Hi all! Just joined & was looking for some support & advice as I feel extremely alone with this. I am a 35 year old Mother of 1. I have been drinking heavily for about 12 years. It started in a bad relationship I was in for 6 & a half years. I drank secretly in this relationship every Fri, Sat & Sun night a full bottle of wine & my partner or anyone would have no knowledge of this. This progressed to 5 nights a week sometimes. I have continued this habit up until now. When that relationship ended I kept doing this in the next relationship I was in & I am with my current partner for the last 4 years & are married since last Sept. He was the only one who suspected I was doing it & then found stashed bottles & confronted me. He thinks I've stopped but I still do it every Sat & Sun night drinking up to a half bottle of vodka each time. It's what I look forward to all week - during the weekdays can be fine I might do it occasionally. It just makes me happy. I think I started because I felt nervous nervous all those years ago with my ex partner when we were first seeing each other & it loosened me up & I felt more confident & as time went on he became more & more difficult as a boyfriend he was psychologically abusive & the drinking kinda was the happy relationship I was in. I love my husband so much & out 2 & half year old. On the surface I seem very well together. I am a professional dancer I train in the gym religiously so I am very fit quite independent & helpful & people say I'm very nice. I carry this deep secret which consumes me with guilt but I need it to look forward to the ritual of the drinking & the calming effect as I am a worrier by nature. 2 years ago I noticed a sensation in my upper right abdomen which got a little worse as time went on. It was just there niggling but didn't cause pain as such or stop me doing anything I'm quite active. As time went on it got worse would start mild at the start of the day & more intense as the day went on. When I exercised I couldn't feel it but would any other time. I told the doctor but said nothing about my drinking due to shame & total embarrassment & an endoscopy & everything looked normal. I continued to drink & have the discomfort the past 2 years which now the pain is more. It goes up the right side of my throat & into my arms sometimes. It can feel slightly different each day more in the abdomen one day more in the throat another it kinda travels around a bit. I drank last night & the right rib feels slightly bruised to the touch. I don't know if I have damaged my liver. Nothing came up 2 years ago but maybe it would now. My plan is to go to a new doc & try my best to admit my drinking but I'm so ashamed I'm afraid I won't let it out & just describe the pain. The thought of saying it out load is terrifying. My hope is to cut it down to one night a week & then part of me is saying I need to quit cold turkey. I don't crave alcohol it's the feeling it gives me & the my weekend ritual. Did anyone get this pain up right side of the throat sometimes in side of neck & arm. I haven't seen it online. I know I need to sort this & get checked & push for tests for peace of mind also as I am constantly worried. I want to drink tonight to just feel good & face it tomorrow. Thank you for reading I'm hoping some replies will give me strength as this is my secret my dark secret I've been carrying for so long & my son & husband deserved better than this.