So I'm struggling with depression again. It seems to happen often on Friday nights when I'm alone. I am married but not happily, I'd like to split but he won't go and I just know how complicated the fight would get. I know he'd stalk me and we'd spend a fortune on lawyers cause he'd fight everything. And I'm the one that would lose because in the one that makes the money.
I have no friends, I really don't. I did at one time but they're all gone for a variety of reasons. It makes me depressed and lonely. I have suicidal thoughts all the time but I don't want to die. But then I feel the little dull pain near my liver and I think I am going to die and nobody will even miss me. Nobody really cared much when I was diagnosed with fibrosis.
I look better than I have in the past few years. Between the Metformin and the healthy diet I've lost 33lbs. I feel better too, not exhausted and sweaty like I was. And I can find clothes that fit becuase my stomach isn't distended. But I feel that little pain and I know I'm still sick.
I really have no one to talk to. If I did I wouldn't be on a website in a foreign country (I live in the USA) telling my innermost feelings to people I don't know.
I really just don't know what to do.
Written by
Lara86
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Congrats on the weight loss. The good news is that fibrosis is reverseable. There are lots of really nice and friendly people on here who understand what you are going through. We are a global community here. I’m in Australia. I have two real friends, one lives in Berlin and the other in Brisbane. I live in Cairns so we are not nearby. I spend every night alone. It’s a great community on here. Feel free to chat anytime. You are not alone.
Cheers,
Brett
Hi Lara. That's so sad to read. I think you need a hobby, something that would get you out for a couple of hours on those Friday nights. Can you exercise at all ? Walking is a great way to blow away the cobwebs or maybe join a gym and have a programme made up to suit your ability, condition and health? Exercise releases endorphins in your body to give you great feeling of well being and helps with curing depression. Well done on the weight loss. Work on concentrating on what's good in your life rather than what gets you down and what gets you down, get rid of. Bring something positive into your life. See if there are some evening classes in your area which may be of interest to you? It may feel a bit daunting going by yourself for the 1st time but i bet there will be others there in a similar situation to yourself. Good luck Lara, everyone deserves at least a little happiness in their lives and life is what you make it.
Maybe a bit of councelling would help with your depression too.
Unfortunately there's very few evening classes or hobby groups in my area. Everything is either in the morning when I work, geared toward retirees or in the evening for children. I've looked.
I've looked into counseling as well but it's a small town and the counselors I've seen listed have children that know my daughter or work with my coworkers and clients. I do social work for the state. If I call a hotline it gets directed to one of my supervisors.
Lara, I really hope you will find your way out of this dark place. I believe you have a daughter? How old is she? Surely she is worth fighting for. I am also in a strange and unhappy marriage but I have 2 boys and THEY are the ones who made me survive. I do so much with them ,we are so close.over the last 10 years they have been that little light inside my tunnel who guided me out. It was long and hard. Break up of my trust in my husband, Depression,then cancer, then liver transplant and not yet out the wood. But I look at my boys.one is 24 and leave only 20mn away and visit almost every day, the other one is 17 and getting his indépendance. I am so proud on how well they survived all the pain and hurt and turn out happy, funny,loving and considerate young men. We have each other , and for that I thank god every day and will not let any negativity spoiling my life. It is far to precious and short. Come on Lara, fight fight , for you and most of all for your daughter.
I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in such difficult circumstances. It is very important that your own health care provider (equivalent of our GP's) is aware of your feelings, particularly your depression. Have a look at this website:
Thank you everyone. It's helpful to hear words of encouragement. I've been having a really hard time at home and at work and feeling overwhelmed. I've been at my job 14 years and just applied for another job today. I wish I could take the other job but I have too much to lose in my current one. I'm trapped in my job and my marriage. I dread each day at work and evening at home.
I'm not feeling like being dead at the moment even though I feel really shitty. I just feel sick over my situation. I really can't deal with people and confrontation. My stomach is in knots and it can't be good for my liver. Idk.
Hi Lara. Just wanted to say you are not alone and there’s always someone to talk to on here. Like lots of people on here I’ve been in a very dark place and come through the other side. A couple of years ago I had some really bad things happen and found out about having cirrhosis so was in a bad place. Do you drive? I really do think recommend counselling. It really helped me. Maybe you could ask about having it in another town where everyone does not know everyone’s business. Something I still do now is to write a list of everything positive that’s happening in my life. To start with it feels difficult but it becomes easier. You have a daughter you love so maybe can be your starting point. As the positive list grows it helps me focus on the good things in life. It’s also important to then write down the negative things in life because sometimes you may get thoughts on what you can change for the better. Also accepting what you can’t change is a big step towards feeling happier. This works for me, but I do realise everyone is different but we do all eventually find our own way. Wishing you the best of luck and thinking of you x
That is what I do most of the time. I don't actually write lists but I try to think about other parts of the world where people have nothing and even here in the USA. My clients are often sick or very low income. Most of the time it works but sometimes I just can't help feeling sorry for myself.
I need to work for at least 6 more years. I'm not sick enough to get a disability pension. But I wonder what my health will be like then. Do I have a chance to live to old age? Even with lifestyle changes? Before my diagnosis, when I was struggling to lose weight, I did everything I knew how. I just kept gaining and my symptoms were increasing. My primary care doctor said I was perfectly healthy. Until I started Metformin I kept getting sicker. So my liver is effected by my blood sugar, or vice versa. A healthy diet wasn't enough, I needed meds. What if something's still progressing, and eventually the meds don't work. It's my body, my metabolism effecting me.
Most of the time I can accept that I'm essentially on my own. But sometimes it just gets to me and I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to connect with people.
Do you what. I think what your feeling is perfectly natural and sometimes we just need to be kind to ourselves and let these feelings happen. I had my liver transplants back in 1995 and on the waiting list for another. My daughter turned 20 the other day and I spoiled her because I am so scared that I won’t see her turn 21. Now most days of the year I can deal with things using the methods I mentioned before and that’s when my fighting spirit which we need to survive shows. Occasionally I think I’m only human, how much can I take. I hope your ok and find your way through. Take care xx
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