COPD Friends
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Thank you for all the support!

A few weeks back I replied to a post and I am glad that I did. My husband Mark has COPD, and we finally had to get outside help to take care of him. I had been doing it all for a very long time. I am also raising a 15 year old daughter from my first marriage whose dad was killed in a motorcycle accident when she was 3. I contacted hospice thru my husbands doctor and what a blessing! I was able to leave the house for a little while. I sat in the driveway and cried for what seemed like an eternity. Fast forward to today. My husband had a stroke 3 days ago. He has no use of his left side from his arm up to his eye. I have been advised to transfer him to a care facility for round the clock care. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel like I will be letting Mark down. His family is of no positive help these days.

Anyway I wanted to thank you guys for the encouraging words.

2 Replies


I know what you are going through my husband's family is the same exact way, they think that I am keeping him drugged up and not letting him talk too his family. They are the ones that call him and make him miserable, you have to worry about your husband and yourself. Don't worry about family you have enough on your plate right now .


I am so sorry! I'm also suggesting you take as much time as you can - and need - to really check out any nursing homes before you decide on one for Mark. They are NOT all the same! None are perfect - probably far from it - but the difference can be that some try, and care, and some just don't. Don't be fooled by beautiful new facilities, and fancy dining rooms, and rehab-gyms behind glass walls as you walk down the hall with the "intake marketing guy" - Pay more attention to whether or not those machines are actually in use, or if that fashionable dining room looks comfortable, and how many aides or nurses do you actually see? (If possible, see whether you can actually eat a meal or see what they serve...) Check out what their "typical" response to a call button is... Good luck with that! And, what happens when a patient actually pushes that button? Does it ring/buzz/blink somewhere central that it will actually be seen or heard? Don't be impressed if just a white light goes on above the door... Do the aides actually smile and talk to the residents? Or - do they sort of go through the motions with blank faces and just "do their duty" as quickly and efficiently, but impersonally, as they can? Ask about laundry procedures - will they do the laundry? How are things marked? (Plan on the clothing getting beaten and worn from their commercial washers, probably bleached, lost, mixed up, and wardrobe additions with clothing you've never seen before - and probably wish you hadn't! My Mom weighed 105, and I found her wearing a huge purple sweatshirt, size XL, but it had her name sewn into it, so they'd put it on her!) It's likely the 2-person rooms are tiny and poorly planned, with a bathroom shared with the double room on the other side. If possible, ask to actually walk down those resident halls and SEE what the rooms are like - how the residents look/are dressed etc. - what the place smells like! Ask what activities they have (of course geared to individual capabilities). Do they have exercise classes? Rehab? Can you visit at any time? How often and what kind of entertainment comes in? Is there security afterhours, so people can't just wander in and potentially steal anything or harm a resident? Go online and see if you can find REAL reviews (don't be fooled by glowing website reviews that are actually planted by employees!) Talk to people in Senior Centers and see if they have feedback to provide... ASK QUESTIONS AND USE YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!! Talk to other visitors or people besides staff if possible and get their feedback. I didn't do all this - I didn't have experience, or time, or really pay attention because I didn't know better - and my Mom paid the price by actually being damaged in the first place I had her transferred to after surgery when she fell and broke her hip and wrist... That smooth marketing guy sucked me right in - It was a beautiful, new, tastefully decorated shell - window dressing that provided a dazzling cover to divert attention to what was really going on, and my Mom will never recover or come home now. She was only there for a week, and the repercussions are still felt after a year. I'm so sorry - you can only do the best you can, and nowhere will be perfect, but some are definitely better than others. Look underneath the façade and take as much time as you can to choose. Good luck! (Oh, and make yourself take time to be nice to yourself sometimes... You're actually doing that for him too!)


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