Feeling sorry for myself...

[BumbleCat]

I know this is how it is and it's normal to feel like this but I'm having more and more days feeling sorry for myself. I really resent having my liver problems and feel like I don't deserve them. I've never done anything to abuse my body and it makes me so angry that I have this. I've got Budd Chiari and now I have HCC. I feel like my former self is just shot to pieces. I question why me? I can't socialise how I want to, I can't rat what I want, I don't have enough energy to exercise and when I do I end up paying a price for it physically. I am sick of taking my medication, sick of having my diagnoses hanging over my head. It's all impacting on me socially, with my personal relationships and how I feel about myself. I just don't feel like I can cope with all this anymore. I feel defeated.

[pushthrough]

Oh Bumblecat! I’m so sorry you are going through this despite being good to your body. I don’t think I have the words to comfort you but know you are loved by everyone here!

[BumbleCat in reply to pushthrough]

Thank you so much xx

[WayCas]

Hi BumbleCat,

So sorry to hear you are experiencing many of the symptoms of liver disease and cancer. As my doctor told me, these are the consequences of the disease but you have to give it every effort and keep moving forward. As an almost 6 year survivor of HCC with an initial terminal diagnosis, I have experienced all the feelings and emotions you so accurately discribed. I too never smoke, drank or lived a bad lifesyle, but had cirrhosis with HCC. You are right you experience so many emotions. Tne gambit of emotions is intense. Anger, denial, why me, anxiety and hopefully moving toward acceptance. However, this is a vicious circle that can repeat itself. Just want to have as many good days as possible.

May I tell you a few things I have learned. First is understanding. I had to understand the liver controls over 100 harmones and enzymes in the body. Most people don't know this. It is not like other cancers. Even other cancer patients can not understand liver cancer and disease. I had to be aware I had something different. I had to understand the consequences of the disease. This included fatique, weakeness, change of diet, lack of physical and social interation. My weight loss and physical changes affected my entire person. I had to make sure all the people around me understood my disease was different. As, I did. I was not seeking a pity party only wanted understanding. My caregivers suffered care giver fatique. I had to accept that. But, by setting the boundaries I needed to be in a comfortable zone, it has helped me.

The "Why Me?" is always the biggest question. But, in life we have very few actual choices. Other people suffer more, are born in very bad circumstances and have difficult hardships we can't imagine. I had to turn my "Why Me?" to "Why Me That I had so much." So much before the illness and even now. Don't get me wrong, I still have anger and lots of it. Especially, when I see people who abuse their bodies or don't work hard for opportunities. But, I know I have a deeper understanding of life than they do. One suggestions I have is find a hobby you did not do before, that doesn't take energy and you have no expectations of yourself. For me, it was learn the guitar. It is peaceful, soothing and I don't expect anything. And, really I am not very good. But, it makes me feel good.

I have to make the best of the relationships I have and make peace with them. Scan Anxiety, taking the meds, getting naps and eating healthy food are all part of the new me. I hope my essay has helped in some way.

Blessings and Peace to you,

Wayne

[BumbleCat in reply to WayCas]

Honestly, I can't thank you enough for writing this. Thank you so much xx

[oap74 in reply to WayCas]

bang on the money except it and just get on with life .enjoy the day

[Hexamon in reply to WayCas]

This really is a superb reply and very well put. Best of luck to you both.

[Jkdaisy03 in reply to WayCas]

Your essay was perfect. Thank you for lifting me up

[Shep666]

Hi

I have no personal experience of your own liver problems so I wouldn't presume to try and tell you how to feel other than

You may feel defeated but you are not defeated.

Stay tough mentally and baby steps each day 👍😀

[Louby-]

I had talking therapy & highly recommend it.My therapist told me on 3rd visit

I am not depressed or anxious

What I have is health anxiety!

Completely correct.

I have accepted all my health issues

Still fret over liver, next stage for me is cirrhosis. Had blood test recently

waiting for telephone appointment.

I am vegetarian & my recent diagnosis is Diabetic. I find this diet helps enormously & healthy & low fat. With only natural sugars. Beware fresh fruits as some are high with natural sugars. The darker the fruits & vegetables the better. I was surprised to find brocoli bad as high iron. My rule is a little if what you fancy is ok just in moderation

My liver consultant on last face to face appointment in December is at a loss what is causing all my problems & asked if I would go on a trial. Of course I will to help others.

I now think diabetes is cause of liver problems. Going round & round in circles. I am my own advocate for my health as I know what my body likes & dislikes more than any Doctor.

Research lots on the NHS website only. I have also had to accept that I have to take toxic medications as much as I dislike them, they do save my precious life. I cannot afford to go to a natural health Doctor & only take vitamin D Omega 3 fish oils & occasionally magnesium for excruciating cramps.

I am registered disabled & do not use that as a excuse, it just spurs me on to walk daily & eat healthier all the time.

Acceptance is important as if your doing all you can you are doing your best a positive attitude is also important, yes I do have a crumple button, everybody does even those that do not have health issues

I have just turned 69 & for once in my life I am putting myself 1st. Everybody needs to do this, others come closely 2nd.

Enjoy life to the full

Yesterday is history

The future is a mystery

Concentrate on one day at a time

Sending hugs 🫂

[Readlots]

Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. We all go through stages like this. I had a sob yesterday because I was feeling sorry for myself and I only have mild fibrosis. Today is a better day though. One day at a time. I find having a list of nice things to do helps, especially creative things, or just people to phone. Big hug from me x

[Alibaba80]

I feel exactly the same. I am completely debilitated physically I can't do anything or go anywhere and can barely eat.I have never known a more cruel illness than liver disease and I have also had bowel cancer.

The liver disease is another level.

The impact on my mental health is indescribable and I am a shadow of the person that I used to be.

I do not recognise myself at all anymore.

[NorthLad]

Hi, Bumble Cat, I can completely understand how you feel about things even though to be brutally honest I did abuse my liver. But like you I felt sorry for myself and certainly on some days I didn’t want to speak to anyone, even my Mum who I speak to every day. If I’m honest I still get days like that now. They’re hard to explain as they can come at anytime and for no reason. The way I try to combat them is by doing a lot of “Self Talking” as a therapist once put it to me. It really helps me and particularly if I get myself out for a wander. I focus on the positives and the good things that have happened to me recently and what things I have coming up whatever they may be. At one time just going to Aldi was a boost .. I also have to look at the progress I’ve made from where I was and a smile comes across my face and the world around me seems a much better place. I think a massive positive for you is that you have reached out on this forum to ask for help and guidance rather than bottle it up. People understand what you’re going through, I’m not saying others don’t, but talking to those who are living the experience is a really good thing because they know 100 percent how you feel. Try and stay positive and always remember that there are people who understand you and will help you. I’ve benefited from that hugely from with the British Liver Trust community but also outside of that talking with like minded people. You’ve got this!💙

[Hexamon]

Not read all of the replies to this but I feel mostly the same. I have, although it's not definitively confirmed yet, NAFLD. In the last 10 years I've been diagnosed with high blood pressure, Type 2, acid reflux and I take 5 tablets a day + Ozempic. I'm overweight but my diet is fine, I exercise as much as I can and sometimes I feel exactly the same way. Maybe less so on reasons or lifestyle but I don't think those warrant where I am now.

So I sympathise and I guess the only thing I can say is you're not alone. I think I've come to terms with whatever might happen, particularly with the cirrhosis, and that helps. I don't want to die and will do everything I can to avoid it (!) but it helps to realise that there are things that you can't control. Yor body is incredibly complex and doesn't always work properly.

Hope you're felling better soon.

[Sallyderek]

There’s no room for self pity as it’s all consuming. You just have to adjust your social life to suit your ailments and enjoy the life you have as you can’t change it

It is unfair and it is awful but try to live the things you can x