The credit card sizzled with electricity. Long flames leapt from the card machine and we all ducked to avoid being burned to a crisp. I punched in the PIN and a bolt of lightening shot from the sky as the clouds opened to a hail of choir voices all singing "Praise Be To The Podiatrtist, Praise beeeeee!"

***snaps fingers*** and we're BACK IN THE ROOM!

Sorry about that. I'm still getting over the shock of over a hundred squid being torn from my grasp at the podiatrist yesterday, but you know what? It was WORTH it. Allow me to tell you why? Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I'll begin......

My right leg has been giving me grief for about two months. Groin, knee and shin pain ingredients all adding to the "Injury Soup". As you all know Mr Physio did his bit and essentially hastened the recovery of my awful lower back pain as well as putting my leg through, what felt like a mangle. "Get thee to a podiatrist" he said. And lo, the good runner Dan mounted his trusty scooter and rode to a town called Hampton, where he brought gifts of VISA cards. I buzzed the bell and Tess, the Poddy opened up. "Hang on a wee minute will ya Dan, I'll be with youse in a sec" - she's from a Northern Irish town which coincidentally, I know very well, having lived in the Emerald Isle for a few years of my childhood. I took a seat.

After a short time I was lead into the room and she got my file out from the last time I visited her - about a year ago. I told her the problems and she said ;

"Gimme dem feckin' orthotics a wee minute." She took them out of my running shoes and pulled a face. "JAYSUS FECK!" she exclaimed. "They're totally f***ed! That's gonna be the main problem. Get up on the couch."

She spoke soooooo fast, even I could hardly translate and I'm half bloomin' Irish! The main thrust of it all was that I'd completely worn down the supportive structure of the orthotics, so new ones were constructed for me. Amidst all the constant chatter (which was hilarious) she pulled my legs and feet about in a sort of chiropractor'ish way. God knows what that did - probably realigned joints that felt a bit left hand side? Dunno, but then she gave me a few tips.

"Shorten your stride a wee bit Dan. And widen your gait just a wee bit"

"Widen my legs you mean? You mean like this?"

I stood with my legs about 3 feet apart and she burst out laughing!

"Jaysus NO! Yer can't feckin' run like that yer eedjit! You'd look like a bow legged farmer chasing a bull! I mean, just be aware that yer legs should be a wee bit wider than you're current running form."

She described that when I'm running, my right leg kind of spoons out to the right, before coming back in line to land on the ground. If I could widen my gait just slightly, it would stop this "spooning" effect and thereby keep my running form in more of a straight line - the result being NO MORE PAIN! The old knackered orthotics weren't supporting me anymore, making my right leg land in a "twist". This ever so slight twist was what was causing the groin probs. But she wasn't finished yet. She got her scissors out. And that's not a euphemism.

From her drawers......sorry.....from her CHEST of drawers she produced a roll of strapping tape.

"Royt den. I'm gunna strap yer right foot up which will hold yoouse in line a wee bit better. Take note of what I'm doing cos you can do this yerself! I'll flog youse a roll of tape too!"

She put a strip of tape from the back of my calf right down and under my foot. Another strip underneath my foot to the top of my foot. Another strip around the base of the foot. Once completed, I felt secure and oddly, FIXED! It was like someone was holding my calf and foot in line. She told me to walk up and down whilst she eyed me with her professional Irish gaze.

"There ya! Yer foot is walking in a straight line now and yer not flailing about!"

I paid her (see top of this post for dramatic version), waved "ta ra" and mounted my trusty scooter......FAST FORWARD to this morning and I went for a run. A 5K. I remembered her tips. I shortened my stride and imagined my legs to be a few cm's wider than they normally would be. My strapping was on. My new orthotics were solid, firm and comfortable. Despite having to take TWO walk breaks owing to my fitness having dropped off a tiny bit over the past two weeks, I completed it in 31'20. Now that is SLOW for me, because usually I'm always under 30 mins on a 5, but I felt a bit breathless at the end of it.

But the greatest thing was......NO PAIN! And there's still no pain. The strapping, orthotics, running tips had worked! I had got my blood flowing once again on a run. I had sweated away some toxins. I had burned some calories. I felt absolutely fantastic and positive.

Suddenly the Β£120 doesn't seem too drastic after all.....

Thanks for reading

yer pal



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60 Replies

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  • I had to stop reading at the "widen your gait" - tears of laughter fogged my eyes:)

  • Brilliant - what a bit of tape and a good professional can do! You'll be back doing 5 k in less than 30 in no time - money well spent ... even if still a lot! Could we have a picture of your taped foot ? ;)

  • Thanks pigivi. I've removed said tape! If I remember next time I "strap up" I'll post one then.

  • Blimey Dan, you need to put all these hilarious posts together in a book, seriously I'd buy it today :)

    You've clearly found some top notch proffessionals to sort you out. Fantastic to find health specialists who really know there stuff.

    Thanks for posting such a hilarious and at the same time fascinating post. Pleased to read that you are on the road to recovery. Happy running Dan. :)

  • where's the edit button, "their stuff", not "there stuff". Makes my teeth grind when I see mistakes like that, then I go and type it myself.. aaaarrrghhh

  • Do'nt get to worked up about it.

  • Good one. I'm a stickler for grammar too - always cheque everything.

  • Ha ha , I can see what you did there ! :-D xxx

  • Oh no, another smelling pistake!

  • Ha ha very good Mark ! :-) xxx

  • Your and you're for me!!! Seriously bugs me!!!!

  • Thanks Zev. I know what you mean about "their" and "there". I get the same shudder when people say, or WORSE, write ; "off of"!!! There's no such expression. AAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

  • Yep, I'd buy it. Glad you're fixed, Dan. Happy running!

  • Woohoo our Dan is back in the game again. Great news I have to say worth the squids but then it's not my purse. I am pleased for you.

  • Thanks RFC. Just glad I have a new job starting soon.....

  • Happy Feet = Happy Dan - Result ! :-)

    So pleased for you Dan. SORTED !!

    Brilliant post as always, proper laugh out loud stuff Ha ha . It must be a laugh a minute at your gaff :-)

    Can I ask you , what was the reason you were wearing those orthotics in your shoes in the first place ? Was it cos you had pain before ?

    Keep on running Dan, no stopping you now , mate :-) xxx

  • Thanks PP. Yes, it's laugh a second here at Dan Towers. It drives my poor suffering wifelette nuts!!

    I've worn orthotics in my regular day shoes for yonks. Mainly cos I'm flat footed and have no arches. The running shoes do the same thing but are made of a material that has more "give" than my day ones. My first pair of running shoes when I started C25K were useless and cheap and caused me no end of grief. But I was young and foolish then and saw this podiatrist who said that one of my legs was shorter than the other by about 5mm. So she told me to buy proper running shoes and use these orthotics! Bloomin' good advice it turned out to be.

  • Oh , Im so glad you have got sorted, its certainly worth it getting advice from the pro's isn't it ?

    That's really interesting that xxx

  • Β£120 and she didn't throw in the roll of strapping tape?

    Good to hear that you are properly on the mend.

  • I know! You'd have thought the tape might've been included....

  • I don't fully understand the gait and stride bit but read y'day from IannodaT that one shouldn't have a long stride (at our age) - increase tempo rather than stride - I always wanted to look like a gazelle when I ran but don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon.

  • I don't have a long stride. I just made it a bit shorter that's all and it helped!

  • Rightoh.

  • its worth every penny if your out of pain and able to run. πŸ˜„πŸ‘ŸπŸ‘

  • I agree. Thanks Ania.

  • Great post Dan. Enjoyed reading that - glad to hear you're all fixed!

  • Merci Angie. Je suis une grande banane.

  • Don't you just fecking love it when a fecking professional pulls your fecking leg and charges Β£120 for the fecking privilege. No doubt she'll give you a refund first thing tomorrow morning. Fecking good post, Dan.

  • I think you and Dan would make a very good comedy duo, the new Morecambe and Wise ha ha :-D xxx

  • You got dat feckin' roite!

  • Oh dats grand :-D xxx

  • Ever thought of doing stand-up Dan? ;-) I hear the Apollo calling.

  • Me? Stand up? I'd ruin my entire boxer shorts collection.....

    Far too nervous for that!

  • Glad you're all sorted Dan and back out on the open road (or parks), sounds like it was money well spent! You had me giggling away, your posts are always a great read! Here's to happy running for those feet and legs and a happy dan (except for the bill! :( )

  • Thanks Ali!

  • Get the tape ready for next week, glad you are ready to run again. Are we celebrating your new job when you complete the 10K?

  • I will be taping up for next weeks 10 that's fo sho. Celebration? Most likely not as Mrs Dan has shopping plans right after the race!

  • I love reading your posts!! So funny. You seriously should write a book!! Fab news though. Hope she's solved your problems and you took good note of how to put that type on ya self!!!! marvellous!!! Worth every penny!!!

  • Hooway, reet! Thanks pet. (sorry, don't know any other Toonlou'isms). If I ever write a book, you'll be the 2nd to read it. Promise!

  • Sounds like a feckin' good result!! :) Pity it cost Β£120 feckin' quid but if it gets you out on your feckin' feet again it's feckin' worth it.

  • Jaysus Old Ned, you're not feckin' wrong there!

  • Well done Dan. Loved the post - cheered me up no end and great to get out there again

  • Cheers GF. I saw a post from you I have to read.....about your injury? I do hope you get cured soon.

  • Thanks Dan

  • Dan, you can ask your gp for a referral to nhs podiatry, I learnt I was extremely flat footed about 10 years ago, after the damage has been done, Im sad to say, I get orthotics free. Have a look at the company website nhs podiatry uses, might be something of use for you there, I cant wear orthotics in a running shoe

  • Really? Did you get seen immediately or have to wait 9 months? Thanks for the link though - brilliant! I'll take a butchers hook.

  • Excellent news Dan. Happy running mate!

  • Waahaaaay! Thanks!

  • I'm sure you just write these tales for the funny tags!

    I swear I'm not an orthotist or podiatrist or on commission but I rave about the difference orthotics can make. About 5 years ago and before "becoming a runner" I was in constant pain in feet, legs and back and could barely get out of bed. Went to a private podiatrist who took one look at my flat feet and said they were so flat nothing off-the-shelf would do and had to have my feet cast in plaster and custom made insoles. Miracle! Within about 2 days all pain was gone. I'd say it was worth it.

    Hope it continues to help you.

  • Yes, I too had some bespoke insoles made for my day shoes and they INSTANTLY fixed my duck billed platypus walk!

    And you've sussed me out. I ONLY ever write posts that will amass a series of hilarious TAGS! Hahaha!

  • No pain sounds good, hope you are fixed good and proper.

  • Thanks cod.

  • Dan, great result!! If it got rid of the pain it seems worth it to me! Sounds like you need to replace your orthotic inserts regularly. Can you do that more cheaply? So good to have your posts cheering us all up! Nice weather for running..............!

  • Yes, agreed about replacing orthotics more regularly. Sadly I think that's just gonna have to be an expense I'll have to swallow. Podiatrists have to make a living too I suppose and if you have to keep going back then it's good business for them, good business for the orthotics manufacturers and good business for the country.

    SH*T! I'm sounding like a bloody politician. Maybe I should stand this May? VOTE DAN Z (The Let's Have A Party, Party.)

  • That's true and the bonus is that she knows you, understands the problem and you trust her to do the job. Makes a difference!!!

    DAN Z: the Let's Have a Party, Party. Could you start today?!

  • Ha ha , DAN Z: Vote for me and I will promise you Pert Buttocks Party :-) xxx

  • Chortle! Snigger!

  • Ha ha 'tis true ! :-) xxx

  • Lovin the norn Irish twang. Keep er lit, big cheese. Xxx

  • Hahaha! Fanks!

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