Situation is not good

[Painterlass]

Apologies again for getting this off my chest. I hope you kind people will not mind as it helps to unload.

My brother came out of hospital about 6 weeks ago due to oedema in his legs, low sodium and went back home after 2 weeks at mine. Twice weekly nurse appts for dressing changes was the plan and updated meds. He lives alone so I typed out a table of the meds and he just had to tick the boxes as he took them. The following week, he'd not taken any so we tried the pill box method. He's taken one week out of the 4 he's been back home. He also continue's to drink alcohol a 'little bit'. He's not taking the prescribed antibiotics for his legs either. Last night, he rang me as he was with the nurse who said his legs are worse and he needs to go to hospital. Doc agreed and wrote a letter and telephoned the hospital in advance. So I picked him up. In A&E waiting room, he vomited brown liquid with lumpy dark bits. I think dried blood? So he's bleeding internally now. May be varices? Ascites infection? There is nothing anyone can do if he won't stop alcohol. I saw 2 empty vodka and gin bottles on the side. He's never drunk spirits! What has upset me most though out of this sorry situation is that he caused our mum considerable distress yesterday. He's not answered phone all week, so despite her unsteadiness she got a neighbour to take her to his place which is a 5 min walk away. He wouldn't answer door, she couldn't get spare keys in yet she could hear him groaning. Long story short he just wanted to be left alone! My mum is a tough old bird but that made her tearful. And that has unleashed my daughter bear side. I told bro I love him but despite him going through this, it is affecting us all and I'll not have our mum upset. Today I'm taking mum for an xray, she is very breathless and has A.fib. My bro is safe in hospital so at least I don't have to worry about him today.

Sorry for the details but this rotten blinkin addiction is vile and turns loved ones into selfish A.holes. I'll not let this situation cause the demise of my mum. She comes first. Bro will be discharged with a care package into his own home, I am adamant about that. I'll visit him once a week, take care of his life laundry like I've been doing last 18 months and that's it. Sorry for yet another rant but it helps.

Those of you that have managed to abstain cos you value your lives, are SO amazing. I wish you all so much strength and contentedness.

ATB,

PL

[NieceByMarriage]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Wishing the whole family all the best.

[Painterlass in reply to NieceByMarriage]

Appreciate that, thanks.

[BritishLiverTrust12 Moderator British Liver Trust]

Hi Painterlass,

We are sorry to hear of your situation. Al-Anon is there for anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else’s drinking - find out more at their website: al-anonuk.org.uk/

Wishing you all the best,

British Liver Trust

[Painterlass in reply to BritishLiverTrust12]

Yes, thanks, I find this forum brilliant for support. I will look into this when I get a moment. Cheers

[Oscar21]

Bless you.

I feel for you and your family. It’s heartbreaking for you. But it reads as though your Brother is so deeply addicted to alcohol, he doesn’t have the capacity to take any advice the Drs will offer. This is what alcohol has done to him

I was one of these people, Not as bad as your Brother I don’t think, but have ceased alcohol for over 12 years. Sheer determination and our wonderful NHS have got me where I am today. I’m no one special, but I had the strength to listen. There is loads of help out there I didn’t use AA or counselling although it was offered

Look after your lovely Mum. And look after yourself. Because unless your Brother reaches out for help, then you can do no more.

I wish you and your loved ones all the best.

[Painterlass in reply to Oscar21]

Thanks so much Oscar. Congratulations on 12 years sober. If only my bro could envisage life without booze. I hope this is his rock bottom.

[anon51]

Hi. Sorry to hear of what you're going through. My Uncle still lived at home and was an alcoholic. He was in his 30's (youngest of 8) and my grandparents knew he drank but thought it was 'only lager'. It turned out he was drinking spirits also and was too late for him when intervention happened. I guess there is always hope, but like with any addict, they need to want to help themselves. He won't have answered the door, most likely, as he was probably intoxicated or just didn't want to hear it. Unfortunately, for all of you, drink has made him selfish and maybe there are times he'll feel guilt but not enough to stop him so it seems.

I wish you all the best.

[Painterlass in reply to anon51]

Thanks anon51. Sorry to read about your uncle. It is so sad and such a waste. X

[Orangutan_lover]

I feel for you and you will be in my thoughts today, it is a long hard road you and your family are on, It sounds like your brother is in a very dark place and does not want help, which is sad if he is, I have been there but I got the help grabbed it and held on to it,. I hope your brother will do the same, please stay strong and you can do it, as you need to think about your own mental and physical health for yourself and family, take care

[Painterlass in reply to Orangutan_lover]

Thanks Orangutan. I hope that this time will be the time he makes the decision. But a week ago he said I need to get myself out of this one way or another. I replied there's only one way but actually there are 2 ways, and I think he's chosen 2nd way sadly... I still hope the docs will get through to him especially as he's got internal bleeding going on and that's jumped the queue over the legs.... they're working on that now...

[Orangutan_lover in reply to Painterlass]

Hi Painterlass, I can only hope for you and your family he makes and takes the right choice to fight for life, you are in a very difficult place just now as some may say walk away and save yourself but at the same time I feel you want to be by his side and not want to give up on him, yes you have to keep your self fit and healthy and strong cause that’s the time he will need you the most, when he has made that right choice to fight and live, he is in the right place right now as they are working on him, I to had internal bleeding, try and stay positive I know that can be hard , I truly do hope all goes well for him, take care

[Smileyfaces]

You are not alone in this. My partner too has odeama and insists is nothing to do with his poorly liver. It's just a terrible situation that only your brother can sort out. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with your mum. Help your brother if you can. But be selfish and put you and your mum first. A great friend says you can't pour from an empty cup.

I really do hope your brother sees the light and makes steps for a better life. I speak with Al anon and the liver nurses when it gets to much

[Painterlass in reply to Smileyfaces]

Thank you Smileyfaces. Is your partner abstaining? It's tough if they are in denial. Wishing you the best.

[Smileyfaces in reply to Painterlass]

I have no idea to be honest. He says so.My focus for now is my son and my own mental health. I'm trying to support the best I can whilst living a healthy lifestyle. It's very difficult. But I'm ensuring my cup is full by taking simple pleasures and taking it day by day. Life is short be kind to yourself,

[Breakfastbabe]

I am so sorry to hear what you and your mum are going through with your brother. Please don't apologise for off-loading. We all need it sometimes and this community is very supportive. I have watched my husband killing himself for most of our marriage and wondered why. He was proficient at hiding the spirits from me and only drinking beer or cider in front of me so maybe your brother has been doing the same. Last year he had more or less given up hope and pretty much told me to leave him alone to die. Then something clicked and he stopped and has been sober for 16 months. So please don't give up hope. As a previous comment said, in all of this please look after you. You are important too. Take care and I hope that your brother can find the strength to change.

[Painterlass in reply to Breakfastbabe]

Thanks breakfastbabe. Your comment does give me some hope, a sliver at least that this may be his rock bottom. Wishing you and yr hubby continued strength xx

[Superbly]

hi there I’ve think you have done wonderful job how ever you need to tell him that if he don’t stop drinking at once ie now than he will be 6 ft under I am so sorry to say it that way some times you have to be very hard on him good luck xxxx

[Painterlass in reply to Superbly]

Thanks Superbly. I have tried the direct approach. He's adamant he wants to live, get a little part time job, have a dog again. He turns 60 next Sunday so new chapter I hope.

[2022minks]

Sorry you are not having much movement with your brother, its a very stressful place for you to be but you do what you do because you care..unfortunately he has to make the changes all you can do is be there, but please keep there sometimes a person really has to hit rock bottom before they ask for help. You are right to put your mum first, she will be heart broken that your brother isn't changing his habits, so keep her close xx wishing you and your Muma much love and hope that your brother can turn things round for himself. Xx

[Painterlass in reply to 2022minks]

Thanks Minks, more wise words.I'm very grateful to you all, thank you.

[Worriedsis]

Hi, I’m in a very similar situation except my brother lives with my 80 year old Mum - couldn’t be worse! I hear you and I’m sorry you’re living this nightmare as well. I find it so hard going to the house because it’s triggering and messes with my mental health. I’ve become so anxious as to what I’ll find each week. He’s also incredibly selfish like your brother but I’m eternally torn between loving/hating him and what he puts my poor Mum through. Since Dad died he’s been even worse. Also doesn’t take meds or want help. Most visits he swears at me/intimidates me still as his little sis. I’m dreading the next year/two or however long he gets because I know my Mum will have to firsthand witness a lot of what you’re describing which is traumatic. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn’t choosing to be an arse. AUD is a brain disease and is uncontrollable without medical intervention. I find keeping my distance (within reason) helps. And carving time out for self care - reading, walks etc. You can only do so much and it sounds like you’re being incredibly supportive of both of them x

[Painterlass in reply to Worriedsis]

Gosh Worriedsis, you have double the worry with him living with your mum. How is she managing? What a nightmare. I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I hope he doesn't intimidate her also? I hope you have the opportunity to do nice things with your mum regularly? I do that as much as poss. I wish you and your mum all the best. You are doing your very best. Keep posting as it helps to share. Xxx

[Worriedsis]

Hi, yes I take Mum out for lunch all the time and to her appointments etc. I do whatever I can to get her out of the house and away from him. But she feels guilty leaving him. We (my sister & I) had to host her birthday party yesterday at her house rather than taking her out as he can’t walk well enough now and is incontinent. He got confused about gifts and had a go at my sister then took himself off to bed. He did resurface and was much more buoyant (probably had a nip of whiskey). It’s never ending. Just feel like I’m on pins waiting for the phone call to say he’s back in hospital. He looks very grey but not yellow yet. Thanks for listening and I will keep sharing as it definitely helps to offload and get other people’s perspectives. I’m sure it’s far worse for many others xx

[BritishLiverTrust8 Moderator British Liver Trust]

Dear Painterlass

We facilitate a range of virtual support groups for people living with a liver condition (and their families and carers) including a monthly carers group.

If you [are in the UK and] would find it helpful to speak to others with shared experience, you can register to join a group here

britishlivertrust.org.uk/vi...

We also have our nurse-led helpline, if you are in the UK and would find it useful to talk things over, it is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)

Here is the link to our family, friends and carers information on our website, which you may find useful britishlivertrust.org.uk/in...

Best wishes

British Liver Trust