I am 20 years old and I had a botched surgery on my left eyelid. My eyes used to be asymmetrical by a fraction of a millimeter, so I went to an eye doctor and he recommended this surgery, to which I agreed. He cut my left eye open and stitched my eyelid higher at a ridiculous angle so now one of my eyes is twice the size of the other. There is also a massive red scar above the eye. Revision surgery is highly unlikely and will never be as good as just not doing the first surgery.
This happened at the beginning of this year and ever since the surgery I haven't left my room at all. I cannot allow another human being to see me ever again. I have spent every hour of every day waiting for it to "heal" but it's never going to be the same. I never needed this surgery to begin with, but obviously it's way too late now and my life is over.
I used to have a lot of friends but I have lost contact with all of them in my isolation. They would never understand what I've gone through and I can't explain this to them so I don't even bother. It's better that they forget about me. I have spent so long in the same room that I forgot what real life even feels like. I haven't made a new memory in almost a year and all I have left are blurry flashbacks of the past. Not that my life was even that great before. People used to bully me for my looks and make me feel subhuman, which is why I dropped out of college.
If the botched eye wasn't enough, I also used to be really skinny and athletic but now I've gained a ton of weight in isolation that's impossible to lose in this highly stressful situation. I let my hair grow out and stopped caring so now I look like a fat, ugly, botched, disgusting creature.
There is literally no way to recover from this. I have lost all my friends and my family doesn't know either. Nobody knows what happened to me and they all probably think I just gave up on life, which is true to be fair. I just wanted to live my life semi-normally, but I didn't realize that I already had the capability to do that. Now it's too late and I've lost everything. I can't go back to school, or get a normal job, I lost all my social skills, and I probably damaged my brain in this self-imposed hellscape of solitary confinement.
Even if I could just magically fix my eye, I'd still be stuck with virtually every mental disorder in the book. Nobody likes to admit it, but being neurodivergent is already a death sentence in modern society. Combine that with natural ugliness, zero social skills, botched surgery, and a massive black hole in my "resume" and what's even the fucking point? Seriously, I don't see the point in even trying and I wish I could just die.
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botchedeye
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I just wanted to reach out. I dislike initials, but OMG.
Oh ... My .... Goodness.
What a lot you have on your plate. If you feel overwhelmed, well then, yes, I would be. Anybody would be.
Where would you like me to start? This is about you, for you, and for the benefit of only you. So maybe I will start by stating, look, I have my own issues right now, but I'm absolutely ready to read and post or give my thoughts on any question you may have. Its the least we can do for you.
I don't know what help or support you were particularly looking for. So, lets start at page 1.
What would you like? I (probably) may not be able to make that happen, but we know enough to point you in the right redirection to make things start.
May I (very respectfully) disagree that you have no social skills? I believe you do. Your post is beautifully written. I could not not write that well at 20. I struggle to write that well now at 51! So it seems you have a strong suit in something that will help you move forward. Your written communication is excellent (don't dismiss that! being able to tell people whats wrong really saves them guessing)
From your writing, it seems you have two major threads on going.
The obvious thread is that the surgery did not produce the outcome it should have. Have you reported this your your GP or Doctor? Do they know? Do they know HOW YOU FEEL about it?
And secondly, and this part is more worrying to me, though it is understandable, you don't feel able to engage with the world right now.
In fairness, I get days like that, but months on end, if that is what is, is not healthy and there is a need to figure a way to break the loop you are in.
You ask, reasonable, what's the point?
When you are trying to break out of a loop, sometimes you have to try anything and everything to see what might produce a different outcome. I have a related scenario going on now in my own life. I'm not hungry. So I don't eat, so I became anaemic.... which made me lose my appetite. So I didn't eat ..... what a berk! I am such a moron for not spotting that sooner. Only a blood test confirmed it.
So the break from that loop would have been: I'm not hungry.... Eat anyway. In other words, the absolute opposite of what I wanted to do.
Can I ask a question (with the proviso that you don't have to answer if you don't feel ready, able or willing to do so, the choice is yours only). How are you supporting yourself if you don't feel able to get out?
All humans need basics. Water, food, shelter and to some degree, company. You mentioned that your family didn't know, and that made me worry that you don't have close tactical support around you, which I think you need and deserve.
The weight issue you mentioned will sort if you can break the cycle of not going out. This is also why I wondered how you are supporting yourself.
Let me be honest with you. I am deeply impressed with anyone who can survive in isolation, but lets also be clear, this SHOULD NOT and MUST not be allowed to become a longer term thing.
Astronauts have lived on the space station for a year for example. Its do-able. But at some point, a return will need to come.
So the answer to your question is this: You needed some space. I get that. But i think it might be because you don't know yet how to proceed, and you'd like some time to figure that out. So a plan how to move forward is needed.
And now here you are ....
You did amazing in posting. Let me know your thoughts, and I listen quite happily till the cows go moo.
We all really are looking to hearing from you, when you are ready.
What I would like more than anything is to end this nightmare.
My doctor is well aware of my dissatisfaction but he keeps reassuring me that "everything is fine."
I know he is lying because when I look at old photos of myself, its quite clear this surgery was completely unnecessary. I guess its worth noting that it was deemed "medically necessary" by my insurance, but I swear it really wasn't. I could see just fine. Everything was fine.
I should've been more careful because he probably just did this to get an easy paycheck from my insurance and now that its done, he can continue to lie with no consequence. He does not care.
I got a second opinion from another doctor who told me its too early to tell, but that the best option would likely be to cut a matching scar on the other eye.
I've been staying at my dads house and he as well keeps telling me that everything will be fine and that I have "two doctors who want to help."
No one wants to admit that my eye is permanently screwed up. But I know it for a fact.
When I look at those old pictures, my eyes looked totally normal. But now, and I cant stress this enough, one of my eyes is literally twice as open as the other and it looks horrendous.
That's what depresses me the most, the fact that no matter what course of action I take, I'll never look like my old self again.
99% of people go their whole lives never undergoing cosmetic surgery. They are born, live, and die the way nature intended.
I will forever be ruined, stained, desecrated by this surgery. My natural appearance, my state of being has been permanently altered and it's my own fault.
Everyone who ever knew me would be unable to recognize me now. I'm a complete joke. Even more so now that I've retracted from society altogether.
That's why I refuse to tell anyone what happened, why I refuse to even step outside, why I just want to die. I'm sorry if that's depressing but its the honest truth. I just want to die.
Mental health issues aside, I'll simply never look like the same person again, or be the same person again, so I don't want to live anymore. I want to end this cruel existence.
When I first started isolating myself, I was optimistic about my eye healing quickly and being able to enjoy life to the fullest with my friends.
But as the days went by, that hope slowly turned to dread as a realized that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I was in denial at first, but now I'm fully aware of the reality.
As such, all my motivation and excitement for life is gone. I don't find enjoyment in anything anymore. I feel zero emotion. I can't even cry. I just stare at the clock and hate myself.
Some of my friends have already replaced me and the rest will move on in time. It hurt a lot at first, but its starting to bother me less and less. I doubt our relationships would ever be the same again anyways.
It's really hard to explain but like, even if I had a million dollars, I still wouldn't be myself so really, what's the point?
Sorry if that got too dark but these are the type of thoughts I have every day. Just an endless stream of regret and hopelessness.
A lot of people who read the forum a bit will know a bit about me, though you would have to work hard to identify me! (its supposed to be that way!), though if you met me in real life you'd just go "ah, thats gotta to be CB!"
I'm an IT Engineer by trade, have been for 20 years. Accordingly, i have the "hey I like Pink floyd" running through me, am grumpy as [beep!] and all the other traits people seem to associate with being an IT nerd. Yes, I got bullied. Anyone who likes math is likely to be so! The bullying for me was so bad that one point, someone tried to break my head in with a house brick. Seriously. That's actually not bullying on reflection. Possible attempted murder is more reasonable, but thats for another day.
So why is this relevant? Well, much so. My job necessarily involves me being paid to THINK. I design code, I design processes. That takes invention, some creativity and a few other things to make it work.
BUT
It means I often have AWFUL trouble in switching my brain off, particularly at night. Seriously, my brain does two speeds. 90 mph and stop, and that's it.
Switching off I find a nightmare, and sometimes, when I try, my mood gets darker. I find holidays hard. Lying on a beach, forget it. I have to be out, exploring, pushing. Its my thoughts that control that.
I noted in your earlier post you described yourself as a neurodivergent. I wonder whether you have the same issues in turning your thoughts off I sometimes, or even often, do? whether perhaps your are more creative and inventive than you knew?
I'd be really interested, though again only if you are happy, in knowing more about your interests BEFORE surgery ever came into the conversation? Do they hint that that might be the case?
Looking forward to hearing from you again, as and when you feel able.
Hi botchedeye I just wanted to respond to your post and first of all thank you for sharing some of your journey with this community. It sounds like you've been through an incredibly difficult year and so thank you for being brave and honest and opening up about how you feel about your situation with everyone here.
I am very sorry to hear that you have been feeling so low and the effect that the surgery had on your general physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It is arguably very difficult to deal with the aftermath of a surgery that didn’t go as planned and hoped and the feelings this can produce. It sounds like you are feeling quite isolated which must be hard for you. We all need help and support in life and especially during difficult times, although sometimes these can be the hardest times to ask. But as Circuitbreaker mentioned in his response to your post it’s a good idea to try anything and everything that could potentially help to find what works for us.
Reaching out to this community is a wonderful positive first step to sharing some of these feelings and receive some support and to communicate with others that might be able to understand how hard things have been for you through their own experiences.
Also, I agree with Circuitbreaker, that the way you expressed yourself shows you have the ability to communicate how you feel in a way that people can relate to and understand.
You also mentioned that you are experiencing thoughts of hopelessness and not being able to see what the point is of carrying on living and it is really important that you get the right kind of help if you’re feeling this way. We’d strongly recommend you talk to your doctor or local mental health service about this. If you ever feel that you’re in immediate danger of hurting yourself, we’d urge you to contact the emergency services number in your country or going to your local A&E.
Changing Faces cannot endorse any external organisations, but you might want to consider looking at this if you wanted a starting point:
You talked about wanting to hide and not do anything but I can see glimpses of hopes and desires about life you had before. Perhaps you could allow yourself to think about these again and find things that can bring you some comfort and pleasure. Small steps can have a big impact in the long term and be helpful in your journey to fully loving and accepting yourself.
Please take care of yourself and keep talking to this community if it helps.
Hi I for a start I dislike your pseudonym. You are having a tough time because you are very very depressed. I was there when I contracted Bell’s palsy. My beautiful face overnight became lopsided it’s still asymmetrical. Will never be the same, my left eye has a permanent twitch when I open my eye. Have regular Botox l’injection to keep it open. I was offered eye surgery to rectify it but I turned it down am pleased I did. To hide my eye problem I invested in some cool shades. I espoused the mask with relish as it hid my lopsided face. I have learnt to build my self esteem, fortunately I was already a strong character to start with. My hairdresser gave me a glamourised hair cut, it deflect the attention from my face. I dress very smartly. I have learnt to love myself and to be kind and not so judgemental about the way we look. My attitude is if you don’t like what you see tough, deal with it. This is the new me. Well there has been some very good advice from circuit breaker and Eva we all understand and know what you are going through. PLEASE PLEASE seek help to get out of this depressive and stagnant quagmire of depression before it gets worse. It’s so easy to cross over the borderline. My very best wishes Chantale
I understand perfectly! I was in a car wreck at 13. My mom and I got hit head on by a drunk driver. I went through the windshield and crushed the left side of my face, and broke my eye socket and pushed my eye back in my head making it look like it was a lot lower on my face than my right eye . I had surgeries to try to help it look normal,and in one of these surgeries, the doc was going to move my eye up to make it look even with my other. Doc was going to bring it up 1/4th of a centimeter and it was going to look good to me!! He messed up and brought my eye up too far. Not too much, but more than he was supposed to. Now I look like a freak! My left eye looks like a basketball eye, and my right eye looks like a football eye. Everybody I meet, looks at my eye when we start talking, and most of them act funny, so I know they notice. I wear shades when I can, and try to hide my eyes. I still have scars on my neck, but that's a story for another day. You're not ALONE!!!!
Sorry to hear about the accident you and your mum experienced when you were younger and that the outcome of one of your surgeries was not what you and the doctors had planned. I can hear you have been through a lot and that the change to your appearance has had an impact on your self-esteem and affected your interactions with others, which I imagine is really tough for you. It sounds like connecting and being accepted by others with a visible difference is something you can really see the value of, and I hope that whilst Changing Faces cannot offer this in person, you find this online community helpful in building these relationships and feeling understood and less alone in your experiences.
I would like to find a group of people with scars or imperfections to talk to, and to hear talk about their experiences, and come together as a family understanding each other, accepting each other's looks and not acting grossed, and loving each other for being themselves. We would come together to build each other up, and show our true love for one another, so that if days got really rough for some of us, we could find solace in knowing that our "group" loves us regardless of what others think!!!❤️
I guess what I meant was having a convention like the little people do. I think being around people who are not like everyone else, and being accepted, and understood and liked anyway, would be the best thing !!! I think it would build confidence, because we would be around our "new family" and it would no longer matter what the outside world thought, because we didn't need their "approval anymore." We finally found our people, and now we belong. Normal people NOT ALLOWED!!!
Hey, that's a super idea, and when you break everything back down to earth, what life really is about... unconditional love and friendship and acceptance!Tbh, when you go through life with a difference, it does a great job of weeding out the not so true and nice people, and shining a light on the pure of heart, kind ones!
And those are the only kind of people who's opinions I would ever care about now... the rest don't bother me! 💚☘️
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