'll be with you all the way round. Be brave Hils!

    Think about us too as you run your race as we'll be willing you on.

  • xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. This lovely, lovely community just blows me away! My heart goes out to Windswept1, moonmar, Atalaya, Girlyswot, c4ts and anyone else who has lost a loved one too.

    And because of your kind words of encouragement I am sitting here thinking that I just might find the will to step outside... xx

  • I am so sorry for your loss, and my thoughts (and prayers, if you accept them) are with you at this awful time. I wish you peace, strength and happy memories x

  • That's the spirit Hils!

    Your heart is broken but it's spring, and out there new life is bursting out. Try and get out, even if for a short walk, and see it for yourself. New lambs and daffs always make me smile ☺

  • I have one more person to run for too now. Will write Derek's name on the corner of my number, together with my mum and mum in law. Did you say your run is in May? So is mine. Not in the same place I suppose but you will be in my thoughts. After that it's the Stratford run in July! Watch last weeks blue peter to see the course and if you look closely you will also see rob running! No 8991. He should have got a blue peter badge.

  • Yes, mine is 31st May in Caernarfon. Nowhere near as hard as the course you will be running though! Thank you for adding his name. He also joins my mum and aunt. Just watched Blue Peter for the first time in years too lol :D Yep, saw him :) Shame he didn't get a badge

  • Mines the day before yours but I'm hoping it won't be too bad. Rob coming to cheer me on, Bailey will also be there, it's his favourite park, hope he doesn't go swimming in the lake with the ducks! Bailey always gets filthy when he goes there. Not a very White westie by the end of it, he gets showered when he gets home.

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