Lost

[wrightr444]

As a child both parents drank regularly but in my teens i started to notice it became and every night thing. 2015 was the year that disaster started to strike. Id 2 parents both with cirrohsis, i tried in vain to help them but i was running into a brick wall. That year my mum ended up in ICU with something that any person could of fought without near losing their life but due to her liver being damaged it worsened the condition and i near lost her. When she thankfully pulled through and got out of hospital she slowly started on and off drinking again. In 2016 Febuary my dad claspsed and was rushed into resuscitation and next theatres as he had varices that bust and he near lost his life, that was another spell in icu that had to be endured. After my dad pulled through and i finally got him home the Hepatic Encephalopathy started to kick in and he was in and out of hospital on a weekly basis and even though he substained from alchohol his liver continued to fail, that August i watched him horrifically die taking that big of seizures that even a general aneisthetic wouldnt stop them there was fluid in his brain and his toxin levels was the highest that his consultant had ever seen. It broke my heart in two i have struggled with my own mental health since. Only a year after my dad my granda passed with liver cancer to so its been just a terrible few years. At present my mum is back on the drink every night and lying that she isnt. Her abdomin is massively swelled, shes tired all the time, vomiting and she literally isnt eating a bite at all im so upset that shes going to put me through this again, i dont know if im going to have the strength i have a family myself to look after. I just dont know how to try and help her. Shes lost her husband and dad too and it seems like shes lost the will to live. At watch stage of cirrohsis does the stomach swell? Is there anything i can do to stop this her doing this again

[Hidden]

Hello,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story here.

Its obviously been a highly traumatic time for you and we are sorry to read that your mum is still ill and struggling.

Is her GP helpful? Can you discuss your concerns with them?

Regarding yourself, have you heard of A-Anon? Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not.

Here is the link to their website;

al-anonuk.org.uk/

We hope you find this forum a supportive place to visit,

Warm wishes

Trust1

[Hidden]

Wrightr444, My heart really goes out to you. You've had to endure so much pain and emotional turmoil. I think you really are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Do you have any brothers or sisters you can share this burden with? Or even have a shoulder to cry on?

I wish I could offer you some comforting words of encouragement and support but I fear your poor mum wouldn't listen as I realise how hard you've tried to talk her round yourself.

Alcohol addiction is one of the hardest addictions to break, any drug user will tell you this. But I think your mother is drinking for a number of different reasons.

I started to write you earlier this afternoon, not long after you posted your story up. But I thought it best for me to think on it all first. I believe your mother may have started drinking again because she's grieving. People deal with grief differently, and some can't deal with at all and go on to use alcohol to numb the pain and block things out. She's withdrawing inside an imaginary bubble where she feels safe, and is closing her ears to the world outside. I don't now how long your mum and dad were married for, but by the sounds of it, she's not just lost her husband, she's also lost her best friend and her drinking buddy too. Sadly you may well be right in what you say about her losing the will to live. It sounds like she's suffering with ascites (the swelling on her tummy) has she had this drained off before?

Please feel free to talk at any time, you'll find a lot of support on here. The comment that Trust1 has made is good advice. Talk things over with your GP. Al-Anon can be most helpful but I suggest you go along to your first meeting with a friend.

Wrightr, you are not alone.

Please take care.

Richard

[wrightr444 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Richard your words have helped put alot into perspective. Theres a part of me to that holds anger towards whats happening right now with the drink but i do understand that we all cope with grief in different ways. I have tried everything i could possibly think of for my mum from taking her on holidays to crying and even begging just hoping that she will stop. I have 2 younger siblings that tend to turn a blind eye but when anything bad happens i find myself having to deal with the majority on it on my own. I have kids of my own one with a disability and its so hard at times. Im just worried that im going to lose her. She wont go to her GP because she is afraid of them finding out, even the last time when she came out of icu she refused to tell them anything even tho they knew. But i will continue to do all i can do i suppose thats all i can do and just hope she sees sense. I just seen the trusts comment and someone to talk to would be just what i need right now. The very thought of having to lose another parent this way breaks my heart.

[Hidden in reply to wrightr444]

Hello again and thank you so much for your reply. You really have been through the mill.

Sadly it’s a fact of life, that sometimes there really is nothing you can do to help someone. I have bitter experience myself of this. Whenever I've looked back upon my life (I'm now 65 and I have experienced plenty). Whenever I look at all the bad things that have happened, Alcohol has always been there. It is such a destructive substance.

My Father was a "Jack the Lad" sort of man. He lied, cheated and coned his way through life. He lived in a fantasy world and never did a day’s work, as he believed work was beneath him. He walked out not long after I was born, so he never was a father. I only got to know him towards the end when he was dying of Liver cirrhosis, but he was very much in denial. And died a lonely old man.

My e-wife was an alcoholic and I like you tried so hard to get her to kick the habit. But her torment was just too great. Her three children had been put in care and were later adopted. My wife finally took her own life. I remember now looking back I think I must have experienced every known emotion, ranging from hate, guilt and anger. For a long time I blamed myself for failing her, but now I realise that you just can’t save everyone.

May I ask if your dear mother suffers from any other condition like mode swings or depression? I’ve said this many times on here that it’s so important to know and understand the reason behind this. Trying to treat the symptom without knowing or understand the cause is not always successful.

With your mother having spent time in ICU and A&E, her GP should have been brought up to speed with her treatment. I hate to say this, but it has been my experience with some GP’s that they don’t always read every email or message they get. Sometimes when you book an appointment to see a GP, he or she will most likely read up about what’s been going on about 5-minutes before you walk through that door. Your mother definitely needs to have her ascites seen to. If this isn’t drained it can damage her brain, or cause her breathing to fail and even put pressure on her heart. I have included a short video on my website about this condition which may be of use to you. (It’s best viewed in full screen mode): taep.eu/jobs-a.htm

I know you’ve got so much on your plate, but please try and make an appointment to go and see her GP. If you both happen to share the same Doctor, then this would be even better.

I’m glad so many others have reached out to you. See… I told you weren’t alone.

Take care

Richardxx

[BSA-3 in reply to Hidden]

Spot on, Richard, as usual. Heart breaking.

[Hidden]

Oh how I feel for you. My husband died of alcoholic liver disease in ICU 8 years ago leaving me to bring up our 11 and 17 year old children so I know how tough it all is for you. Unfortunately while she's in denial and hiding her addiction from her GP it's incredibly difficult to help her and make her help herself.

Could you see her GP on her behalf and explain the whole situation to them? That's what I did with my husband initially. I then made an appointment and told him it was to help him with his depression (in your Mum's case bereavement too ) and after a few days in hospital detoxing him they set up a 1 to 1 councellor at home for him. He was dry for 3 months but it was too late for him. But if you can do this or something similar it may just save your Mum. Sometimes you have to be as devious as they are.

What about distracting her from her constant thoughts about drinking? You say you have a child with disabilities could you ask her to come and help as you are struggling a bit, go for walks ...the weathers improving get some fresh air and chat make her feel needed and important in your life. I know .... probably easier said than done and maybe you've already tried this. But I do wish you all the best and do keep us posted.

[vickyvickykk]

Thank you for sharing. Addiction is a terrible thing, it owns the person. My parents were addicts, both cigarettes and alcohol. My mom died of lung cancer. My dad stopped smoking but still drinks like a fish. He lies about what the doctor says, like my mom lied. My heart is breaking for you. Keep in mind that your moms' addiction is the enemy, not her. Keep on talking, it helps with the hopelessness, resentment, frustration and anger. I have 2 wonderful siblings, we have decided to rather just love my father, and support him, we have tried everything under the sun to help, this battle is not ours. Some great advice on this forum. Look after yourself.

[wrightr444 in reply to vickyvickykk]

Thanks so much vicky i intend to just be there and support her as much as i can. Its nice to know im not alone x

[Barnetaccounts]

Hi, Thanks for sharing what is by any account a horrific story. The unfortunate reality is that until the addicted person truly wants to stop, they are unlikely to take any positive action. The reaction of your siblings is also understandable, as confrontation with an unwilling participant can leave you with a complete feeling of uselessness. The most important person in this situation is you and your family. The help of Al-Anon in this respect could be a massive help for you. These groups are people whose lives are affected by other people’s drinking and you are likely to meet somebody who has had or is going through something very similar to you. I am in AA and have remained clean and sober for over 15 years, this was only possible because I WANTED to change my life. If I was not willing to change nothing would have made me stop. The desire to stop hurting my wife and kids, my parents and siblings was greater than my desire to continue down a long and well trodden path. It then took awhile for me to realise that a life without alcohol was something to be enjoyed not endured and it remains the very best decision I have ever made in my entire life. You must now start looking after yourself and your family, and you need to know that this is something you do not have to do alone. There are other organisations out there but I only know of one which has worked for me. I wish you the very, very best and please do not try to deal with this on your own. We are here.

Ray

[Hidden]

Hi

I agree with what everyone had said. You are remarkable person to cope with all this. Have you thought about counselling for yourself? I'm having it due to depression and it had really helped. Please take care. We are all here for you. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx